“You can’t be me, I’m a Rockstar. I’m riding on the top of a cop car.”  Well, actually I’m hooked up to an IV right now in the infusion center. I’m listening to N.E.R.D., but I do feel like a rockstar right now. I should be mad and frustrated because my MS has been going haywire. One day it’s my heart, next MS, then my heart again, then employment shit, then this or that. Naaahhhh…. this IV is a good thing. I think this is going to be a turning point.

Wait, what’s that sound…. “its my heart beat, it’s getting much louder, my heart beat… it’s stronger than ever. I’m feeling so alive…” (A Twist in My Story, Secondhand Serenade). Sorry, I can’t help it that I have some really good music on my ipod…..

The funny thing is my heart actually isn’t stronger than ever right now and that’s okay. That song goes on to say “it’s time I opened up & let your love flow thru me”. And that’s what I have done since unplugging. I was so mad at everything going on with my health and how it effected every aspect of my life that I wouldn’t open up and let anyone’s love flow thru me – not my parent’s, not my friends’, and worse of all, not even God’s. Sometimes you just have to let others fight the fight for you. As much as the martial artist in me wants to get on that mat and open up a big can of whoop ass on reality, I’m just not physically strong enough to do that right now. And that’s okay. ROCKSTAR!
And just in case you might be thinking along the wrong train of thought, HELL NO this doesn’t make me weak. Continuing to beat myself up, continuing to push my heart past exhaustion, continuing to try and fix MS on my own, continuing to think I have to carry the entire weight of the world on my shoulders – that makes me weak. (Besides, “technically” it’s Obama’s job to carry the weight of world on his shoulders…)

It has taken me 6 months to get to this point. A place my cardiologist has fought tooth and nail with me on. He will be ever so pleased when he gets back from China!! I finally just unplugged. Just pulled the cord out of the wall to stop the electric current of craziness to my brain. So, for anyone out there thinking I’ve given up – think again! I’m simply sitting on the bench and sending in my back-up players: my doctors, my medicine, my family & friends, GOD to do the fighting for me so I can sit still and rest. And when my body is strong enough then I’ll get back on the matt. Every quaterback has a back-up, every baseball team has multiple pitchers. The same goes for me. It’s time for me to sit a few games (or in my case, fights) out. Ironically, I had warned reality that when you mess with me, you mess with my whole family. Betcha didn’t think I’d actually pull out a whole army on ya, huh?? There is one of you, there’s a lot more on my side. We’ll see who taps out first now! Ha!! How’s that for strategy! ROCKSTAR!

One thing I would like you to understand is that with the addition of heart failure, my power had been compromised and I needed to feel strong again. Hence, I did what I knew how to do best, I fought. I fought like hell. Strength somes from more places than just your physical muscles. With MS I always used to say it didn’t matter if it took away my legs, it would never take my mind and your brain is the strongest muscle in your body. So as long as I could use that, I could fight. About damn time I started using it, huh???

So… to answer the question that I know is burning in your mind – No, you still can’t be me, I’m a ROCKSTAR!!

One Response to “RockStar”

  1. cathy bowyer Says:

    Great Blog Rockstar!!!! I love you

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