Archive for May, 2010

I’m On A Boat!!!

May 17, 2010

There’s the old saying that when one door closes another opens. And I feel like I’ve had a lot of doors slammed in my face over the last year and a half. In “The Last Lecture”, Randy Pausch says “If you can find an opening then you can find a way to float through it.” He also says, “Sometimes all you have to do is ask and it can lead to all of your dreams coming true.” So, I did. I asked. And I’m not just going to float – I’m sailing away full speed. The journey ahead is not going to be an easy one. I know I’m in for some rough waters. But I’ve dropped a lot of baggage to make my trek much lighter. And most importantly, I have my solid anchor – Christ with me every step of the way.

Today I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that I truly believe God has been preparing me for. I’ve let go of some old parts of me that were weighing me down and holding me back. I made the decision to sat goodbye to a few big aspects of my life, and some people in my life. If you don’t let go, you can never grow. You will never see me for the woman I am, only for the girl I used to be. And that girl has grown, changed, and is no longer a part of me. When you wake up one day and realize you may not have as much of your life left as you thought, time is really not something you want to waste anymore.

My door finally opened, my opening finally showed itself. It is with a serene peach and extreme happiness that I jump on board and charge full steam ahead. For the first time in a long time, I feel God is steering me in the right direction. Actually – truth be told, He has all along. I just needed to be patience, be still and listen.

And now…. I’m on a BOAT!!!

These Dreams…..

May 10, 2010

One of the mantra’s I preach is to live life with no regrets. For the most part, I have. When I look back on my life there are clearly disappointments, but very few items I would say I sincerely regret. Till I started having these dreams….. It’s a dream that has the same theme in it, all linked back to the one event in my life. I don’t know if these dreams are triggered from the fact that I’ve re-connected with this person on facebook or from the fact that it’s prom season or just because I’ve tried to really spend time analyzing what I do and don’t like from my life.

My regret isn’t about having the event itself. My regret stems from never apologizing. It wasn’t until years later when I started better understanding myself that I was able to see the mistake I had made. But when you’re in high school you’re young, immature, naive, inexperienced…. You just don’t know the ways of life or of the heart yet.

In my dream, I make right what I did wrong the first time. Maybe this is some way of my sub-conscience trying to tell me that there are many wrongs I need to right, regardless of who was in the wrong (isn’t that always one we hold on to so tightly = but they were in the wrong…). Maybe it’s my minds way of getting me to think of some options I may not have previously considered. Maybe it’s because it’s prom season and so that’s been the talk around town. Maybe it’s “la-la lands” way of helping me reminisce since I can’t even remember dancing at any of the three proms I went to…..(MS has made my memory like swiss cheese)  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to see the error in my ways. I am sorry I never gave that a chance back then because you were a really great guy. I am sorry I never tried to find you years later when the reality finally caught up with me and tell you I was sorry.  And I don’t know if you ever get on my blog and read my endless rants here and there. And even if you do, I don’t know if you would even remember what I am talking about. But if you do, know that I am sorry. I was a stupid girl back then who has learned more than 5 lifetimes worth of experience in my soon to be 33 years. And I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time around.

Who knows if I would have or will ever get a second chance, but if not, I know these dreams will go on when I close my eyes….