Rounds 4, 5 & 6

So, sadly I have been off my blog for the last week or so. And let me tell you – alot has happened. My little ongoing battle with reality has been fierce and right now, I think I would probably say reality is winning. I don’t know, we seem to be duking it out pretty well right now. I may be down, but I will tell you I’m not out! One of the reasons why I have been off the blog is because of health reasons.

Last week (or I guess two weeks ago), I was put back in the hospital. I had been having these spells where I was completely blacking out, and my seizures were coming back. I haven’t spoken too much about my MS. One of the big symptoms I have are spinal seizures.  Depending on how bad they get, they can put me in the hospital immediately because they will shut off my airways to breathe. We had them completely under control to where I didn’t need to take any medicine for them. And the little assholes had come back. What was scarier was that I was having seizure-like activity when I was blacking out. Anyways, both my cardiologist and my neurologist thought this was pretty serious and they put me back in the hospital to run more test (as if I hadn’t had enough of being the human pin cushion). We think we have things figured out….. to whatever extent we can. See at first I would have said reality really had me down until we got the test results back. My heart WAS getting stronger. The problem was that I couldn’t retain any sodium because my sodium levels were so low. And because of this, I couldn’t retain any fluid, hence I was severely dehydrated. Well, thats a good thing – its not just my heart going back into failure.  But please! I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Too little sodium (which I was having) and I start blacking out. Too much sodium and my heart over works and goes back into failure. There is truly no middle ground for me it feels. My doc put me on medicine to help me retain sodium so my heart meds can work. Now seriously?? How many stupid heart failure patients do you know with this problem. I followed my doctors orders too well. Good news is that he increased my sodium levels, so I can eat out more. And I guess more good news is that I have more control over my body than I originally thought. I just have to learn this new method. Yet ANOTHER change in my life. But score for Lindsey – I’m not down and out, as we thought I may be. Reality hit pretty hard, but I hit even harder back. As much as it didn’t want me to, I walked out of that hospital.

So, I get out of the hospital. Go back to work. Only to find out that they have eliminated my job and I get to join the other, oh… 50% of Georgians that are unemployed. Great. So, reality – it wasn’t enough to put my body through physical hell over the last three weeks was it?? It wasn’t enough to put me in the hospital again, because you know I hate that more than anything, was it?? It wasn’t enough that I have been fighting my ass off against the heart failure, you have to bring my MS back into picture, was it ( low blow)? Now you have hit way below the belt and taken away the one thing I am scared most of – my insurance. You have backed me into a corner and the only thing I know to do is come back out swinging like hell. When you are trained as a fighter, that is what is in your blood is to fight. So, if I am being fair here – a big score for reality.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this particular blog right now because I have had a few drinks tonight. Because I celebrated a wonderful new marriage for a friend tonight, to only be painfully reminded of the memories of mine that are long gone. (Again, another low blow reality)

So, I’ll do what Lindsey does best when I get pushed into a corner. I’ll come out swinging like hell, and reality you better hope to god you are no where near to get hit.

And for those people who think my personality is a little strong, intimidating for guys and…. scary. Well, thats just me. I tried lightening things up and it didn’t work. The second I let my guard down, reality came in to strike harder than ever. And it WON’T happen again. I don’t just mean on the physical side or the work side of my life, emotionally too. And for those people who think I am difficult. Hmm…. maybe I am. But walk a mile in my shoes and you wouldn’t be too easy yourself.  (and if you don’t understand that – read this entire blog from start to finish and maybe, just maybe you might start at the begininng of understanding.)

God tells us He won’t give us more than we can handle. And lately I keep trying to remind myself of that. And I love the saying that nothing comes to us without going through God’s hands first. But I will be honest that its getting harder and harder to believe and trust in that, although at the end of the day I won’t stop – I can’t stop. And God tells us that He has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind. With everything coming at me, sometimes its hard not to be scared. Right now I just want a break. I don’t want to be handed life on a silver platter, I don’t expect anyone else to take care of me – I can handle that myself. I just want a break – one day to just breathe without getting hit on all sides like a mac truck.

So, reality – I don’t know where this leaves us other than I am still constantly in the ring battling you for my damn life. You may have me pinned down pretty well, but I will tell you I am one bitch you really don’t want to piss off. So like I said, I coming out swinging like hell and where it gets me we’ll see. I’ll either end back up on my feet or I’ll end up dead. And in true Lindsey fashion, this wouldn’t be a good blog without leaving you with a song that has been on my mind: Linkin Park’s “In the End”. The only thing I will add to it, is in the end for me – it does really matter.

In The End

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard

And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I
I tried so hard

And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

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One Response to “Rounds 4, 5 & 6”

  1. Wyndy Amerson Says:

    Hey, Lindsey.. Just a thought – maybe swinging like Hell ain’t working? Let it go. Maybe yoga? I know you get upset that life isn’t fair. You have these health issues. You have lost your job. You also have some incredible skills. Some incredible strengths. You are just a lovely, vibrant woman. You have so many friends. Find peace in the things you have rather than anger in the things you don’t. Take a deep breath. We want you to be happy and healthy. We are in your corner. Let me know how we can help you. If you have a moment, come take a walk with me. We look forward to seeing you at book club. It has been too long.

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