Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

I had the most peaceful sleep the other night. And this is quite unusual for me, I normally don’t have restful sleep. I can remember every second of the dream I had, something else that is quite unusual – normally only remember a snippet here or there of dreams, and more often than not only when they are bad. But this dream was so different. If someone had been videotaping me I know I was smiling in my sleep.

Some people think dreams are an insight into your soul. Some think they foreshadow the future. I think that maybe they are a key to unlocking thoughts and feelings that are trapped in your subconsciousness. A place that we seem to push things on the back burner and other things that we want to bury so deep we never have to see, hear or feel them again. I will admit I have a lot of junk stashed in this closet. And a good amount of it has something somewhere to do with hurting my heart (emotionally).

If you follow me on facebook then you saw a status update not too long ago: “Lindsey is taking a chance on something…”. One friend responded that life is boring without chances. Very true. But this is where the scary part for me comes in – my heart was completely, utterly and totally shattered after my divorce, past the point of repair I had thought. As I slowly tried to put the pieces back together, and slowly allowed my heart to have any feeling what-so-ever, anyone who remotely hurt it got cut off, cut out. Especially after my hospital visit in December. At that point my heart was medically and emotionally broken. As a mom does to protect her child, I went into serious defense mode. You can’t live without your heart, I was going to do anything I could to protect it.

You may be wondering why I am even talking talking about this – I said I wouldn’t talk about my divorce. And I still won’t talk about the details behind it. But I haven’t been doing you guys any justice by steering away from a big part of this website – me finding my way back after a broken heart. Maybe I have been avoiding it because I am hoping that magically it would just put itself back together. Maybe I have been avoiding it because in every situation it takes two to tango, and I haven’t been ready to look myself in the mirror and see my faults with each situation. (side note: except for the situation with architect, go back and read that blog. That one was NOT my fault!) The crazy thing is, I have let you guys miss out on a lot of good and hilarious experiences, and there have also been some extremely hurtful ones as well. All part of finding your way, right? All a part of this journey….

So….this dream I had. Was it trying to tell me that I had made a huge mistake for cutting someone out of my life that I had loved? That I was wrong for not letting them back in when they messed up or made a mistake, because God knows I make them all the time, and my friends still love and accept me. Was it because I was scared, this is one person I truly believed wouldn’t hurt me. And when they did I had no idea how to respond, except to go into defense mode. (right now I am envisioning myself decked out in an army camouflaged suit, with an AK-47 standing on top of a tanker….) And he would probably agree that is about the position I took with him.

Now that I have unplugged from things, I really have a different perspective on matters of the heart. So.. I took a chance and reached out to him. All I know is he will at least talk to me. If this means we will both allow each other back in our lives to build back up a friendship or more, I don’t know. If this means this is just the opportunity to get closure on what was a 17 year chapter in our lives and say goodbye, I don’t know.

I don’t know what will happen. But I do know this – either way, whether its hello again or goodbye, this is something my heart needs to move to the next step.

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