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Haunted Halo??

September 15, 2009

I don’t remember what famous person said this, but someone said there is no remedy for love but to love more. Does your heart truly have the capacity to love again once it’s been shattered into a million little pieces? Even though over time wounds begin to heal and you slowly start putting the pieces of your heart back together – how do you know it’s okay to love again, to feel? How do you know it’s ready? How do you get rid of the ghosts that seem to haunt your heart?

“Remember those walls I built, well baby they’re coming down..
And they didn’t put a fight, they didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now”  (Beyonce: Halo)

How can one person have such an effect on you – without even hearing their voice or seeing their face. It’s like Mr.Sandman. He slips into your dreams at night – at the time your are the most defenseless. At a time he knows you can’t fight him off. At a time when you can’t run and hide your heart.

Do you believe in fantasies? Is it stupid to believe in them? Is it careless to think I want to put my heart back out there again, as haunted as it may be…. back out on the chopping block? Does it even have to be that way? Is it possible for the ghosts to go away and trust that your heart can feel again? And why does this sandman slip in and out of my thoughts when I least expect it?

No one has been able to penetrate this shield I have put up around my heart. Maybe that’s what’s so intriguing to me – I’m fascinated over what entity has the magic to make my guard disappear. To make my heart not scared to take a chance again. I’m captivated by the sandman that for one moment can put my ghosts to rest.

Once I let these floodgates open, it was smothering the effect that took place. Relationships I thought were lost forever began to heal, memories that had burned for so long were extinguished with the words “I’m sorry…..”.

Somewhere in the space between “no” and “yes” is this sea of mystery and intrigue that Mr.Sandman keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into. If dreams really are the insight into your soul, then what is it that Mr.Sandman is trying to tell me? So… I guess the real question is how do I play this chess game? Do I take that chance and move my knight into place, or do I wait for Mr.Sandman to finally show his face? There’s a part of me that wants to reach out and grab his hand, but then I wake up…. Could it be that Mr.Sandman is my angel, or will I forever have a haunted halo?????

I want my heart to be free, I don’t want it haunted anymore…..

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Meet Me in the Stairwell

September 11, 2009

The words below were copied from an email that has circulated the internet surrounding the anniversary of 9/11. To all of the men and women who lost their lives that day, you will never be forgotten in the hearts of every American. To all of the men and women who have lost their lives since then fighting this war and the ones that are risking their lives everyday for us, you are heros beyond what words can describe. You have a strength, resolve and courage that I can only hope to muster up in my life. And I hope you know, I thank God for each and everyone of you for the incredible sacrifices you have made and are making for my freedom. That will also never be forgotten. Even if you’ve read the email, watch the you-tube video at the end. It’s beautiful. God Bless America!

‘MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL’

You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say ‘Good-Bye.’ I
held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the
peace to say, ‘Honey, I am not going to make it, but it
is OK..I am ready to go.’

I was with his wife when he called as she fed
breakfast to their children. I held her up as she
tried to understand his words and as she realized
he wasn’t coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help. ‘I have been
knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!’ I said.
‘Of course I will show you the way home – only
believe in Me now.’

I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name – though not all know Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn’t hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; ‘Come to Me… this way… take
my hand.’ Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You
may not know why, but I do.. However, if you were
there in that explosive moment in time, would you have
reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
for you . But someday your journey will end. And I
will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
‘ready to go.’

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gzg1qL6b4uk

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Operation: Blow Up Heart!!

September 8, 2009

Everyone has a little bit of a rebel in them, right? Everyone likes to push the limits every now and then to see how far they can go or how much they can get away with. I think that over the last couple of weeks I was on a mission – I called it Operation Blow Up My Heart. Now don’t take this the wrong way, this was by no means some type of suicide mission. This was me just trying to see how far I could push things.

My life is operated around all of these rules and restrictions I have to abide by. I can’t just eat whatever I want. Not because I’m worried about gaining weight, I’m worried about the impact on my heart. My freestyle life as I knew changed when I was 20 and diagnosed with MS. Over the years, I figured out my boundaries and how close I could get to those electric fences before I got shocked. And for the most part, I could operate as freely as I wanted to….. Then last December my freestyle life as I knew came to a complete halt. At the beginning it was simply trying to adjust to every punch and stone being thrown at me. Then it was following those rules, regulations, restrictions as closely disciplined as if I were in the military. I changed my strategy to being a little more lenient, so I could have a “little fun” and tested the waters that way. Throughout all of this, we saw my heart improve, get worse, get a little better, take a serious dive south, then start to jump back up. I tried things my doctor’s way, and they didn’t exactly work. I tried things my way, and they didn’t exactly work. I needed to find a new ground. I needed to shake things up a little bit!! I needed to find a little spice!!

You know those commercials where someone is trying to make a decision and you have the angel on one shoulder telling you to be good and the devil on the other shoulder telling you to be bad. Well, I put that bandana around my head, ripped holes in my jeans, hopped on a Harley and decide to defy everything!! (Okay, not really, I’m actually scared of motorcycles…. but you get the point). I decided to be a rebel. To just do, eat, drink, act however I wanted to; despite what my doctors orders were. I wanted to see just how far I could push this heart. I wanted to see what my limits were. I was TIRED of being scared of everything that “could” go wrong….. I wanted to see if we could blow up my heart!

I’m sure if my doctor is reading this then he’ll have a heart attack himself. I’m a firm believer that you have to take responsibility for your actions. I’m an adult, I knew what I was doing and trust me, I paid for my rebellious stage! I was pretty much bedridden, not able to breathe or move for about three days.

But my mission was successful. If you don’t make mistakes, you’ll never learn. And if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’ll never grow in this life. I write this particular blog not to scare people. But so that you understand I am human too. I get angry. I get scared. I want to push the limits and see what I can and can’t get away with. That no matter if it’s MS or Heart Failure, you don’t wake up everyday as a fighter and that health advocate that does the right thing. Its a conscious choice I have to make, everyday. And somedays, I chose to be a rebel.

So….. why do I feel my mission was successful? Well, I have a new found desire to be that health advocate for myself. It’s like the person who diets all the time and just wants to eat a piece of chocolate cake every now and then. I know more of what my limits and boundaries are, not that I need or should push myself there all the time. But it helped take away some of my fear of “what could happen if….”. (I still have this with many aspects of my heart, but we were able to knock a few off the list). And lastly, as long as there is ORANGE blood running through these veins, there isn’t anything that will kill this heart!!!

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All We Need is Just a Little Patience

September 1, 2009

I’ve said over and over on this blog that patience is a virtue I just wasn’t born with. But when I look back over this last year and chapter of my life, I feel this is also one of the biggest lessons I have been taught…. have tried to learn…. have seen that I need more than anything. Am still working on…..

But today, we have no patience, we just need to vent!

Said, woman, take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience(Guns’N’Roses: Patience)

I have tried to patiently wait for my heart to heal itself medically. I get that my heart didn’t fail overnight and it won’t get better overnight. Maybe my patience is running thin on the small improvements, I need to see something bigger. And now I am supposed to be patient while we figure out if some suit did put a price tag on my heart? How do I have patience for that, why should I have patience for that? Maybe I’m tired of having patience with this. If you screwed up my heart, you don’t deserve my patience. And now you want to throw in my face that “It was just understood that heart failure was a serious possibility by taking this drug”, so this is actually my fault? You are one insane lady if you think I will have any patience for that load of bullshit!

I have patiently waited for the time to come when I can get back into my dance class. I don’t know how much more patience I can have with this one, I need to dance like I need to breathe. I have accepted that there are certain activities I will never be able to do again, or even try for the first time. But I can’t sit here and patiently wait as the last bit of happiness in my life gets stripped away….. Maybe I’m just tired of having patience with this.

For 12 years I have patiently waited for a cure for MS. For the longest time I was told there would be a cure by the time I was 30. Just turned the dial to 32 this year, and nothing. We have stronger medicines, but nothing that can just wipe this out for me. Nothing that can take away my worry of waking up tomorrow and not being able to walk.  Nothing that can wipe away the seizures. Nothing that can give me the peace of mind that one day I won’t need someone to take care of me. And there is amazing research out there – medicines and procedures that could get us a lot closer to where we need to be. But there is too much political bullshit holding this progress back. And I have patiently waited 12 years. I get there are people who have lived with this disease for 25 years. But at the current moment, I am walking like a drunk person thanks to MS, hooked up to an IV that is supposed to make me better and dealing with the realization that this may be my life, alone. And I guess my patience has just run out here too.

I waited patiently for my broken heart to mend itself with time. And just when you think it’s all over, everything is in the past you get a rude little email to remind you of just how bad it hurt. I patiently went thru all the grieving stages, and I’m done with it. I guess my patience has just run out here. I’ve been waiting patiently for the time to come that I was ready to venture back out into the dating world. Only it seems everytime I dip my toe in that pool, I get burned.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world….” (Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars)

I’ve waited patiently for someone to chase cars with me…. Maybe my patience is wasted in this arena. Maybe I had that one shot at love with someone who could look into my heart and see me, see past the MS and see me, see past the heart failure and see me, see past the sickness and see me – someone to just forget the world with me. Maybe I’m stupid for patiently waiting that someone could come around again. Because right now, I honestly don’t think he is.

“Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
‘Cause the lights are shining bright

I been walkin’ the streets at night
Just tryin’ to get it right
hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like
Being stuck in the crowd
And the street don’t change
But baby the name
I ain’t got time for the game”(GNR: Patience)

I have patiently waited to see some vision, some sign of what direction I am supposed to go in this life. I have a road tattooed on my back (mixed in with a bigger tattoo) that is symbolic of this journey I have yet to travel in this life. Maybe my patience has run out on trying to figure this out. Why can’t a big piece of the sky just fall and hit me in the head with the road map for my life?

I know at the end of the day I need to just trust God and be patient in Him. But today has just been one of those days that I needed to vent, and my patience has run out…..

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Need to Breathe…

August 22, 2009

I always thought it was just the name to a really cool band my nephew introduced me to. But lately it feels like the overriding theme of my life. I just need to breathe. I need a chance to catch my breath.

“Let the drumbeats wash you over
Let the songs come and take you under
Push the life that brought you here away from you tonight
There’s a place where the pain can’t touch ya
And there’s a fire where the heat won’t burn ya
It’s in the sound of your voice tonight singing in one song ” (The Heat: needtobreathe)

I need for the sodium to let up so the fluid will stay out of my chest – I need to breathe.
I need the medical bills to stop coming everytime I open my mailbox so I’m not gasping at how I’m going to pay for these – I need to breathe.
I need my insurance to just please give me a f*%&ing break so the meds I HAVE to HAVE are not another stupid mortgage payment every month, I need these meds to breathe.
I need for my heart to understand this train that has railroaded it emotionally so it doesn’t keep making me lose my breath – I need to breathe.

“This time is just a season,
You deserve much more.
Lift up your head,
Look out the window,
Cause it’s almost over now,
Take back the time that your fear has stolen.
Cause it’s almost over now.”(Over Now:needtobreathe)

I need the weight of the world taken off my shoulders so maybe I can get some rest – I need to breathe.
I want to find that place that love never dies, because it does take my breath away – I need to breathe.
I need for the tears to stop flowing, it makes my nose get all stopped up – and I need to breathe.
I need for my heart to stop aching over something that is obviously never going to change and let it go – I need to breathe.

“Love is just like a war we can’t win
We can give, we can give, we can give
When we stand in the face of the world falling down
In your hands you hold the pen
What’s your answer for the end
When there’s nothing that we can’t afford to sacrifice
There’s no way they can put out your fire
There’s no way they can put out my fire
Oh, Oh, I’ve got nothing left
Nothing left to lose” (Nothing Left to Loose: needtobreathe)

Cause we are alive
We are strong
We can’t watch it go for nothing
Watch until it’s gone
And we are down
But we can choose
We’ve got nothing else to live for
Nothing left to lose

Can God give me the direction of where I am supposed to go??? Because this uncertainty gives me great pains in my chest – and I need to breathe.

“Because I’m down
Down on my knees
Waiting on something beautiful……”  (Something Beautiful:needtobreathe)

I need a couple of days of vacation from reality where I can feel normal and not worry about the repercussions on my heart and my legs. I just need to breathe.
I need to let the top down speeding down the interstate like Thelma & Louise – because I need to breathe.
I need to know how to let go of the recent issues/struggles that are paralyzing me – since I’m not allowed to jump out of a plane again, and I have to let go….I need to breathe.
I need the assurance that my life up to this point hasn’t been one big failure. Because it kinda feels that way right now – and I need to breathe.

“I can’t help but fear I’ve done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, will it make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along”  (Seond Chances: need to breathe)

Maybe I need to learn how to ask for help, because I’m worn out… and I need to breathe.
I need someone to stand beside me no matter what when I fall. Because sometimes when it gets hard to breathe, it gets harder and harder to pick myself up off the ground.
I need to find the fighting spirit inside of me again, because I’m tired of being the warrior – and I need to breathe.

I need to dance… like I need to breathe.

“Somewhere between the end, And the point where we begin
There’s a fire burning brightly, That’s found it’s way to dim
When the feeling’s gone
Shine on, shine on
And on to something new, It’s long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on, shine on
And let the others see, You’ve got your victory
Will you remember me, I was with you in the valley
And up upon that hill, So take just one more step infromt of you
For I am with you still, And you’re not alone
Shine on, shine on
and on to something new, It’s long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on, shine on
And let the others see, You’ve got your victory
Will you remember me
Can you see my hands are open, I am waiting just ahead
And you think you need it all now, But you needed me instead
Shine on, shine on
Shine, oh shine on
Won’t you, won’t you shine
Shine on, shine on
Somewhere between the end
And the point where we began…”(Shine On: needtobreathe)

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Great Expectations

August 13, 2009

One of my all time favorite books in life is Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I first read the book when I was in high school, and guess I connected on so many levels with the story. Its a love story that fights so hard to only realize in the end that their love should be together.

Finn – ” What is it like to go thru life not feeling anything?”
Estella – “We are who we are.”

Everytime he looks at her, his heart breaks all over again. Yet he still has that expectation that the next time she will stay, she will return his love. As hard as he tries to forget her, she forges her foothold stronger on his heart. And everytime she leaves, he never knows when or if he will ever see her again; only that he can’t stop loving her. The crazy part is that while she toys with him, drives him mad, she loves him just as much.

Finn – “Anything that might be special in me is you.”

How powerful is that, how heart wrenching is that. You love someone so intensely they become a part of your soul. And he was even warned from the beginning that she would only break his heart.

Finn – “Lay your hand on my chest. Do you know what this is? It’s my heart, broken.”

No matter how hard they try to deny their feelings, and as much as the world keeps them apart, they were always meant to be together.
Maybe I’m just a sucker for a good love story…..
Maybe I feel like this story keeps playing out in my life in one fashion or another….
Maybe I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Finn, getting my heart broken and still loving him regardless….
Or maybe it’s because I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Estella, being the heartbreaker….

Or maybe it’s just the fact that in the end, I have the great expectation that my love story will have a happy ending too….

This story always reminds me of my favorite E.E. Cummings poem:
“92”
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear,  and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                                 i fear
no  fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beatuiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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Liquid Confidence

August 11, 2009

We’ve all had it, we’ve all done it at one point or another in our lives – had that extra drink that gave you the courage to say things you wouldn’t have otherwise, or approach that one hottie at the bar to ask for their number. And how many stories have you heard of someone having a little too much to drink and doing the ever reliable “drunk dial” or “drunk text”? Why is it that sometimes we need that liquid boost to say things that should be so easy? Does the liquid confidence actually help you see things more clearly, or completely cloud your judgement? And why is that the Jack can’t filter what he should and shouldn’t give you the confidence for?

Last night I was reminded of so many things…. some of them thanks to my good ole trusty friend Mr. Jack Daniels!!

Letting go of your dreams is like a child letting go of a balloon. Taking a trip down memory lane was eye opening for me. Sort of helped me put somethings in perspective, of some dreams to hold onto with all my might and some dreams I just need to let go and float away off in the air, like that balloon. Some feelings I still haven’t found the courage to face, and others I maybe had a little too much courage to face! And some that just shouldn’t have been faced period. Ha, thanks Jack!!

Jack and I have been thru a lot over the last year. He’s been there thru a lot of hard times, and some good times too. There were some deep, hidden issues he helped bring to the forefront for me – whether I am ready to face them or not, and whether I like the answers or not. And some restless demons I wished he hadn’t stirred up.

I will say that me and Jack are re-negotiating this relationship we have. He needs to better understand what to give me the liquid confidence to face, and what things are better off floating away, like that balloon! Oh, and the headaches the next day really aren’t necessary!!

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All Fired Up

August 9, 2009

So… I have to say it took a couple of days to cool off from this to be able to write without every other word being a curse word. I was told the statement, “MS sounds an awful lot like BS!!!”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS???? Could you honestly be any more insulting to me?

Living with my eyes closed, goin day to day
I never knew the difference, I never cared either way
(Pat Benetar, All Fired Up)

Before being diagnosed with MS, I did take so much for granted. Everyday luxeries that can be such a challenge for me now. MS changed my life forever on how I view the world, the luxeries I thank God I can do when I can do them!

So, everytime I lost my ability to walk and needed the assistance of my cane or walker – that’s BS?
Everytime I have a seizure that makes me flop like a fish out of water – that’s BS?
Everytime I lose feeling in my hands and my arms and I can’t feed myself – that’s BS?
Needing hand controls in my car because from day to day we never knew if I would be able to walk – that’s BS?
Having my doctor sit on my hospital bed and tell me he didn’t know if I would ever walk again – that’s BS?
Three years of chemotherapy that has now put my heart into failure – that’s BS?

Ain’t nobody livin, in a perfect world
Everybody’s out there, cryin to be heard
Now I got a new fire, burnin’ in my eyes
Lightin up the darkness, movin like a meterorite

I’ll tell you what is BS – your medical opinion on this matter. And if you think this is the last you will hear of this, you have another thing coming. I am all fired up over this! You can call me BS all you want to, but back off of the other 400,000 people diagnosed in the US with MS.

That’s right, did you know that approximately 400,000 Americans have MS? Every week about 200 people are diagnosed and worldwide MS affects about 2.5 million people. So all of this is BS??? There are 4 types of MS. Before disease-modifying drugs became available, 50% of people with relapsing-remitting MS (which is what I have) developed secondary-progressive MS within 10 years. So, scientist came up with BS meds to stop the progression of a BS disease, is that what you’re still telling me???

The MS Society was founded in 1946. Across the country there are over 460,000 volunteers. So all of these people are volunteering for a disease that is just BS, they’re just wasting their time??? In 2007, the Society’s total revenue was $241 million. Are you calling that kind of money BS? There were over 100,000 cyclist that rode in over 100 MS Bike Tour rides across the country. And I was one of those cyclists – so all of this is BS????

All Fired Up
Now I believe there comes a time
All Fired Up
When everything just falls in line
All Fired Up
We live and learn from our mistakes
All Fired Up
The deepest cuts are healed by faith

I hope you learn from the mistake of calling this disease BS. It is anything but. It is a serious, debilitating disease that you wouldn’t begin to know how to handle. And as much as this disease may cripple me, it’s not near as crippling as your ignorance is to you. Keep that in mind next time you want to try and pick on me or one of my kind. And let this be fair warning, you make a comment like that again, you will be checked – fast. Because you’ve got me all fired up, and I’m not backing down!

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It’s The Heart That Matters Most

August 6, 2009

I guess you can say I am about to get on my soapbox about taking care of your heart. It’s especially important since this morning I sat at the hospital gasping for air. It was yet another reminder of how vitally important your heart is, and how crucial it is to take care of it. But you want to know the ironic thing, it wasn’t my heart’s function that I was worried about the most. As I struggled to breathe I was most worried about those close to me that I so dearly love – I didn’t want them to be scared or to worry about me. There is a reason why I’m the Comeback Kid, there’s a reason why my nickname is Wyatt Earp. I knew I would be okay. I knew no matter what happened today, I would get through this. I say it’s ironic becaise in the past I’ve been so worried and focused on my heart, on my MS, on ME. And that just wasn’t the first thought that entered my head today.

So, this post is all about a few updates and information that could be vital for your heart!!

1. We need your help!! Please sign this petition asking President Obama to consider a dramatic increase in funding for heart disease and stroke research, treatment and prevention programs as he develops his budget. Heart disease is the #1 KILLER of both men and women, killing more every year than all the cancers combined. Yet, very little money is put towards research and development that could save our lives.
Here is the link to sign the petition –> http://www.researchsaveslives.org/takeaction.aspx

2. Do you know what to do if someone around you goes into cardiac arrest??? The very life you could save could be your own!! “AEDs can save the life of someone who is in cardiac arrest. So in what public spots should they be placed for maximum benefit?” Follow the link to the full story. Do you know where your closest AED is located? –>http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/healthday/2009/07/29/put-defibrillators-in-high-traffic-spots-studies.html

3. This is for all of you Iphone users…. Are you ready to save the life of someone you love? 80% of sudden cardiac arrest victims collapse at home. The American Heart Association’s new “Pocket First Aid & CPR Guide” iPhone application offers up-to-date, easily-accessible emergency information at the touch of a button. –> http://www.heart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3067191

4. Anyone that has kids knows that it’s not always easy to get them to eat healthy. Get them involved in your family meals and let them try the 10 “kid-friendly,” hands-on recipes in the American Heart Association Healthy Family Meals, a new cookbook with more than 150 recipes the whole family will love. –> http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3067670.

5. For nearly a century, cardiovascular diseases have been responsible for more deaths in the United States than any other cause, claiming a life every 37 seconds. You can make a difference. Help us create a world free of heart disease and stroke. We can do it with your help –> https://donate.americanheart.org/ecommerce/aha/aha_index.jsp?campaignId=77

6. News Flash… AHA journal says “Health risks begin in overweight range, BMI doesn’t tell whole story”. Read the whole story here –> http://americanheart.mediaroom.com/index.php?s=43&item=748

7. The weather’s getting warmer- perfect time for outdoor activities. What’s your favorite way to be phsyically active? Remember, brisk walking for at least 10 minutes each day can positively impact your heart health! Walking is supposed to be one of the best forms of exercise. Follow this link and find out which walking paths are closest to you! –> http://www.startwalkingnow.org

8. You can makeover your heart and become a BetterU. Join me in this 12-week program –> http://www.goredforwomen.org/

Don’t wait until it’s too late to do something about your heart. Don’t wait until the time comes that EVERY decision you make directly effects your heart. Don’t wait until the time comes that you worry everyday of if your heart will function on it’s own. Be proactive and set your heart up for success. You only get one heart in this life. The heart is the most important organ in your body, it’s the heart that matters most. So take care of it!

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You Can’t Hold Me Down

August 4, 2009

So, a couple of weeks ago the MS Society called me to see if the Legs for Lindsey Bike Team would be riding again this year. I painfully told them no. It was especially hard because the day they called I had just gotten my bike set up on the windtrainer and rode for the first time since my heart went kapoot. It was a reminder of how much I took for granted. I thought that was a hard lesson I learned with MS, but the heart took away a whole different set of skills, abilities, luxuries that I took/take for granted on a daily basis. In December when they told me I had heart failure, one of the doctors laughed when I asked is I could run again. He said I would never run a marathon ever again. (I must note here that before Dec I hadn’t ever run a marathon, but it’s always been one of my life goals.)

Anyone that knows me, or hell, even reads this blog knows that I don’t take the word never very lightly. So, how about this, I’ll see your 26 miles and raise you 150!! Legs for Lindsey may not be on the road for this year’s MS Bike Tour, but we will be next year. I already have a training program laid out that works within the confines of my heart limits. I’m back on my bike and in time will be riding the distances I need to make those 150!!!

Lance has come back this year and so can I. I won’t let you hold me DOWN!! Oh, and let me be clear here, I’m finally being smart about how I am fighting this, so don’t think I just hopped on the bike and road 50 miles.

“Down, you can’t hold me down
Cause when no one is around
I won’t be standing here
Just waiting for you to come back home again
Down, you can’t hold me down
Because I finally understand
That what you did is
Not so bad in fact it’s better for me”
– Down by: Safety Suit

So, heart failure, as far as I’m concerned I hope when you see my face it gives you hell! Instead of punching you this time, I’ll just ride over you!! I’ll see you on the hills!!!!!

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