Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

What We Have Here is Failure to Communicate

October 8, 2009

As I am writing this it’s killing me that I can’t think of what movie/song that is from. Guns’N’Roses I think……. Ugh! I just felt it captured the kind of day/week I’ve been having. Why is so hard for us to just say how we feel, or what it is we are feeling? Why do we have to sugar coat things, or dance around the issues? Have our relationships become so casual that we don’t have the kind of ties that allow you to speak freely to one another?

Now let’s go to the other end of the spectrum. What about those people who just don’t know the right way to tell you how they feel or the point they want to get across? So instead of being comforting or motivational or even the reality check you may need, they come across as mean and hateful. Hence their words are lost forever in the abyss of “I’m not listening”.

Part of what I think makes it difficult for us to communicate is the baggage we carry around from past relationships – whether intimate or family or friendship. People don’t want to get hurt again, god knows I don’t. One of my good friends and I were talking about what some of our baggage is that makes it difficult for us in relationships. Like for example someone who has been cheated on may have trust issues. As we went through analyzing the life of relationships that is Lindsey we came across a big suitcase I’ve been toting around and hadn’t really considered it before. Evidentially I have confidence issues in people’s feelings for me – again whether they are intimate or personal or just friendship. See one day I was happily married living my life and the next day I was getting a divorce. (Ok – wasn’t quite that trivial, but you get the point none-the-less). And on the friendship side, I have given and given until there was nothing left for me to give, only to end up empty handed; without even the friend there anymore. So my baggage, my luggage is that I need to know where I stand in relationships. I don’t assume anything. I won’t assume you like me, or love me or want to date me. I won’t “read between the lines”. I won’t pick up on insinuations or subtle hints. Those are all blocked out of my psyche or emotional radar.

I say all of this because sometimes we just need to tell people how we feel. If you love, tell them. If you want to be a better friend, then do it. If you want to be the emotional support for someone, then plant a root and let your tree grow. If you think someone is doing a good job, let them know – they may do an even better job. If you think someone is spectacular, then let them know it. Especially in today’s world where everyone is either losing their job, their house, their spouse or their confidence; we could all use a friend.

Don’t let another day go by without telling those you love that you love them. You just never know when someone’s life is going to get cut short, or when this may be the last time you get to say goodbye.

Ponderings of a Sleep Deprived, Heavily Medicated Lunatic

October 5, 2009

After 48-hours of very little sleep, back to back seizures and some pretty heavy medications….. a few thoughts ran across my mind…. WARNING: The following is written off of very little sleep and lots of muscle relaxers!

– Why do I always forget to buy toothpaste when I’m grocery shopping? Even though every time I put it on the stupid list, I still forget it….. And it forces me to make another trip to the store! Ugh!
– Why do we say “sticks & stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me”? When in fact they hurt like hell…
– Has anyone ever really challenged a fast food restaurant that says your meal is for free if they fail to give you a reciept?
– Is Krystal truly better at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night of heavy drinking?
– Why do we hurt the ones we love the most first and push them away?
– When the low fuel light on my gas tank blinks, how many miles do I really have left?
– Why can’t people in Atlanta drive?
– Does Chick-fil-A reuse left over chicken nuggets for the next morning’s chicken-mini’s they serve for breakfast? Don’t get me wrong here, I think it was genius finding a way to let me have chicken nuggets for breakfast, but just wondering….
– Is everything really just black and white, or can we healthily & happily live in shades of gray?
– Can you name one soap opera star that has truly died on a show and never returned from the dead?
– Why can’t the pharmacy assistant at the Walgreen I get my prescriptions filled ever smile? Or say anything nice? She really wants to make your prescription re-fill experience as miserable as possible.
– On Days of our Lives, how many times can Bo and Hope marry, divorce, marry, separate, re-marry and think this really is “forever”?
– Why does every celebrity couple out there think they need a reality show? Do they honestly think we give a damn about their live???
– Why is Watershed the ONLY place I will eat a pimento cheese sandwich (unless I make it myself because I have his recipe)? Other places can say they use the same exact recipe and I don’t trust it……..
– When will the world realize that tuna in a can is not real fish??????
– Why do people think that yelling their argument/point is going to make the other party hear it any better?
– Why is it so hard to say I’m sorry when you truly are, and truly mean it?
– And when someone does say their sorry, why is it sometimes so hard to forgive and forget?
– When I’m at the MS Center, why does everyone automatically assume people want to tell their life stories with the disease? Sometimes we just want to get our IV’s, listen to our iPods and move on…..
– Why does every Mayor in Atlanta promise to fix all the pot holes, yet nothing has been done?
– Is there truly an end date in site somewhere in this century to the road work being done on I-75?
– Be honest, can you really tell the difference between Ragu and Prego spaghetti sauce?
– It takes about 2 seconds from when the traffic light turns green for me to release my foot off the brake and hit the gas. Why is this never fast enough for the guy behind me?
– What are those ladies really saying about you at the nail salon as they give you a pedicure??
– Is breakfast really better when eaten for dinner?
– What in the world is it in Paula Deen’s Chicken Pot Pie that makes it so damn good?
– Do all actresses use fake eye lashes, or are some people naturally born with thicker eye lashes?
– Why do I always grow my hair out in the summer when it’s hot and cut it in the winter when it’s cold???
– Why is it that Jack Daniels has 0mg of sodium but it not good for your heart, yet red wine has 35 mg of sodium and is supposed to be good for your heart???

– If he really does love her, why won’t he just tell her???????????? Maybe she needs to hear it……

Realizations

September 23, 2009

Sometimes I think reality has to slap us in the face to get us to wake up. Sometimes God brings people into your life to help get you through a situation or help guide you down the path you need to go. Sometimes He puts people in our lives that challenge us to be better people. In every experience you have, with every person that enters your life – whether good or bad; you have the opportunity to learn, to grow and to be an example.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is born.” I have always said you should be careful how you treat people because you never know the demons they are facing. Some demons are bigger than others, but they all haunt you none-the-less. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own little worlds that we feel maybe crumbling apart at any minute. Or locking ourselves into that safety deposit box we conceal ourselves in from the true outside world. It’s easy to forget that there are people who are facing bigger battles than we could ever possibly imagine.

It is often safer to wrap our arms around those material things we feel can give us comfort. Or take that drink, snort, shot or puff of magical essence to take the pain away instead of turning to the one that can heal you with His touch, with His word.

2 Corinthians 4:18: So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that each and every one of us are here for a purpose. It is our duty to honor that. It is our responsibility to be an example of His love and grace. Lately I have been wallowing in some self-pity. I’ve been heartbroken over a friend whose poor judgements forced me to make some tough decisions that I didn’t feel were fair. I’ve been disappointed over a friend’s unwillingness to stand up and do the right thing. I’ve been frustrated at myself for so easily passing judgements in these situations. I’ve been sad because some long, deep friendships have been dramatically hurt and I don’t know if the damage can be repaired. I’ve been consumed with secrets that are not mine to know, keep or share. I’ve been scared to reach out and grab that hand that is offering me a second chance I thought would or could never come along. I’ve been haunted by ghosts in my life. I’ve been frustrated over the lack of progress in certain areas. I have been angrily plowing my way down a path of self destruction to blow up my heart. And for what??? Because I’m bored, because I’m sad, because my feelings got hurt, because I’m scared, because I’m confused and frustrated?

NO. Because I lost focus of what is the center of my life – God. Because I stopped trusting in His plan and in His way to get me where I need to go. Because I stopped listening to His words, His advice. Because I stopped confiding myself in Him and sought other methods to ease the pain.

Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.

Sometimes we just need a wake-up call, a slap in the face from reality to make us snap back into the world of the living. Today I got that. A friend posted a link to a blog about a couple and their struggles. He had the opportunity to meet them when they were in Hawaii. He asked all of us to read this blog, that it would challenge you. And he was right. It not only challenged me, it brought me to my knees. It was my wake up call that there are bigger demons out there people are facing and bigger battles people are fighting than what is the little life of Lindsey. But more importantly, it was such an awesome example of the peace you can find in the Lord when put face to face with death himself.

This blog is the story of Sara and Brad, their fight against her breast cancer, the surprised bundle of joy – Chloe that entered their lives unexpectedly, the example of how truly trusting in the Lord can give you the armour needed to fight any battle thrown your way. Their story is a beautiful love story and an incredible witness of God’s glory. Yesterday, Sara lost her battle here on earth with cancer.

I encourage you to please take the time to read through their blog, as Chris promised – it will challenge you. –> http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com/

In the blog, Brad (Sara’s husband) says “sometimes Jesus calms the storm and sometimes He calms the child.” There has literally been a massive storm brewing in Atlanta. Not only physically outside with all the flooding  and devastation our town has experience, but a storm brewing inside my soul. Right now, He is calming both in me – the child and the storm.

Audrey Hepburn said, “To measure the man, measure his heart.” It was inspiring to read about both Sara and Brad’s hearts. It was the wake-up call I needed. As I continue trudging down my road to recovery my prayer is that my heart will only grow stronger in the Lord, as it grows stronger medically. And when the day comes that I have reached the end of my road, my prayer is that you will be able to measure me by my heart and see through the example I lead of the mercy, glory and love that is God’s grace. In the meantime, I just pray that God will calm this storm.

Don’t wait to take your second chance – grab with both hands and hold on tight. Don’t think it is ever too late to do the right thing, to make things right. We only have this one life. The good man never said life would be easy, only that it would be worth it. Make your life worth it!

Haunted Halo??

September 15, 2009

I don’t remember what famous person said this, but someone said there is no remedy for love but to love more. Does your heart truly have the capacity to love again once it’s been shattered into a million little pieces? Even though over time wounds begin to heal and you slowly start putting the pieces of your heart back together – how do you know it’s okay to love again, to feel? How do you know it’s ready? How do you get rid of the ghosts that seem to haunt your heart?

“Remember those walls I built, well baby they’re coming down..
And they didn’t put a fight, they didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now”
  (Beyonce: Halo)

How can one person have such an effect on you – without even hearing their voice or seeing their face. It’s like Mr.Sandman. He slips into your dreams at night – at the time your are the most defenseless. At a time he knows you can’t fight him off. At a time when you can’t run and hide your heart.

Do you believe in fantasies? Is it stupid to believe in them? Is it careless to think I want to put my heart back out there again, as haunted as it may be…. back out on the chopping block? Does it even have to be that way? Is it possible for the ghosts to go away and trust that your heart can feel again? And why does this sandman slip in and out of my thoughts when I least expect it?

No one has been able to penetrate this shield I have put up around my heart. Maybe that’s what’s so intriguing to me – I’m fascinated over what entity has the magic to make my guard disappear. To make my heart not scared to take a chance again. I’m captivated by the sandman that for one moment can put my ghosts to rest.

Once I let these floodgates open, it was smothering the effect that took place. Relationships I thought were lost forever began to heal, memories that had burned for so long were extinguished with the words “I’m sorry…..”.

Somewhere in the space between “no” and “yes” is this sea of mystery and intrigue that Mr.Sandman keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into. If dreams really are the insight into your soul, then what is it that Mr.Sandman is trying to tell me? So… I guess the real question is how do I play this chess game? Do I take that chance and move my knight into place, or do I wait for Mr.Sandman to finally show his face? There’s a part of me that wants to reach out and grab his hand, but then I wake up…. Could it be that Mr.Sandman is my angel, or will I forever have a haunted halo?????

I want my heart to be free, I don’t want it haunted anymore…..

Great Expectations

August 13, 2009

One of my all time favorite books in life is Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I first read the book when I was in high school, and guess I connected on so many levels with the story. Its a love story that fights so hard to only realize in the end that their love should be together.

Finn – ” What is it like to go thru life not feeling anything?”
Estella – “We are who we are.”

Everytime he looks at her, his heart breaks all over again. Yet he still has that expectation that the next time she will stay, she will return his love. As hard as he tries to forget her, she forges her foothold stronger on his heart. And everytime she leaves, he never knows when or if he will ever see her again; only that he can’t stop loving her. The crazy part is that while she toys with him, drives him mad, she loves him just as much.

Finn – “Anything that might be special in me is you.”

How powerful is that, how heart wrenching is that. You love someone so intensely they become a part of your soul. And he was even warned from the beginning that she would only break his heart.

Finn – “Lay your hand on my chest. Do you know what this is? It’s my heart, broken.”

No matter how hard they try to deny their feelings, and as much as the world keeps them apart, they were always meant to be together.
Maybe I’m just a sucker for a good love story…..
Maybe I feel like this story keeps playing out in my life in one fashion or another….
Maybe I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Finn, getting my heart broken and still loving him regardless….
Or maybe it’s because I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Estella, being the heartbreaker….

Or maybe it’s just the fact that in the end, I have the great expectation that my love story will have a happy ending too….

This story always reminds me of my favorite E.E. Cummings poem:
“92”
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear,  and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                                 i fear
no  fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beatuiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Liquid Confidence

August 11, 2009

We’ve all had it, we’ve all done it at one point or another in our lives – had that extra drink that gave you the courage to say things you wouldn’t have otherwise, or approach that one hottie at the bar to ask for their number. And how many stories have you heard of someone having a little too much to drink and doing the ever reliable “drunk dial” or “drunk text”? Why is it that sometimes we need that liquid boost to say things that should be so easy? Does the liquid confidence actually help you see things more clearly, or completely cloud your judgement? And why is that the Jack can’t filter what he should and shouldn’t give you the confidence for?

Last night I was reminded of so many things…. some of them thanks to my good ole trusty friend Mr. Jack Daniels!!

Letting go of your dreams is like a child letting go of a balloon. Taking a trip down memory lane was eye opening for me. Sort of helped me put somethings in perspective, of some dreams to hold onto with all my might and some dreams I just need to let go and float away off in the air, like that balloon. Some feelings I still haven’t found the courage to face, and others I maybe had a little too much courage to face! And some that just shouldn’t have been faced period. Ha, thanks Jack!!

Jack and I have been thru a lot over the last year. He’s been there thru a lot of hard times, and some good times too. There were some deep, hidden issues he helped bring to the forefront for me – whether I am ready to face them or not, and whether I like the answers or not. And some restless demons I wished he hadn’t stirred up.

I will say that me and Jack are re-negotiating this relationship we have. He needs to better understand what to give me the liquid confidence to face, and what things are better off floating away, like that balloon! Oh, and the headaches the next day really aren’t necessary!!