Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

I will never forget the day I left to go to college. I had my Jeep packed to the rim and drove off as my mom stood in the driveway crying and waving goodbye to her little girl. When I said goodbye I also said I would never come back home (I would come home for holidays, but I would never move back home). At 18 I already knew everything there was to know about the world and was ready to tackle it. And in that knowledge I knew that home was never where I would be happy or be successful. Once I started college, I kept my word. Each summer I stayed in Knoxville, anxious to finish my degrees and become queen of corporate america.

I moved to Atlanta after college and just fell in love with this city. I loved the fast-paced lifestyle, I loved the competitiveness to climb that ladder faster than anyone else. I loved the push to be better, to look better, to have the best “things”. And for almost a decade I have kept up with this grueling pace. But between MS and my heart failure, I have quickly come to realize I no longer live in the land I once knew and something is going to have to change.

“I was looking for something I couldn’t replace
I was running away from the only thing I’ve ever known
Who says you can’t go home
There’s only one place, they call me one of their own”  (Bon Jovi – Who Says You Can’t Go Home)

Lately I have been spending a lot of time back in my hometown of Tifton. People often make the mistake of saying that because Southerners have a thick accent or they talk slower, or overall operate at a slower pace means they aren’t as intelligent as others. I beg to differ. I always fought the slower way of life, but here lately I have come to appreciate it more and more.  No matter where you go, no matter what happens in your life – you always have home to go back to. And as much as I swore off that, as much as I fought hard to never have to go back home. I have a serene peace in being there. A comfort that I can’t find here in Atlanta.

“With every step I take I know I’m not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I’ve ever known
Who says you can’t go home”

My doc has begged me to slow down, to relax. In Tifton I can do that. Because that is just how business is done down there. And don’t underestimate the financial power of this town. You make time in the morning to read the paper and drink your cup of coffee. You make time to sit down and eat lunch. You make time to cook dinner and eat together as a family. And you make time to share a few laughs and share what’s going on in your life. But in the midst of all of this, you get business done too. That’s just not how it works here in Atlanta. It feels like its a rush to find your way thru the chaos that’s called life here. You eat breakfast in the car, you’re constantly fighting traffic, you have to schedule time to catch up with your friends. And it makes me wonder just how much of life we’ve been missing….. Maybe as I’m getting older I realize more and more the importance of family. Or maybe I am finally realizing that slowing down doesn’t mean you can’t be productive and happy or successful. It’s actually the opposite.

“It doesn’t matter where you are, It doesn’t matter where you go
If it’s a million miles away or just 10 miles up the road
Take it in, Take it where you go
Who says you can’t go home”

I turn 32 years old this year. And I always thought I knew my sister pretty well, that we had a close relationship. But it has been the most special gift from God the time He has given me with her over the last couple of months. I get so excited to stop by the farmer’s market on the way to Tifton and pick out whatever goodies I’m going to cook. I look forward to cranking up the ipod, grabbing a cucumber for a microphone and singing and dancing our way around the kitchen. I laughingly enjoy getting up in the morning and reading all four pages of the Tifton paper. I cherish the talks, the laughs and the cries we’ve experienced. I feel like my sister has brought me back home, a place that maybe I belong. She has helped to open up a way of life to me that I just couldn’t find in Atlanta, a way of life I so desperately needed to survive. In a way, Julie has been a pivotal stepping stone in helping to save my heart. I don’t know, maybe in our own little ways, we’ve helped to save each other.

So who says you can’t go home? For the first time in my life, I no longer have any ties that are keeping me in Atlanta. And that in itself is such a freeing feeling. Knowing I can go anywhere my little heart desires.

“Take this sinking ship and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you had the choice
You’ve made it now”   (The Frames – Falling Slowly)

I’ve got my life vest on, but I know my ship won’t sink. It’s just a matter of turning the tides to point me home again. And there is such a safety knowing I can always go home again.

I used to hate this comment as a kid. I always wanted to know my birthday gifts before my birthday. And every year I would get the inevitable, “Good things come to those who wait…”. I want everything with my heart to get better over night. Now I get this statement from my doc, along with the other laundry list of orders I follow. If you follow this blog then you already know that patience is a virtue I struggle with. When I decide I want something, I want it now. The interesting thing is that this whole heart failure journey is slowly teaching me that the fast way isn’t always the best way. Sometimes its good to let things sit and marinate.

If anyone out there cooks then you know meat taste better when it’s had time to marinate. One of my favorite lamb recipes says you can marinate it for 2 hours. But it honestly taste better if you marinate it overnight. And if you especially want the meat nice and tender, then let it marinate for 2 days. The longer you marinate, the better the flavors infuse into the meat and tenderize it. Same holds true for my homemade salsa. Its always better the next day after all the ingredients have had time to really incorporate. Good things come to those who wait.

So…. what happens if you are the extremely impatient one in the equation? After a long time searching, you finally “think” you know what you want. What if it’s just not the right time? What if in the end it’s not the right answer you’ve been waiting for? How do you truly know? I keep being told to sit still and listen. To be patient. And at least over the last month I have. (My way wasn’t working, so I decided to give the patience route a go at it). From doing this, so much has come to light with me, so much has come to the forefront that I never considered before. So… obviously now it has my mind spinning in a million different directions. But as its spinning, there is at least one clear path I see. A path that was completely hidden from my sight before.  But it’s a path that I don’t 100% feel if I am ready to walk down. I could wait….. and see…… If good things really do come to those who wait…..

But what if I am waiting on the wrong path? At what point do you let go and accept that this isn’t the way God intended your life to be? How do you know? And in the meantime…. are you passing up what could be right in front of you?

Good things come to those who wait. I just don’t know how long I should let this one marinate????

With this blog I have made the commitment to post the good, the bad and the ugly going on in my life. The same is true with the comments people leave on here. While I moderate all comments that are left, I welcome people to disagree or challenge my thoughts and perspectives, especially if you strongly feel otherwise. But if you want your comments posted for the rest of the world to read, then clean up your language and have a little respect for my other readers. This isn’t just a blog written in outerspace – I have family members, doctors and collegues that follow this site, people of all ages. And the comment I received on “So You Think You Can Dance” was so too filthy and vulgar to even approve.  I acknowledge the fact that you very clearly don’t like my blog, and that’s fine. Well, newsflash – if you hate it that much, stop reading it! If you want to find a more PG-rated version to express your hateful views then you’ll get your comment posted. If not, go find another blog to harrass. This is not the place.

Oh, and PS – don’t think I didn’t catch the “crunk”. I am far from being naive, stupid or predictable. Don’t underestimate.

Your centerstage, it’s the audtion of your life. If you can make it to the Top 20, your on the national tv show and destined for stardom. But not everyone gets thru so easily. A select few get the ticket to Las Vegas immediately, and others have to come back for choreography to see if they can hack it. Once in Vegas, a week of grueling routines to push your body to the limits and test your true capabilities as an artist. You have pulled out every trick in the book, every move you have ever known to show you are one of the best to show that yes, you CAN dance. And now you are being told, “You must dance for your life”. Here is the moment you will literally dance for your life.

I feel like that is how MS and HF (heart failure) have been inside of me lately. It’s been this dance-off to see who is better to capture the title. Who is strong enough, has enough talent to make thru to the next round. They are going back and forth, each time one showcasing a move the other has never seen before. A move unique enough to get them that round’s vote.

I can just see the judges comments now…. MS, you have the pop and lock down solid. Your hip hop is a step above the best – your lines are crisp! HF – your contempary is par none, such fluidity in your movement. You are definitely in your element! But can you bring some character to the competition? You have the training, how flexible are you with different genres? It’s now time to dance for your lives….

If I am giving my vote, right now it goes to MS. I have to say MS truly brought to the forefront a new move that none of us had ever seen. The way you twisted that spinal seizure to lock my neck in place against my shoulder was priceless. And yet, while you had it locked, not once did you ever stop the continual movement of spasms down my lower back showcasing the power in my abs. It was the best reverse snake if I’ve ever seen one. Yes, you get the ticket to continue to the next round.

But wait…. what’s this??? HF isn’t done just yet? If you want to win this competition you have to bring a little some’em-some’em that is unique, different, fiery, ferocioius! You have got to bring it!

Well, as Nigel would say, Que the Music! Stay tuned to see how this dance off plays out…..

And, Que Music!

I had the most peaceful sleep the other night. And this is quite unusual for me, I normally don’t have restful sleep. I can remember every second of the dream I had, something else that is quite unusual – normally only remember a snippet here or there of dreams, and more often than not only when they are bad. But this dream was so different. If someone had been videotaping me I know I was smiling in my sleep.

Some people think dreams are an insight into your soul. Some think they foreshadow the future. I think that maybe they are a key to unlocking thoughts and feelings that are trapped in your subconsciousness. A place that we seem to push things on the back burner and other things that we want to bury so deep we never have to see, hear or feel them again. I will admit I have a lot of junk stashed in this closet. And a good amount of it has something somewhere to do with hurting my heart (emotionally).

If you follow me on facebook then you saw a status update not too long ago: “Lindsey is taking a chance on something…”. One friend responded that life is boring without chances. Very true. But this is where the scary part for me comes in – my heart was completely, utterly and totally shattered after my divorce, past the point of repair I had thought. As I slowly tried to put the pieces back together, and slowly allowed my heart to have any feeling what-so-ever, anyone who remotely hurt it got cut off, cut out. Especially after my hospital visit in December. At that point my heart was medically and emotionally broken. As a mom does to protect her child, I went into serious defense mode. You can’t live without your heart, I was going to do anything I could to protect it.

You may be wondering why I am even talking talking about this – I said I wouldn’t talk about my divorce. And I still won’t talk about the details behind it. But I haven’t been doing you guys any justice by steering away from a big part of this website – me finding my way back after a broken heart. Maybe I have been avoiding it because I am hoping that magically it would just put itself back together. Maybe I have been avoiding it because in every situation it takes two to tango, and I haven’t been ready to look myself in the mirror and see my faults with each situation. (side note: except for the situation with architect, go back and read that blog. That one was NOT my fault!) The crazy thing is, I have let you guys miss out on a lot of good and hilarious experiences, and there have also been some extremely hurtful ones as well. All part of finding your way, right? All a part of this journey….

So….this dream I had. Was it trying to tell me that I had made a huge mistake for cutting someone out of my life that I had loved? That I was wrong for not letting them back in when they messed up or made a mistake, because God knows I make them all the time, and my friends still love and accept me. Was it because I was scared, this is one person I truly believed wouldn’t hurt me. And when they did I had no idea how to respond, except to go into defense mode. (right now I am envisioning myself decked out in an army camouflaged suit, with an AK-47 standing on top of a tanker….) And he would probably agree that is about the position I took with him.

Now that I have unplugged from things, I really have a different perspective on matters of the heart. So.. I took a chance and reached out to him. All I know is he will at least talk to me. If this means we will both allow each other back in our lives to build back up a friendship or more, I don’t know. If this means this is just the opportunity to get closure on what was a 17 year chapter in our lives and say goodbye, I don’t know.

I don’t know what will happen. But I do know this – either way, whether its hello again or goodbye, this is something my heart needs to move to the next step.

I’m sure everyone has been told at some point in their life that you have to pick and chose your battles. Especially if you’re a parent (I’ve heard…). While I’m not a parent, I’m somewhat in the same boat. I’m having to very carefully pick and chose my battles. Is it more important for me to enjoy that Big Mac or be able to breathe tonight when I lay down to go sleep? You may think this one is an easy decision, but when you are deprived certain foods, it gets hard. As symptoms for both my heart failure and MS progress, its coming to a pivotal point where I will have to pick which battle to fight. Since it seems I can’t truly fight both right now without doing fatal damage to my heart??? So what is more important to me – the ability to walk without problems everyday or my heart’s functionality? I know many may look at that question and think the answer is so easy – stop being vain Lindsey! But truthfully, its not so easy….

I can see in my mind exactly where I want to be, but there is a big voice from my doctor telling me I will probably never get there. When I close my eyes, I am back in my dance studio. Every song I hear on the radio I can choregraph in my mind how I would work the floor, rock the pole. Feel the music embrace every fiber of my soul and let it translate on the dance floor. So is it more important for me to be that dancer I know in my heart I can be, or is it more important for me to be alive? (because my heart is too weak to take that type of adrenaline to it, cadiac arrest!)

I love taking chances, taking risks. There was a big one I took last year that about gave my mom a heart attack – skydiving. And can I tell you its addicting (just like tattoos!!) I can close my eyes and feel the powerful rush of the air as I sore thru it at 150mph. I can sense the intense, peaceful and crazy sensation that permeates thru your body while you have a view of the world few ever get. And for me, its the one time that I can give true meaning to the saying “walking maybe difficult but together we fly”. I can fly….. So is more important to me to fly or is more important to me to keep my heart intact (as I’m told this could make it possibly explode…)?

Now, maybe you can somewhat start to see why it may not be so easy for me to pick and chose my battles. I know that goodbyes are a second chance. And it may just be time for me to start crafting some new dreams for my life, but I’m just not yet ready to let go of the old ones and say goodbye. My life over the last 15 years has been a constant uphill battle. And until 2008, I never lost.  To be honest, I still don’t know if I am losing some of my battles or if I am just being too stubborn to see the real win before me because its not the one I envisioned???

I will tell you the biggest battle I have to compete with is patience. If I can endure the long run, wait it out, sit still and listen then I may not have to give up on my dreams…..
If you are a parent of a little girl right now, I’m sure you are sick and tired of the name Miley Cyrus. I will admit that Hannah Montana gets on my nerves a little. But I have to give this girl credit, she has one of the best songs out on the radio right now. And as much as I love to write, I couldn’t have put into words any better the struggle I have been facing. “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb.” How incredibly true. Maybe one of these days I will truly believe that its not all important what’s on the other side, because again – I’m not quite ready to let go of the dreams I have. In the meantime, it would be nice if I could get a little help with the climb……

The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

A week ago I got the opportunity to go to the Brave’s game with my nieces and some of their friends. We had a blast. If you haven’t tailgated before one of the games then you must add that to your “to-do” list. All you need is a cooler of beer, and little charcoal grill, some hotdogs/hamburgers and people ready to have fun! And let me tell you – we had enough food to feed an army and we had a blast!!!

But what was so amazing about this game wasn’t just the incredibly fun time I had, it was this precious lesson I saw my niece teach everyone there when no one was really looking. Anyone living in Atlanta knows that we have no shortage of homeless people in this city.  And events like the Brave’s game brings them out of the woodworks. Well, my niece invited a few of them over to our tailgate and offered them any food we had – hotdogs, hamburgers, sausage, corn, chips.. anything. She invited them over when others were so rudely turning them away. And in return, they danced with us. One man’s name was Koogi. He kept saying, “I may live in a dumpster under the bridge, but I look like I just walked off 5th Ave.” And he did! He had more class than some of the suits I used to work with. The other gentleman kept giving us all of this great worldly advice: look up in the sky and see the other stars twinkling to know you are never alone. And as Santana sings – “We danced on into the night”!!

What an incredible gift to observe from my niece. A younger generation that is normally tagged by society as being greedy and selfish, and even mean. But there was none of that last Tuesday night. It was all about when you have an abundance – then give. Its not always about the activities you do, its about the company you keep. Jess – I am very proud of you for the example you set when no one else was looking. Pay it forward!