Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

I thought when God closed one door He was suppose to open another, or at least a window. And there is the saying “but sometimes the hallway is hell”. I’m stuck in the hallway right now. Every door is not only staying closed for me, they are being slammed in my face. And right now I feel like I am in the depths of hell. Is this what it feels like to be closterphobic? The hallway is getting smaller & smaller and its harder & harder to breathe… Or is this what it feels like to finally go crazy?

For me, the battle to control my mind is just as important as the fight against the attacks on my body. Its one never-ending battlefield. Anyone in the military knows of the meaning behind psychological warfare. Those of us battling diseases have that fight as well. It’s one of the mind, and one that creeps into the very depths of your heart. So I have one disease that creates lesions to grow on my brain and constantly attacks it. I have another disease that has sent my heart into failure and consistantly weakens it. Then add a layer on top of that with this psychological warfare. So, from a battle perspective, what do I have left? I’m not making excuses, I’m simply trying to figure out my strategy.

Einstein said the definition of crazy (or was it insanity…) was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Every warrior enters the battlefield with a strategy, even dating back to the Samuri warriors. And I guess for the first time in my life, I don’t know what mine is. That scares the shit out of me, from a fighting perspective, I’m leaving myself powerless and open for my enemy to strike a lethal blow….

The only thing I feel is remotely relevant is that it doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you are moving in the right direction. That is completely opposite of how I have lived my entire life, how I have ever fought any kind of battle. So… I’m trying to figure out my next move, my strategy. And for now, my mind is blank on what to do. I’m stuck in the hallway of hell.

Most people like visitors to stop by. Especially when they’re old, long lost friends you haven’t seen in years. One day when I was 20 I got a knock on my door from a visitor. Like most people, I assumed this visit would be temporary. 11 years later and he still hasn’t left. And no matter what I did to entice him to find another residence, he refused to budge. In fact, he would do small, annoying things everyday to remind me that he’s here, not paying rent, not going anywhere. Kinda like when you can’t get your roommate’s boyfriend to leave, and just to piss you off he leaves the toilet seat up. I guess some people just don’t know when they’ve overstayed their welcome. See, my little visitor, my permanent roommate touches everything I do from head to toe.

And if his never-ending presence wasn’t enough, he invited one of his friends to move in too. Yep – you guessed it – rent free, and completely uninvited with no intentions of moving out. And to make matters even worse, these two moochers have decided to get jealous over who gets to occupy more of my time and compete for my attention.

I know what you must be thinking….. get a back bone and put your foot down about kicking them out. Get control of your house – have a little order. Well, I’m open for suggestions. I can’t get these two guys to move out. I can’t even get them to pick up after themselves. They are constantly pulling stunts to sway my loyalty to the other side, and it’s not pretty. The sad thing is, as bad as I want to kick them out – I wouldn’t wish these two morons on my worst enemy. So in a way, I guess I’m stuck with them.

But I am open to any ideas, suggestions, or advice you may have…..
Maybe it would help to introduce you to my unwanted roommates: Multiple Sclerosis and Heart Failure. Any takers??

Dear DaddyFrank,

I can’t tell you how much I miss you. Right about now I could really use a steak from Calhoun’s with you. I really need to be saying this on one of our visits, but I don’t know the next time I will get back to Knoxville, hence I’m writing.

DaddyFrank, I really wanted to apologize. I finally get it, I finally understand. I am so sorry for all those times I nagged you about having another cocktail, watching what you ate, taking your blood sugar, and all of the rest of the things that I thought would make your health better. See, I was just being selfish. I wasn’t ready to let you go. I thought if you did all of those things just as the doctor ordered then you would be here for many more years. But for you it wasn’t about adding years, it was about being happy and enjoying the years you had left, not living miserably. I get that now. And I am so sorry, because all you wanted was for us to live happy with you and not think about the end consequences.

Now I am on the other side of the fence. And I want to live happy, but everywhere I turn I’m being told what I should be doing differently to add years to my life. Great, so I add some years to my life but I will have a miserable existance. DaddyFrank, I wish you knew how sorry I am. I should have raised my glass with you and toasted the time we had together instead of being scared of the time we would be apart. I am sorry for the nagging. I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry for thinking I knew what was better for your life than you did. Because in the end, others may not understand the decisions we make, but if they love us – they should respect them.

Now I know better. Now I realize the error of my ways. Now I endure the nagging, the constant criticism of how I live my life. I know its only because people love me and want to add years to my life. Even if it’s not years I want and even if it’s years that I will live a miserable existance.

And you just wanted the family to be happy and enjoy our time together with you. You knew first hand that life is too short to stay angry. A lesson that many in our family can’t seem to grasp. And unfortunately it took my heart going into failure for me to truly understand it. But now, I get. Now, I finally understand. And my prayer for our family is that we can all just put our differences aside, forgive what ever grievances there are and just be the family you and Granny created. Because life is short. And sadly, for some of us, our lives are shorter than others.

So now DaddyFrank, I raise my glass to you in the memories we had and the lessons you taught me. For what is this life worth if in the end you were too proud to say you were sorry when they were alive?? And what is this life worth if you can’t live it to the fullest??

Until we meet again,
With all my love and admiration,

Your grandaughter – Lindsey

I’ll start off by answering that question – Nope. But I sure did want to question that on Sunday. I haven’t really talked much about my dating life on here. But this one was too good not to. Oh trust me, on Sunday, I was so pissed I could punched a hole through the wall. I feel like maybe I need to give the men of Atlanta, or any other place that I may date a BIG piece of advice: It’s a pretty damn good idea to be OUT of a relationship before you try to start a new one.

So, lately I was seeing this guy…. we’ll call him Architect, as he was so adamantly known amongst my friends. I was really buying into this guy’s song and dance. I even got a candlelight dinner cooked for me (adhering to my sodium restrictions). And when I say candlelight – I mean every room in the house had candles, even the bathroom. The deck was lined with torches lit for us to eat dinner under the stars. Sounds romantic doesn’t it?? I thought so. I’m thinking things are going pretty well with this guy. My friends are even giving me a hard time about not just knocking down the guarded walls I put up and just going for it with him.

Okay, so now let me give the men of Atlanta, or any other place… yada yada another piece of advice: DON’T let the blonde hair on my head fool you for one minute. I’m not an idiot.

I get a call Saturday night as he is driving home from his ex-girlfriend’s house. Um, excuse me – WHAT?? Yeah, come to find out this ex-girlfriend is now his best friend. They dated for somewhere around 7 years, lived together… thought they were going to get married. Yeah, and you just walk away from that and go to being best friends. Oh – and on top of that, he see’s her at least 3x a week. But nooooo… there is nothing physical going on there, nothing but absolute friendship. I’m sorry, at what point in the game did you think I had the words “stupid” or “gullible” written across my forehead?? Hell, one of my best friends lives 5 minutes down the road from me and I don’t even get to see her hardly 3x a month. Are you kidding me?????

So… on Sunday, I go over to his house to talk about this. I personally wanted to see his face as he explained this load of bullshit to me. The sad thing is, I do think that he did like me, I do believe there was actually a connection. But I also believe that he truly believes the story he told me – that he is over her, that he is ready to move on, that she is nothing but his best friend. Now, don’t get me wrong – I do believe men and women can be best friends and nothing physical happen. I personally have several examples in my life of that. But this situation – give me a break if you think I’m buying that. Because if you honestly need to see your ex 3x a week (minimum) then sir that is not a “friendship” that is a “relationship” and you clearly are not over her or ready to move on. And please show me ONE woman out there who would actually allow this with the man she is dating. Hmm… NOT ME!

As I was driving back to Atlanta today (went to Tifton to visit my sister..) a song came on my ipod that had me laughing hysterically thinking of this situation. “You Love is a Lie” by Simple Plan:

“I can’t bite my tongue forever, while you try to play it cool
You can hide behind your stories, but don’t take me for a fool
You can tell me that there’s nobody else (But I feel it)
You can tell me that your home by yourself (But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know… I know you love is just a lie
It’s nothing but a lie
….. You’re nothing but a lie”

I feel that pretty much sums that story up, don’t ya think????

Now, without going into details, he got the picture loud and clear that there would be no future anything between us. And here is the ironic part, before if this would have happened, the door to dating would be slammed shut for me. My friends would get the call, “I’m officially off the dating market and will just enjoy being single…” This time, I’m going to do things a little differently. I’m not shutting that door like I would before. I’m not going to be “one of those girls” that says all men are jerks. Nahh… but this architect sure was.  You’re mistakes don’t define you, they only tell you who you’re not. And this life is the only one I get, so why not live it up to the fullest.

As messed up as Britney Spears has been, her latest song “Circus” says it perfect – “There are two type of guys out there. Ones that can hang with me and the ones that are scared. So Baby, I hope that you came prepared, I run a tight ship so beware.” We (meaning actually me) will stay open to dating, but I think we need to get a few things straight:

I have standards, and I won’t lower them for anyone.
I have certain expectations of how a woman, how I, will be treated.
I am strong-minded, strong-willed and very independant. (If you can’t handle that –> there’s the door)
I don’t put up with shit, and in return I don’t expect anyone to put up with mine.
I am NOT your typical blonde, do not underestimate me.

So back out into the dating world we go…. And guys, you can either hang with me or your scared. I’m actually looking forward to seeing how this one is going to pan out.

If you’ve been keeping up with me on facebook then you know I took a much needed vacation out to San Diego, hence my absence from my blog.

I recently came across a blog talking about how perfection is an illusion. The big point the blog was making was that life is not perfect. WOW – well thank you for your addition to literary society Sherlock Holmes! I have yet to meet anyone who wouldn’t agree with that.

Here is where I disagree with the this blog. It went on to say that everything does not always work out, life lessons are not always learned, lives are not always saved, love does not always prevail, there is a false sense of contentment and safety projected by the entertainment industry and there are sad, lonely and delusional people susceptible  to these false images of reality and life.  To me what is sad is that someone has reached a rock bottom to where they believe all of this garbage.

Everything does not always work out – no, it doesn’t always work out the way WE want it to. But our way isn’t always the right way. Often times we fail to see God’s plan in our life. We want one thing, but He has something else planned for us. Doesn’t mean our lives aren’t working out, there is just a different path He wants us to go down. And everytime His direction is the right direction.

Life lessons are not always learned. Nope, thats why we have the funny saying out there “If ignorance is bliss then why aren’t there more happy people”. There will always be people who just don’t get it and never will. So why beat your head against a brick wall trying to make them. Cut the dead weight out of your life. I know I did with several of my so-called friends who were doing nothing but bringing me down and my spirit feels so much lighter because of it.

Lives are not always saved. Well….. that is up to you. All you have to do is open your heart to Christ and accept Him as your Saviour and the rest is taken care of. Saved.

Love does not always prevail. Actually this one I strongly disagree on. Love does always prevail, but it may not be in the way you intended. You would think having been through a divorce that I would be cynical about love. I am extremely guarded now with my heart. But if love didn’t prevail, then there would be no way I could be friends with my ex-husband. If love didn’t prevail, then I wouldn’t be able to feel anything in my heart again. Love comes in all shapes and forms. Love can be a friendship, a family love, an intimate love, even love from a-far. I have always said you can’t help who you fall in love with, but just because you fell in love doesn’t mean that is what’s right for your life. And when you trust in God, His love does always prevail. Love is one thing you should never give up on. Its out there, if you will just allow it to find your heart.

To say you want your life to be perfect is being unrealistic. I also think it shows a life lacking fun, character, integrity and humanity. If that’s the life you want, then go search until your dying day. But I personally don’t want a life that is perfect. I guess first because I couldn’t tell you what perfection would be for me. But more so, because I want character, integrity and humanity in my life.

If you read the last blog, you know I am a little behind on updating this. Sorry. I think I needed a mental break. Last week was just the week from hell. I seriously was starting to question whether or not I would get my head above water to breathe. I’ve had this ongoing battle with reality and then this “other party” decided to step into the ring last week. The funny thing is, in Tae Kwon Do as you move up in the belts, you add more people that you learn to fight. In one sense, I should be prepared for this. But last week I was really getting hit with some low blows, to the point it really became personal.

So I left on Thursday to head up to the mountains and get away. My Dad has this philosophy that once you get up to the mountains you leave all the worries from the city in the city. I used to think it was all the bloody maries that made it so relaxing up there. Now I can’t drink them anymore. There really is something to my Dad’s philosophy. Just breathing the mountain air, hearing the rain on the tin roof, being away from the city and in nature – its just relaxing. Its hard to get angry at anything. And some close family friends came up to visit and we just had a blast! It was just what I needed. Then I headed over to Columbia to see Secondhand Sernade with Lee Ann. I LOVE that band (well, some might say I am obsessed with them…)!! On Sunday I woke up to a very strained voice… but still got to catch up with some friends from Columbia. Suz – I loved our lunch, and just catching up. And Drew, I could spend hours just laughing with you!! Then headed back to Atlanta to get caught up in traffic from the Masters. But by then my voice had completely gone, so I couldn’t yell at any of the bad drivers. The only downfall was that since Sunday was Easter, Groucho’s was closed. So another Columbia trip will be coming soon. Its been a decade since I’ve had the most incredible sandwhich in the world – an STP!!

I went to the doctor this morning, my voice is completely gone (laringitis) and I have a sinus infection. My head feels like it has been beat up with a baseball bat. (hmm… hopefully I don’t look like I feel…) So I’m supposed to be looking for a job and I have no voice to talk to anyone. WTF?????

The good thing is that I was still relaxed from my mountain/concert trip, even though I feel horrible. And I had the funniest conversation with my friend Kimmie on the phone today. It is amazing how much laughter can be a good medicine for the soul. I have to say, as much as she was laughing at me telling her the stories in my tiny voice, I was laughing at it too. And I got to catch up on text message with my nephew. Now I am writing this blog, watching re-runs of Golden Girls (we are almost done with Season 7, and I’m still laughing at the sound of me laughing – its really funny in this non-voice I have) and eating my favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Some say when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I say when life hits you in the face with a bat, eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream!!! Ha!!

So… last week was riftamous.

This weekend was really riftamous!

And this week will be riftamous!!!!!! (muah MA!!)

Here’s to going up from here in the most riftamous way!

I meant to post this blog last Thursday night  (keep that in mind when you read it), so I’m a little behind…..

Evidentally reality and others didn’t head my warning of what happens when I get pushed into a corner. I took the high road this week. I didn’t have to, but I did anyways. I had hoped that the same courtesy would be extended back to me, but it seems the other party decided they not only didn’t want to do the same, they also wanted to play as dirty as they could.  I took the higher road because that is the right thing to do. Because that is how I was raised. Because that is what God tells us to do. We don’t always have to be right or have the last word, but we do have to be the better person. But let me make sure one thing is clear, being the better person doesn’t mean I will just lay down and let you run over me.

With what is being thrown at me and what is currently on my plate, I wish a simple yoga class could make it all better. It may temporarily relax me, but it won’t make this go away and it won’t solve any of the problems I am being faced with.

I don’t know how much clearer I can be with reality and this “other party” – I’M NOT READY TO MAKE NICE! I’M NOT READY TO BACK DOWN! (And yes, I’m still mad as hell!) I am not being overly dramatic when I say this is seriously my life you are messing with, and I WILL NOT go away or go down without a fight. This is no longer business, now you made it very, very personal. And when you mess with my life, you not only have me to face, you have my entire family to deal with.
And may I add… I am not the only one in my family with martial arts training. On top of that, one of my nephews fought in Iraq and the other is a damn good shot when he hunts. The Bowyers is not a family you really want to mess with.

Dixie Chicks – “I’m Not Ready to Make Nice”
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

So, sadly I have been off my blog for the last week or so. And let me tell you – alot has happened. My little ongoing battle with reality has been fierce and right now, I think I would probably say reality is winning. I don’t know, we seem to be duking it out pretty well right now. I may be down, but I will tell you I’m not out! One of the reasons why I have been off the blog is because of health reasons.

Last week (or I guess two weeks ago), I was put back in the hospital. I had been having these spells where I was completely blacking out, and my seizures were coming back. I haven’t spoken too much about my MS. One of the big symptoms I have are spinal seizures.  Depending on how bad they get, they can put me in the hospital immediately because they will shut off my airways to breathe. We had them completely under control to where I didn’t need to take any medicine for them. And the little assholes had come back. What was scarier was that I was having seizure-like activity when I was blacking out. Anyways, both my cardiologist and my neurologist thought this was pretty serious and they put me back in the hospital to run more test (as if I hadn’t had enough of being the human pin cushion). We think we have things figured out….. to whatever extent we can. See at first I would have said reality really had me down until we got the test results back. My heart WAS getting stronger. The problem was that I couldn’t retain any sodium because my sodium levels were so low. And because of this, I couldn’t retain any fluid, hence I was severely dehydrated. Well, thats a good thing – its not just my heart going back into failure.  But please! I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Too little sodium (which I was having) and I start blacking out. Too much sodium and my heart over works and goes back into failure. There is truly no middle ground for me it feels. My doc put me on medicine to help me retain sodium so my heart meds can work. Now seriously?? How many stupid heart failure patients do you know with this problem. I followed my doctors orders too well. Good news is that he increased my sodium levels, so I can eat out more. And I guess more good news is that I have more control over my body than I originally thought. I just have to learn this new method. Yet ANOTHER change in my life. But score for Lindsey – I’m not down and out, as we thought I may be. Reality hit pretty hard, but I hit even harder back. As much as it didn’t want me to, I walked out of that hospital.

So, I get out of the hospital. Go back to work. Only to find out that they have eliminated my job and I get to join the other, oh… 50% of Georgians that are unemployed. Great. So, reality – it wasn’t enough to put my body through physical hell over the last three weeks was it?? It wasn’t enough to put me in the hospital again, because you know I hate that more than anything, was it?? It wasn’t enough that I have been fighting my ass off against the heart failure, you have to bring my MS back into picture, was it ( low blow)? Now you have hit way below the belt and taken away the one thing I am scared most of – my insurance. You have backed me into a corner and the only thing I know to do is come back out swinging like hell. When you are trained as a fighter, that is what is in your blood is to fight. So, if I am being fair here – a big score for reality.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this particular blog right now because I have had a few drinks tonight. Because I celebrated a wonderful new marriage for a friend tonight, to only be painfully reminded of the memories of mine that are long gone. (Again, another low blow reality)

So, I’ll do what Lindsey does best when I get pushed into a corner. I’ll come out swinging like hell, and reality you better hope to god you are no where near to get hit.

And for those people who think my personality is a little strong, intimidating for guys and…. scary. Well, thats just me. I tried lightening things up and it didn’t work. The second I let my guard down, reality came in to strike harder than ever. And it WON’T happen again. I don’t just mean on the physical side or the work side of my life, emotionally too. And for those people who think I am difficult. Hmm…. maybe I am. But walk a mile in my shoes and you wouldn’t be too easy yourself.  (and if you don’t understand that – read this entire blog from start to finish and maybe, just maybe you might start at the begininng of understanding.)

God tells us He won’t give us more than we can handle. And lately I keep trying to remind myself of that. And I love the saying that nothing comes to us without going through God’s hands first. But I will be honest that its getting harder and harder to believe and trust in that, although at the end of the day I won’t stop – I can’t stop. And God tells us that He has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. With everything coming at me, sometimes its hard not to be scared. Right now I just want a break. I don’t want to be handed life on a silver platter, I don’t expect anyone else to take care of me – I can handle that myself. I just want a break – one day to just breathe without getting hit on all sides like a mac truck.

So, reality – I don’t know where this leaves us other than I am still constantly in the ring battling you for my damn life. You may have me pinned down pretty well, but I will tell you I am one bitch you really don’t want to piss off. So like I said, I coming out swinging like hell and where it gets me we’ll see. I’ll either end back up on my feet or I’ll end up dead. And in true Lindsey fashion, this wouldn’t be a good blog without leaving you with a song that has been on my mind: Linkin Park’s “In the End”. The only thing I will add to it, is in the end for me – it does really matter.

In The End

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard

And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard

And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Today I had the honor of speaking at my cousin’s church in Alabama, to give my testimony. I thought I would share it also with you in my blogging world. I hope you enjoy!

My Testimony:

Hello, first I would like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell my story. I was very fortunate to be raised in a Christian home. I had that spiritual foundation of going to church, reading the Bible, saying my prayers at night, knowing who God is. But it wasn’t until I was in high school that I actually accepted Christ into my heart and became a Christian.

Music is a big part of my life, a big part of who I am. Its how I connect with the world, how I deal with emotions. There is a new song on the radio right now by The Fray called “You Found Me”. It starts off by saying, “I found God and the corner of 1^st and Amistad.” What I think is so significant about my story is not how I found God, but how God found me.

When I was 20 years old I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Like anyone at 20 I already knew everything there was to know about life and could take on the world. And that is exactly what I tried to do. I had my ups and downs with the MS, but I was a fighter and nothing was going to knock me down. Then my MS took a serious turn for the worst and we could no longer control the progression of the disease or my symptoms. And when I thought I was still strong enough to take on the world by myself, God found me lying in a hospital bed in Atlanta, GA in 2003 with my doctor telling me he didn’t know if I was ever going to walk again. And lying there, I arrogantly smiled at my doctor and told him “You just don’t know who you’re dealing with, I will walk again.” As The Fray’s song goes on to say, “Lost and insecure – You Found Me, You Found Me.” What God found was a lost, insecure and scared soul that didn’t know what to do or how to do it, a soul that still felt she could take on anything by herself. And He took my hand and gave me the strength and courage to make some decisions no 25-yr old should ever have to make. Through chemotherapy, a whole lot of prayers and God’s grace I am walking again.

When things are going bad in our lives, we always like to question why God is doing this, or where was He when this evil was going on. But when the roses smell sweet and life is perfect, we often times forget to thank God for His mercy and see His grace. At least I did. I had a great job, a wonderful husband and my life was just about perfect. And the more perfect my life became, the less I depended on God and the further I drifted from our relationship.

Continuing on with The Fray’s lyrics, they say, “Where were you, when everything was falling about?? Lying on the floor, Surround Me, Surround Me.”  The next time God found me it was April 2008, I was lying on the floor of a hotel room in North Carolina screaming out in pain for God to just be with me. See my marriage had fallen apart, I was getting a divorce and my entire life as I knew it was being flipped upside down. And the pain and fear of that was more than I could physically bear. What God found was a severely broken soul who needed Him more than any other time in her life. And He wrapped His arms around me, picked me back off the floor and kept telling me over and over, “I’m right here, I’m right here with you. You will not go through this alone.” And I didn’t. He stood right beside me every step of the way. And from that moment on I made the decision that I would never walk alone again.

Sometimes I believe God has to break us down to our weakest to build us up to be our strongest. And maybe that was part of His purpose with my divorce. Because little did I know what was right around the corner. See, the next time I needed Him – when my Mom was rushing me to the hospital because my heart went into failure, God didn’t have to find me. He was already right there. After my divorce I made the decision that this time I wasn’t going to let the Big Man go. And when the doctor looked at me and said, “I just don’t know what is going to happen with your heart. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get it strong enough to function like it did before”, there wasn’t an arrogant little girl responding, there was a strong, confident Christian who politely smiled back and said, “You don’t know who you’re dealing with. We will get my heart strong again.”

The Fray’s song ends in saying “In the end we all end up alone. Why’d you have to wait to find me?”. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, but I do know Who holds tomorrow. And I know I will never be alone in anything I face. In Isaiah 42, God says, “I will guide them along paths they have not known, I will make the darkness become light for them and the rough grounds smooth.” And true to His word, He has done that for me. So no matter how shattered my heart is emotionally, or how broken my heart is medically, my heart has never been stronger or more whole spiritually than it is now and will always be with Christ in my heart. I live with the reality that I may wake up tomorrow and my heart decides to take its last beat, but my heart will forever be alive in Christ.

God tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. And even when I turned my back on Him, He never left my side. He also tells us that He will never give us more than we can handle, and I take extreme comfort knowing that. So if I can ask you to take anything away from my story, it would be this. Don’t wait for God to find you, as the song says. Seek Him out in your everyday life.

Again, Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. And thank you God for what you have done in my life – I would not be standing here without you!

Hello everyone. Well as expected my last blog seemed to upset a few people. So I wanted to put out a few disclaimers. First, this blog is about me, not you. This is my avenue to let loose, to write, to vent, to pretty much do what I feel I need to do to keep sanity. So I hate to be rude, but if you don’t like what you are reading, then you have the choice to not read it. This website is not set up to attack anyone or hurt anyone. This is about my journey dealing with life.

Secondly, if I have offended anyone from Alabama with my blog, then I sincerely apologize. Again, last week was a tough week and I was simply venting. I truly meant no disrespect to the state or people who live in it. I have lived in South Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia and can personally atest to the fact that we have rednecks, slow drivers, cows, pastures and lots & lots of camouflauge as well.

Thanks.