Posts Tagged ‘Rants’

Confession Time…..Saturday Morning

January 23, 2010

I’m sure at this point when people read this on my blog they are going to hate me. How in the world can I even begin to complain or have a complaint? I’m on the trip of a lifetime, getting the opportunity of a lifetime – to see and experience events few non-celebrity people get to do. I’m traveling with a quadrapalegic who would probably love to feel pain in his legs, to feel anything in his legs….. Yet, it’s saturday morning, and I have another confession to make……..

I just don’t know how much more my arms and legs can lift. They are so tired, they’re turning into noodles. I haven’t lifted anything over 15 pounds since before December 2009, so this week has felt like I’m training for the Ironman Competition. And even though I am clearly struggling, Drew seems to have the utmost patience with me when I screw things up.

I have so much respect for him and his family right now. Really gives me a new appreciation of what my parents have dealt with throughout all my medical mishaps. As soon as I want to complain I just look over at Drew, and my mind cannot begin to understand or comprehend what life is like for him. I hate confessions. I hate that I even think these thoughts of weakness.

Confession Time…..Friday Morning

January 22, 2010

I woke up so tired and sore. I can feel my legs starting to shut down. I can feel I’ve put too much stress on my heart, fluid is backing up in my chest like there is a running facet inside there. And I feel like the most selfish, vain bitch for even feeling this way. I guess maybe by writing it I’m not saying it out loud, as if that makes this any better. I don’t have the right to complain. Drew can’t feel his legs, can’t move his legs. I’m trying so hard to help with moving him in/out of his wheelchair, getting him dressed and I feel like this weakling. As I blow dry my hair I can’t stop my eyes from watering up. I don’t want Drew to see me crying. I’m sitting here frustrated because my legs are tired and my heart is exhausted. And Drew is in a wheelchair.

Just as I am about to hit rock bottom from the guilt of feeling sorry for myself Drew starts laughing. He’s watching some of the video I took last night at his party. That smile lights up my heart. That laugh lets my body know it will be okay, it can make it. Despite the bruises, the aches, the pains – I will be okay. If he can have the strength to survive on an icy road, I can muster up the strength to continue doing this.

Confession Time….

January 21, 2010

I can’t get the conversation I had with Melissa at the bar Tuesday night out of my mind. I’ve heard Drew tell his story of what little he remembers happened, and what people told him happened; but to not only hear her words – to see the fear still in her eyes at the thought of losing her brother. It really has moved me. They say when you have children you experience a love unlike no other, true unconditional love. I would match that with the heartfelt words that came from Melissa’s mouth. She truly would, will and did move mountains to help Drew, to make his life a little easier, to get him anything he needs, to put a smile on his face. If you could see the fierceness in her eyes when it comes to her brother, you would understand. She was not going to lose her brother, not then and not now. He is her heart. Makes me wonder who in my life would fight that hard for me? I know two – my mother and my father. Drew and Melissa have a very special relationship, a special connection. Almost makes me jealous that I don’t have that same type of bond and relationship with my brother and sister.

People have often said to me that if they were in my situation they don’t feel they would survive or be able to fight. I kindly would reply with you just never know how you will react until put in the situation, that often times you will surprise even yourself. I am the one now saying those words – I don’t think I am strong enough to survive what he has. I don’t think I would have held on 16 hours on an iced over road with the desire to live like he did. And I definitely don’t think I would have the will to continue pushing down walls when just about every one of my personal abilities was taken away from me. What makes me so ashamed now, is that this time last year I was on here ranting about how I couldn’t go sky diving or go to my dance class because my stupid little heart went into failure.

I have no reason to complain when I am with Drew. You have no reason to complain. Having Drew in my life, knowing him, spending time with him – makes me a better person. Now I just need to get the rest of the world to know him…..

Wrestling Demons

October 16, 2009

Ok, so most of my fighting matches and blogs have been centered around karate, but this one is going to be a little different. Inside all of us are demons we are constantly battling to be the better person we know we can be. The demons that whisper good-for-nothing temptations in your ears. The demons that just curl themselves up in a suitcase for you to carry as extra baggage all your life until you decide to deal with it, until you decide to wrestle.

The big demon I am wrestling right now is Mr.Sandman. You have infiltrated my dreams long enough to no avail. You gave me hopes and beliefs that were not grounded in anything but mirages. And like a camel walking to water, I ran straight to your mirage with open arms, only to end up grabbing at empty air. Just like the feeling you left in my heart – empty. You sprinkled your magic dust in my mind to dream that the universe would grant me that one more wish, only to wake up with a haunted halo.

“Confront the dark parts of your self and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strengths.” – August Wilson

Everyday when I wake up I have demons to wrestle – will I be able to walk, will I make it through the day without a seizure, will I be able to breathe, will I have extra fluid in my chest from my heart. Will I be strong enough to fight it all off, still keep a smile on my face and keep my focus on where I am going in life. Will I truly have the strength to not give up on my fight. Will I be smart enough to make it to where I need to go. Will I know that I’m not all alone when there’s no one there to hold my hand. Will I wake up alive. Will my heart function okay on its own. Maybe that’s the difference between you and me, Mr.Sandman. I don’t have a choice. These demons wait patiently for me as I sleep and seem to be several cups of coffee ahead of me when I wake up. So ready or not, they attack as soon as I get out of bed. Whereas you can simply pack all of your demons in that luggage you carry around. But battling these demons makes me stronger. Battling these demons makes me a better person.  Battling these demons keeps me alive. And soon enough, these demons will get tired of wrestling with me and will move on to the next soul to haunt. And the fact that I am brave enough to get up and fight them everyday, makes my angels sing even louder and motivates me even more.

So, Mr.Sandman, what’s your excuse? What do you possibly have to hide behind? What could be so terrifying that it is greater than life? You know what your demons are. You know the door is right there to walk through to get your battle started, so what’s holding you back? What are you so scared of? That you might actually become a better person, that you might actually feel happy and more alive than you ever felt before? That you might experience some relief from not carrying around all that baggage? (because I promise you, it’s a hell of a lot lighter load) That maybe it’s time for you to finally grow up? That maybe your two regrets don’t have to be regrets but actually dreams you make come true? You are the only one in charge of your own happiness. So own it!

Here’s one thing I do know, when God sends us down strong paths He gives us strong shoes. I happen to also have a pretty good pair of boxing gloves. But in true martial arts fashion – you have to be good on your feet and on the ground. So I keep my demons guessing all the time on what angle I’ll hit them with. You have to figure out what artillery you need to fight your demons. And as angry as I am that you have crossed over the line to the other side to be my demon versus the sweet something to look forward to in my dreams, I wish you all the best with your fight. And hope you find your peace.

I Know Sometimes It’s Gonna Rain…

October 14, 2009

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Today I am trying to remember how to dance. God knows it has been pouring like mad here in Atlanta, so there is no shortage of puddles to jump in. But for whatever reason, I can’t seem to remember my moves, or how to even begin. I put my dance shoes on – nothing. Pulled out some of my old costumes – no inspiration. I even put on one of my favorite dance movies – Breakin’ – and nada….

Just as the rain is coming down in gallons outside, the tears just flow like buckets. Normally I can find some cryptic way to write about what I’m feeling or what is going on in my life without just flat out coming out with the words. But tonight the storm is brewing and I can’t remember how to dance. My heart is so heavy right now. I don’t even know where to begin……

How did I get to this point? What was I thinking putting all my eggs in that basket? Why did I take the chance? Who convinced me to believe it could work, or be okay? And why did I believe them??? Was it ever really worth it? When did I stop seeing the writing on the wall? How do I pull my hands out of the fire? Where do I go from here? Why can’t people tell you the truth? How do I explain “that” without it hurting them? Could this have been prevented? Why don’t they understand? What were they thinking…..why, why, why? Can it be saved? Were the consequences not even considered? Will it ever change? What happens next? Where do I find my dance steps? Can I stop the stealth? Are you ever really ready? How do I prepare?Do you think……. Is it possible…… What if……..

I look back at different life experiences and there were times I didn’t know how I would get out of bed the next day. I didn’t think my heart would ever feel again. And I know tomorrow will come, and I will wake up and continue on with my life. I mean, hell, I have survived a lot worse than this. And will continue to do so. But dancing is what makes me smile, dancing is what makes my life exciting. Dancing is what gets me through the day.

The tears will slow. The pain will cease. The sun will rise again, and I will start a new day. And in the rays I will find my step, Lindsey will get her groove back…..

But in the meantime, it’s gonna rain.

Ponderings of a Sleep Deprived, Heavily Medicated Lunatic

October 5, 2009

After 48-hours of very little sleep, back to back seizures and some pretty heavy medications….. a few thoughts ran across my mind…. WARNING: The following is written off of very little sleep and lots of muscle relaxers!

– Why do I always forget to buy toothpaste when I’m grocery shopping? Even though every time I put it on the stupid list, I still forget it….. And it forces me to make another trip to the store! Ugh!
– Why do we say “sticks & stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me”? When in fact they hurt like hell…
– Has anyone ever really challenged a fast food restaurant that says your meal is for free if they fail to give you a reciept?
– Is Krystal truly better at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night of heavy drinking?
– Why do we hurt the ones we love the most first and push them away?
– When the low fuel light on my gas tank blinks, how many miles do I really have left?
– Why can’t people in Atlanta drive?
– Does Chick-fil-A reuse left over chicken nuggets for the next morning’s chicken-mini’s they serve for breakfast? Don’t get me wrong here, I think it was genius finding a way to let me have chicken nuggets for breakfast, but just wondering….
– Is everything really just black and white, or can we healthily & happily live in shades of gray?
– Can you name one soap opera star that has truly died on a show and never returned from the dead?
– Why can’t the pharmacy assistant at the Walgreen I get my prescriptions filled ever smile? Or say anything nice? She really wants to make your prescription re-fill experience as miserable as possible.
– On Days of our Lives, how many times can Bo and Hope marry, divorce, marry, separate, re-marry and think this really is “forever”?
– Why does every celebrity couple out there think they need a reality show? Do they honestly think we give a damn about their live???
– Why is Watershed the ONLY place I will eat a pimento cheese sandwich (unless I make it myself because I have his recipe)? Other places can say they use the same exact recipe and I don’t trust it……..
– When will the world realize that tuna in a can is not real fish??????
– Why do people think that yelling their argument/point is going to make the other party hear it any better?
– Why is it so hard to say I’m sorry when you truly are, and truly mean it?
– And when someone does say their sorry, why is it sometimes so hard to forgive and forget?
– When I’m at the MS Center, why does everyone automatically assume people want to tell their life stories with the disease? Sometimes we just want to get our IV’s, listen to our iPods and move on…..
– Why does every Mayor in Atlanta promise to fix all the pot holes, yet nothing has been done?
– Is there truly an end date in site somewhere in this century to the road work being done on I-75?
– Be honest, can you really tell the difference between Ragu and Prego spaghetti sauce?
– It takes about 2 seconds from when the traffic light turns green for me to release my foot off the brake and hit the gas. Why is this never fast enough for the guy behind me?
– What are those ladies really saying about you at the nail salon as they give you a pedicure??
– Is breakfast really better when eaten for dinner?
– What in the world is it in Paula Deen’s Chicken Pot Pie that makes it so damn good?
– Do all actresses use fake eye lashes, or are some people naturally born with thicker eye lashes?
– Why do I always grow my hair out in the summer when it’s hot and cut it in the winter when it’s cold???
– Why is it that Jack Daniels has 0mg of sodium but it not good for your heart, yet red wine has 35 mg of sodium and is supposed to be good for your heart???

– If he really does love her, why won’t he just tell her???????????? Maybe she needs to hear it……

Operation: Blow Up Heart!!

September 8, 2009

Everyone has a little bit of a rebel in them, right? Everyone likes to push the limits every now and then to see how far they can go or how much they can get away with. I think that over the last couple of weeks I was on a mission – I called it Operation Blow Up My Heart. Now don’t take this the wrong way, this was by no means some type of suicide mission. This was me just trying to see how far I could push things.

My life is operated around all of these rules and restrictions I have to abide by. I can’t just eat whatever I want. Not because I’m worried about gaining weight, I’m worried about the impact on my heart. My freestyle life as I knew changed when I was 20 and diagnosed with MS. Over the years, I figured out my boundaries and how close I could get to those electric fences before I got shocked. And for the most part, I could operate as freely as I wanted to….. Then last December my freestyle life as I knew came to a complete halt. At the beginning it was simply trying to adjust to every punch and stone being thrown at me. Then it was following those rules, regulations, restrictions as closely disciplined as if I were in the military. I changed my strategy to being a little more lenient, so I could have a “little fun” and tested the waters that way. Throughout all of this, we saw my heart improve, get worse, get a little better, take a serious dive south, then start to jump back up. I tried things my doctor’s way, and they didn’t exactly work. I tried things my way, and they didn’t exactly work. I needed to find a new ground. I needed to shake things up a little bit!! I needed to find a little spice!!

You know those commercials where someone is trying to make a decision and you have the angel on one shoulder telling you to be good and the devil on the other shoulder telling you to be bad. Well, I put that bandana around my head, ripped holes in my jeans, hopped on a Harley and decide to defy everything!! (Okay, not really, I’m actually scared of motorcycles…. but you get the point). I decided to be a rebel. To just do, eat, drink, act however I wanted to; despite what my doctors orders were. I wanted to see just how far I could push this heart. I wanted to see what my limits were. I was TIRED of being scared of everything that “could” go wrong….. I wanted to see if we could blow up my heart!

I’m sure if my doctor is reading this then he’ll have a heart attack himself. I’m a firm believer that you have to take responsibility for your actions. I’m an adult, I knew what I was doing and trust me, I paid for my rebellious stage! I was pretty much bedridden, not able to breathe or move for about three days.

But my mission was successful. If you don’t make mistakes, you’ll never learn. And if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’ll never grow in this life. I write this particular blog not to scare people. But so that you understand I am human too. I get angry. I get scared. I want to push the limits and see what I can and can’t get away with. That no matter if it’s MS or Heart Failure, you don’t wake up everyday as a fighter and that health advocate that does the right thing. Its a conscious choice I have to make, everyday. And somedays, I chose to be a rebel.

So….. why do I feel my mission was successful? Well, I have a new found desire to be that health advocate for myself. It’s like the person who diets all the time and just wants to eat a piece of chocolate cake every now and then. I know more of what my limits and boundaries are, not that I need or should push myself there all the time. But it helped take away some of my fear of “what could happen if….”. (I still have this with many aspects of my heart, but we were able to knock a few off the list). And lastly, as long as there is ORANGE blood running through these veins, there isn’t anything that will kill this heart!!!

All We Need is Just a Little Patience

September 1, 2009

I’ve said over and over on this blog that patience is a virtue I just wasn’t born with. But when I look back over this last year and chapter of my life, I feel this is also one of the biggest lessons I have been taught…. have tried to learn…. have seen that I need more than anything. Am still working on…..

But today, we have no patience, we just need to vent!

Said, woman, take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
(Guns’N’Roses: Patience)

I have tried to patiently wait for my heart to heal itself medically. I get that my heart didn’t fail overnight and it won’t get better overnight. Maybe my patience is running thin on the small improvements, I need to see something bigger. And now I am supposed to be patient while we figure out if some suit did put a price tag on my heart? How do I have patience for that, why should I have patience for that? Maybe I’m tired of having patience with this. If you screwed up my heart, you don’t deserve my patience. And now you want to throw in my face that “It was just understood that heart failure was a serious possibility by taking this drug”, so this is actually my fault? You are one insane lady if you think I will have any patience for that load of bullshit!

I have patiently waited for the time to come when I can get back into my dance class. I don’t know how much more patience I can have with this one, I need to dance like I need to breathe. I have accepted that there are certain activities I will never be able to do again, or even try for the first time. But I can’t sit here and patiently wait as the last bit of happiness in my life gets stripped away….. Maybe I’m just tired of having patience with this.

For 12 years I have patiently waited for a cure for MS. For the longest time I was told there would be a cure by the time I was 30. Just turned the dial to 32 this year, and nothing. We have stronger medicines, but nothing that can just wipe this out for me. Nothing that can take away my worry of waking up tomorrow and not being able to walk.  Nothing that can wipe away the seizures. Nothing that can give me the peace of mind that one day I won’t need someone to take care of me. And there is amazing research out there – medicines and procedures that could get us a lot closer to where we need to be. But there is too much political bullshit holding this progress back. And I have patiently waited 12 years. I get there are people who have lived with this disease for 25 years. But at the current moment, I am walking like a drunk person thanks to MS, hooked up to an IV that is supposed to make me better and dealing with the realization that this may be my life, alone. And I guess my patience has just run out here too.

I waited patiently for my broken heart to mend itself with time. And just when you think it’s all over, everything is in the past you get a rude little email to remind you of just how bad it hurt. I patiently went thru all the grieving stages, and I’m done with it. I guess my patience has just run out here. I’ve been waiting patiently for the time to come that I was ready to venture back out into the dating world. Only it seems everytime I dip my toe in that pool, I get burned.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world….”
(Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars)

I’ve waited patiently for someone to chase cars with me…. Maybe my patience is wasted in this arena. Maybe I had that one shot at love with someone who could look into my heart and see me, see past the MS and see me, see past the heart failure and see me, see past the sickness and see me – someone to just forget the world with me. Maybe I’m stupid for patiently waiting that someone could come around again. Because right now, I honestly don’t think he is.

“Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
‘Cause the lights are shining bright

I been walkin’ the streets at night
Just tryin’ to get it right
hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like
Being stuck in the crowd
And the street don’t change
But baby the name
I ain’t got time for the game”
(GNR: Patience)

I have patiently waited to see some vision, some sign of what direction I am supposed to go in this life. I have a road tattooed on my back (mixed in with a bigger tattoo) that is symbolic of this journey I have yet to travel in this life. Maybe my patience has run out on trying to figure this out. Why can’t a big piece of the sky just fall and hit me in the head with the road map for my life?

I know at the end of the day I need to just trust God and be patient in Him. But today has just been one of those days that I needed to vent, and my patience has run out…..

All Fired Up

August 9, 2009

So… I have to say it took a couple of days to cool off from this to be able to write without every other word being a curse word. I was told the statement, “MS sounds an awful lot like BS!!!”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS???? Could you honestly be any more insulting to me?

Living with my eyes closed, goin day to day
I never knew the difference, I never cared either way
(Pat Benetar, All Fired Up)

Before being diagnosed with MS, I did take so much for granted. Everyday luxeries that can be such a challenge for me now. MS changed my life forever on how I view the world, the luxeries I thank God I can do when I can do them!

So, everytime I lost my ability to walk and needed the assistance of my cane or walker – that’s BS?
Everytime I have a seizure that makes me flop like a fish out of water – that’s BS?
Everytime I lose feeling in my hands and my arms and I can’t feed myself – that’s BS?
Needing hand controls in my car because from day to day we never knew if I would be able to walk – that’s BS?
Having my doctor sit on my hospital bed and tell me he didn’t know if I would ever walk again – that’s BS?
Three years of chemotherapy that has now put my heart into failure – that’s BS?

Ain’t nobody livin, in a perfect world
Everybody’s out there, cryin to be heard
Now I got a new fire, burnin’ in my eyes
Lightin up the darkness, movin like a meterorite

I’ll tell you what is BS – your medical opinion on this matter. And if you think this is the last you will hear of this, you have another thing coming. I am all fired up over this! You can call me BS all you want to, but back off of the other 400,000 people diagnosed in the US with MS.

That’s right, did you know that approximately 400,000 Americans have MS? Every week about 200 people are diagnosed and worldwide MS affects about 2.5 million people. So all of this is BS??? There are 4 types of MS. Before disease-modifying drugs became available, 50% of people with relapsing-remitting MS (which is what I have) developed secondary-progressive MS within 10 years. So, scientist came up with BS meds to stop the progression of a BS disease, is that what you’re still telling me???

The MS Society was founded in 1946. Across the country there are over 460,000 volunteers. So all of these people are volunteering for a disease that is just BS, they’re just wasting their time??? In 2007, the Society’s total revenue was $241 million. Are you calling that kind of money BS? There were over 100,000 cyclist that rode in over 100 MS Bike Tour rides across the country. And I was one of those cyclists – so all of this is BS????

All Fired Up
Now I believe there comes a time
All Fired Up
When everything just falls in line
All Fired Up
We live and learn from our mistakes
All Fired Up
The deepest cuts are healed by faith

I hope you learn from the mistake of calling this disease BS. It is anything but. It is a serious, debilitating disease that you wouldn’t begin to know how to handle. And as much as this disease may cripple me, it’s not near as crippling as your ignorance is to you. Keep that in mind next time you want to try and pick on me or one of my kind. And let this be fair warning, you make a comment like that again, you will be checked – fast. Because you’ve got me all fired up, and I’m not backing down!