I woke up so tired and sore. I can feel my legs starting to shut down. I can feel I’ve put too much stress on my heart, fluid is backing up in my chest like there is a running facet inside there. And I feel like the most selfish, vain bitch for even feeling this way. I guess maybe by writing it I’m not saying it out loud, as if that makes this any better. I don’t have the right to complain. Drew can’t feel his legs, can’t move his legs. I’m trying so hard to help with moving him in/out of his wheelchair, getting him dressed and I feel like this weakling. As I blow dry my hair I can’t stop my eyes from watering up. I don’t want Drew to see me crying. I’m sitting here frustrated because my legs are tired and my heart is exhausted. And Drew is in a wheelchair.
Just as I am about to hit rock bottom from the guilt of feeling sorry for myself Drew starts laughing. He’s watching some of the video I took last night at his party. That smile lights up my heart. That laugh lets my body know it will be okay, it can make it. Despite the bruises, the aches, the pains – I will be okay. If he can have the strength to survive on an icy road, I can muster up the strength to continue doing this.
Tags: Confessions, Deep Thoughts, Health, Heart Failure, Los Angeles, Multiple Sclerosis, Rants, Reflections, Relationships
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