These Dreams…..

One of the mantra’s I preach is to live life with no regrets. For the most part, I have. When I look back on my life there are clearly disappointments, but very few items I would say I sincerely regret. Till I started having these dreams….. It’s a dream that has the same theme in it, all linked back to the one event in my life. I don’t know if these dreams are triggered from the fact that I’ve re-connected with this person on facebook or from the fact that it’s prom season or just because I’ve tried to really spend time analyzing what I do and don’t like from my life.

My regret isn’t about having the event itself. My regret stems from never apologizing. It wasn’t until years later when I started better understanding myself that I was able to see the mistake I had made. But when you’re in high school you’re young, immature, naive, inexperienced…. You just don’t know the ways of life or of the heart yet.

In my dream, I make right what I did wrong the first time. Maybe this is some way of my sub-conscience trying to tell me that there are many wrongs I need to right, regardless of who was in the wrong (isn’t that always one we hold on to so tightly = but they were in the wrong…). Maybe it’s my minds way of getting me to think of some options I may not have previously considered. Maybe it’s because it’s prom season and so that’s been the talk around town. Maybe it’s “la-la lands” way of helping me reminisce since I can’t even remember dancing at any of the three proms I went to…..(MS has made my memory like swiss cheese)  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to see the error in my ways. I am sorry I never gave that a chance back then because you were a really great guy. I am sorry I never tried to find you years later when the reality finally caught up with me and tell you I was sorry.  And I don’t know if you ever get on my blog and read my endless rants here and there. And even if you do, I don’t know if you would even remember what I am talking about. But if you do, know that I am sorry. I was a stupid girl back then who has learned more than 5 lifetimes worth of experience in my soon to be 33 years. And I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time around.

Who knows if I would have or will ever get a second chance, but if not, I know these dreams will go on when I close my eyes….

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