Everyone has a little bit of a rebel in them, right? Everyone likes to push the limits every now and then to see how far they can go or how much they can get away with. I think that over the last couple of weeks I was on a mission – I called it Operation Blow Up My Heart. Now don’t take this the wrong way, this was by no means some type of suicide mission. This was me just trying to see how far I could push things.
My life is operated around all of these rules and restrictions I have to abide by. I can’t just eat whatever I want. Not because I’m worried about gaining weight, I’m worried about the impact on my heart. My freestyle life as I knew changed when I was 20 and diagnosed with MS. Over the years, I figured out my boundaries and how close I could get to those electric fences before I got shocked. And for the most part, I could operate as freely as I wanted to….. Then last December my freestyle life as I knew came to a complete halt. At the beginning it was simply trying to adjust to every punch and stone being thrown at me. Then it was following those rules, regulations, restrictions as closely disciplined as if I were in the military. I changed my strategy to being a little more lenient, so I could have a “little fun” and tested the waters that way. Throughout all of this, we saw my heart improve, get worse, get a little better, take a serious dive south, then start to jump back up. I tried things my doctor’s way, and they didn’t exactly work. I tried things my way, and they didn’t exactly work. I needed to find a new ground. I needed to shake things up a little bit!! I needed to find a little spice!!
You know those commercials where someone is trying to make a decision and you have the angel on one shoulder telling you to be good and the devil on the other shoulder telling you to be bad. Well, I put that bandana around my head, ripped holes in my jeans, hopped on a Harley and decide to defy everything!! (Okay, not really, I’m actually scared of motorcycles…. but you get the point). I decided to be a rebel. To just do, eat, drink, act however I wanted to; despite what my doctors orders were. I wanted to see just how far I could push this heart. I wanted to see what my limits were. I was TIRED of being scared of everything that “could” go wrong….. I wanted to see if we could blow up my heart!
I’m sure if my doctor is reading this then he’ll have a heart attack himself. I’m a firm believer that you have to take responsibility for your actions. I’m an adult, I knew what I was doing and trust me, I paid for my rebellious stage! I was pretty much bedridden, not able to breathe or move for about three days.
But my mission was successful. If you don’t make mistakes, you’ll never learn. And if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’ll never grow in this life. I write this particular blog not to scare people. But so that you understand I am human too. I get angry. I get scared. I want to push the limits and see what I can and can’t get away with. That no matter if it’s MS or Heart Failure, you don’t wake up everyday as a fighter and that health advocate that does the right thing. Its a conscious choice I have to make, everyday. And somedays, I chose to be a rebel.
So….. why do I feel my mission was successful? Well, I have a new found desire to be that health advocate for myself. It’s like the person who diets all the time and just wants to eat a piece of chocolate cake every now and then. I know more of what my limits and boundaries are, not that I need or should push myself there all the time. But it helped take away some of my fear of “what could happen if….”. (I still have this with many aspects of my heart, but we were able to knock a few off the list). And lastly, as long as there is ORANGE blood running through these veins, there isn’t anything that will kill this heart!!!
Tags: Health, Heart Failure, Rants
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