All We Need is Just a Little Patience

I’ve said over and over on this blog that patience is a virtue I just wasn’t born with. But when I look back over this last year and chapter of my life, I feel this is also one of the biggest lessons I have been taught…. have tried to learn…. have seen that I need more than anything. Am still working on…..

But today, we have no patience, we just need to vent!

Said, woman, take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
(Guns’N’Roses: Patience)

I have tried to patiently wait for my heart to heal itself medically. I get that my heart didn’t fail overnight and it won’t get better overnight. Maybe my patience is running thin on the small improvements, I need to see something bigger. And now I am supposed to be patient while we figure out if some suit did put a price tag on my heart? How do I have patience for that, why should I have patience for that? Maybe I’m tired of having patience with this. If you screwed up my heart, you don’t deserve my patience. And now you want to throw in my face that “It was just understood that heart failure was a serious possibility by taking this drug”, so this is actually my fault? You are one insane lady if you think I will have any patience for that load of bullshit!

I have patiently waited for the time to come when I can get back into my dance class. I don’t know how much more patience I can have with this one, I need to dance like I need to breathe. I have accepted that there are certain activities I will never be able to do again, or even try for the first time. But I can’t sit here and patiently wait as the last bit of happiness in my life gets stripped away….. Maybe I’m just tired of having patience with this.

For 12 years I have patiently waited for a cure for MS. For the longest time I was told there would be a cure by the time I was 30. Just turned the dial to 32 this year, and nothing. We have stronger medicines, but nothing that can just wipe this out for me. Nothing that can take away my worry of waking up tomorrow and not being able to walk.  Nothing that can wipe away the seizures. Nothing that can give me the peace of mind that one day I won’t need someone to take care of me. And there is amazing research out there – medicines and procedures that could get us a lot closer to where we need to be. But there is too much political bullshit holding this progress back. And I have patiently waited 12 years. I get there are people who have lived with this disease for 25 years. But at the current moment, I am walking like a drunk person thanks to MS, hooked up to an IV that is supposed to make me better and dealing with the realization that this may be my life, alone. And I guess my patience has just run out here too.

I waited patiently for my broken heart to mend itself with time. And just when you think it’s all over, everything is in the past you get a rude little email to remind you of just how bad it hurt. I patiently went thru all the grieving stages, and I’m done with it. I guess my patience has just run out here. I’ve been waiting patiently for the time to come that I was ready to venture back out into the dating world. Only it seems everytime I dip my toe in that pool, I get burned.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world….”
(Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars)

I’ve waited patiently for someone to chase cars with me…. Maybe my patience is wasted in this arena. Maybe I had that one shot at love with someone who could look into my heart and see me, see past the MS and see me, see past the heart failure and see me, see past the sickness and see me – someone to just forget the world with me. Maybe I’m stupid for patiently waiting that someone could come around again. Because right now, I honestly don’t think he is.

“Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
‘Cause the lights are shining bright

I been walkin’ the streets at night
Just tryin’ to get it right
hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like
Being stuck in the crowd
And the street don’t change
But baby the name
I ain’t got time for the game”
(GNR: Patience)

I have patiently waited to see some vision, some sign of what direction I am supposed to go in this life. I have a road tattooed on my back (mixed in with a bigger tattoo) that is symbolic of this journey I have yet to travel in this life. Maybe my patience has run out on trying to figure this out. Why can’t a big piece of the sky just fall and hit me in the head with the road map for my life?

I know at the end of the day I need to just trust God and be patient in Him. But today has just been one of those days that I needed to vent, and my patience has run out…..

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