Posts Tagged ‘Confessions’

Confession Time…..Saturday Morning

January 23, 2010

I’m sure at this point when people read this on my blog they are going to hate me. How in the world can I even begin to complain or have a complaint? I’m on the trip of a lifetime, getting the opportunity of a lifetime – to see and experience events few non-celebrity people get to do. I’m traveling with a quadrapalegic who would probably love to feel pain in his legs, to feel anything in his legs….. Yet, it’s saturday morning, and I have another confession to make……..

I just don’t know how much more my arms and legs can lift. They are so tired, they’re turning into noodles. I haven’t lifted anything over 15 pounds since before December 2009, so this week has felt like I’m training for the Ironman Competition. And even though I am clearly struggling, Drew seems to have the utmost patience with me when I screw things up.

I have so much respect for him and his family right now. Really gives me a new appreciation of what my parents have dealt with throughout all my medical mishaps. As soon as I want to complain I just look over at Drew, and my mind cannot begin to understand or comprehend what life is like for him. I hate confessions. I hate that I even think these thoughts of weakness.

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Confession Time…..Friday Morning

January 22, 2010

I woke up so tired and sore. I can feel my legs starting to shut down. I can feel I’ve put too much stress on my heart, fluid is backing up in my chest like there is a running facet inside there. And I feel like the most selfish, vain bitch for even feeling this way. I guess maybe by writing it I’m not saying it out loud, as if that makes this any better. I don’t have the right to complain. Drew can’t feel his legs, can’t move his legs. I’m trying so hard to help with moving him in/out of his wheelchair, getting him dressed and I feel like this weakling. As I blow dry my hair I can’t stop my eyes from watering up. I don’t want Drew to see me crying. I’m sitting here frustrated because my legs are tired and my heart is exhausted. And Drew is in a wheelchair.

Just as I am about to hit rock bottom from the guilt of feeling sorry for myself Drew starts laughing. He’s watching some of the video I took last night at his party. That smile lights up my heart. That laugh lets my body know it will be okay, it can make it. Despite the bruises, the aches, the pains – I will be okay. If he can have the strength to survive on an icy road, I can muster up the strength to continue doing this.

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Confession Time….

January 21, 2010

I can’t get the conversation I had with Melissa at the bar Tuesday night out of my mind. I’ve heard Drew tell his story of what little he remembers happened, and what people told him happened; but to not only hear her words – to see the fear still in her eyes at the thought of losing her brother. It really has moved me. They say when you have children you experience a love unlike no other, true unconditional love. I would match that with the heartfelt words that came from Melissa’s mouth. She truly would, will and did move mountains to help Drew, to make his life a little easier, to get him anything he needs, to put a smile on his face. If you could see the fierceness in her eyes when it comes to her brother, you would understand. She was not going to lose her brother, not then and not now. He is her heart. Makes me wonder who in my life would fight that hard for me? I know two – my mother and my father. Drew and Melissa have a very special relationship, a special connection. Almost makes me jealous that I don’t have that same type of bond and relationship with my brother and sister.

People have often said to me that if they were in my situation they don’t feel they would survive or be able to fight. I kindly would reply with you just never know how you will react until put in the situation, that often times you will surprise even yourself. I am the one now saying those words – I don’t think I am strong enough to survive what he has. I don’t think I would have held on 16 hours on an iced over road with the desire to live like he did. And I definitely don’t think I would have the will to continue pushing down walls when just about every one of my personal abilities was taken away from me. What makes me so ashamed now, is that this time last year I was on here ranting about how I couldn’t go sky diving or go to my dance class because my stupid little heart went into failure.

I have no reason to complain when I am with Drew. You have no reason to complain. Having Drew in my life, knowing him, spending time with him – makes me a better person. Now I just need to get the rest of the world to know him…..

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A Scary Moment

January 20, 2010

So… tonight something really scared the shit out of me. Drew woke up in the middle of the night and was trying to get mine or Melissa’s attention. When I finally came out of my sleep fog to realize what was going on, Melissa had it all taken care of and was laying back down. He needed the blankets adjusted. While some of you may not think that is a big deal, it is to him. If the blankets weigh too heavily on his feet, they can create sores on his toes. What scared me soo badly was what if I hadn’t woken up? What if it was just me in the room and he couldn’t get my attention? A fear pierced thru my body…. Is this some kind of sign – like a sign that I won’t be a good mother one day?

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Alone

January 20, 2010

I actually wrote this Tuesday night, just didn’t have time to post it….

Drew wanted a little alone time tonight to decompress, so Melissa and I went to the bar for a few drinks. A very harsh reality set in with me. Drew can’t go to sleep until we come back to the room. He can’t just say, “Okay, I’ve had enough for today” and call it an early night. Just about every move he makes depends on someone else. When’s the last time you laid down to take a nap? Remember how good that felt? Well, next time remember that nap is a LUXURY you take for granted everytime you lay your precious little head on that pillow. And what about that night you spent tossing and turning because you couldn’t sleep. You probably woke up the next day complaining about the bad night’s sleep you had. I know I have! The ability to toss and turn in your sleep is another LUXURY you take for granted.

As I’m writing this, Drew calls out for me – Did he take his night medicine? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten to take my medicine. But here’s the difference – I forget, I get up out of bed, go to my bathroom and take my medicine. He can’t. Someone has to put the pills in his mouth. I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for him. Trust me, that is the LAST thing Drew wants. I’m writing this because of the basic functions we have in everyday life that all os us take for granted. And while he is literally busting his ass so that he’s not just another number on disability, working every breathing moment he has to make something out of himself so that people don’t see him as Drew the quad but Drew the brilliant artist, CNN is reporting about what message Michelle Obama’s fashion choices are sending America!! Really?? Are you serious?? Seems like we need to get our priorities straight. Maybe CNN needs some time alone to decompress!!!

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