Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

So how did you like that knockout punch reality??? Did it hurt to feel the sting of my multiple blows to your head? Did you hear me smirking at you when you were too weak to get back up off the matt? You have done nothing but talk trash to me for the last 40-days. Well son, talk only gets you so far. Your mouth was writing checks your body couldn’t cash. And the funny thing is you little SOB – I even warned you. I told you my strategy on fighting – to learn your enemies weaknesses. And I have been studying you so closely. Like a lot of other people, you grossly underestimated me, my strength and my abilities. Now because I love an extra tough challenge, hear this warning – and you better take it to heart. Do not underestimate my abilities again or that could be a grave mistake you won’t ever recover from. I know that there will be another rematch. But for now, I have the HeavyWeight Kicking Heart Failure’s Ass Championship Title Belt, and I’d like to just see you try to take it back.

Everyday is a fight with that loser reality. Trying to make my heart slowing stop pumping blood thru it so I just die. Trying to make me so angry, frustrated and depressed that I will just give up. REALITY – when are you going to get the message that it won’t happen. Yes there will be days when I am angry as hell. Yes there will be days when I am so frustrated I want to pull my hair out. And yes there will be days when I get depressed over all of this and seriously wondering when I get my break. But those times are only temporary. (And for anyone out there reading this who has the balls to say “I’ve never been depressed a day in my life” – I’m flat out calling bull shit on you! Getting sad or depressed over a horrible situation doesn’t make you a looney-tune – it makes you human. Its how you decide to react to it that makes the difference.) I was raised to have a strong back bone, to be a fighter in mind, body and spirit, to never back down and to always give thanks to the One who gives me that capability – God. So for everyone out there praying for me – keep it up. But don’t pray for lighter burdens on me, pray for me to have a stronger back!

The only limits we have in life are the ones we put on ourselves. In the hospital my ejection fraction was 15%. I could barely breathe, I could barely move or function. I was like a zombie. It was a toss up as to what would happen. Every 33 seconds someone in the country dies of heart disease. 1 out 2 women will die of heart disease (guess you want to be paired up with me, huh???) The life expectacy for a woman under 70 diagnosed with heart failure is 8 years. My heart was weak, and well… we just didn’t know what was going to happen. I have been and will continue to read everything I can get my hands on about heart failure, nutrition, the effects diet has, and hollistic medicines that may help – anything…. As I said, everyday is a fight for me. If I can’t get my heart stronger than I might as well just die. Its not enough for me to just be breathing, I have to be able to live.

So today, on Day 40 of heart failure, I got the call from my cardiologist that my ejection fraction had improved from 15% to 35%!!!! Knockout Reality!! If I can keep it in the 30’s or higher that means I am no longer in the risk of needing a pace maker. And I may be able to get back to exercising faster than I thought. Even the doc’s office was surprised with how well my heart is responding. While I was completely escatic, jumping up and down and screaming… a part of me wasn’t as surprised. Because you see… “This not tournament Daniel-Son.” This isn’t about getting in the highest dance class level, it isn’t about getting a medal, or riding the fastest race. This is my heart, this is my life – this is me being able to live. As Buddha said, “Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.”

So reality – because I know this is just the beginning and there will be many more encounters to come, let me leave you with one last warning. This is from a man I have a great deal of respect for, was an incredible martial artists and one I have enjoyed studying his teachings:

“A fight is not won by one punch or kick. Either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard.”  ~Bruce Lee

REALITY – GO HIRE A BODYGUARD!!!

Just in case anyone is keeping count, we are on Day #38 of surviving heart failure! I saw my cardiologist yesterday and got some good news and bad news. Overall, it was good – I’m heading in the right direction. He felt I was doing extremely well for this short amount of time out of the hospital. And I got the “Best Dressed Patient” Award!! He, he! Well of course I’m going to look cute. So you know when I am back to styling and profiling and worried about my lipstick that I am feeling better. Sorry… I digress… So he said I was doing good, still not eating enough sodium, not drinking enough water, and that I obviously have still not figured out how to relax. Ha!! Oh…. and I need to slow down. If I slow down anymore than I already have, I will come to a complete stop! I feel like I’m only going 10 mph right now anyways. But as my Dad said, my 10mph is most people’s 80mph.

Now for the bad news: I’m still not released to go back to my exercise regiment. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is driving me crazy. I am ready to go for a long run, lift weights, go to dance class. He reminded me that he told me I had to not be myself for the next three months. And like I said before, patience is not a virtue God blessed me with. I have all this energy that has been dormant for the last month…. So I see him next month, we are re-running heart tests and based on how those look he may let me get on the treadmill there while hooked up to monitoring machines. If those results look promising then we’ll make some decisions about letting me start a cardio rehab with the heart clinic. Does that rehab include sky diving???

Don’t get me wrong… I’m excited that I am moving forward and not backwards. I’m just not moving at the pace I want to. But then my mind reverts back to that story of the tortoise and the hare. Remember who won the race????

Going through this really has given me a new appreciation on life, and makes me wonder how some people can go through life so blindly. LIke how can you just sit still when you hear the most incredible rock song? How can you not tap your foot, bounce in your seat, bob your head at a minimum…. or put on those stripper shoes and do your sexy walk around the room?? (SHOUT OUT to all my ladies at PoleLaTeaz – I MISS YA’LL SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!)

What’s sad is how many people live their lives like this. Not even enjoying the music. And while I would dance my ass off, I really was no better either. I was doing what most Americans are doing – whatever it takes just to get by. But not really truly enjoying life.

I didn’t die in December when my heart failed, but it sure as hell felt like I did. The essence of who I am was temporarily taken away from me. I say temporarily because I will get it back. You will see me soaring thru the air again, LemonDrop will rock Bon Jovi on the pole like something fierce, I’ll feel the wind brush thru my hair as I flly on my bike, and you’ll hear the blood, sweat & tears from when my trainer kicks my butt in the gym!

I thought my divorce was a second chance at life. No, it was a second chance at love. (I want to insert a sidenote here… I’ve made several comments referring to my divorce. While it was extremely painful, I loved my husband with all my heart. He was and still is a wonderful man whom I have a lot of respect for. And am proud I can call him my friend.) If I find love again in this life, that’s great. But its not at the top of my priority list anymore.

This is my second chance at life. I’m going to hold on to it as tightly as I can. If it changes me, I’m going to let it and truly enjoy EVERY beat of my heart. Because everytime it beats, I still have life. And that means I still have a chance to really live!

So… Mom, I know you are reading this. I’m sorry, but my second tattoo and the skydiving – that was just the beginning!!  And for anyone out and about in Atlanta tonight – watchout!! I’m in the mood to stir up a little trouble!

Since you all have figured out the music gives me life right now, I leave you with the song that inspired this blog, and captures where I am today!

“I look around to the plans that we made & the dreams we had
I’m in a world that tries to take them away
Ooohhh, but I’m taking them back!
Cuz all this time I was too blind to understand what should matter to me
My friend this life that we lead it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe

It’s Not My Time, I’m Not Going!
There’s a fear in me, it’s not showing
This could be the end of me and everything I know…
ohhh, But I Won’t Go!!

I Won’t Go Down!!”
Third Eye Blind: It’s Not My Time

After I got divorced a friend of mine recommened this book called “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser. It was such an inspirational book to me. It’s about a man who finds God’s grace through one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go thru – the loss of his wife, mother and child all in one car accident, and how the soul grows through loss. In the book he writes, “All people suffer loss. Being alive means suffering loss….. Living means changing, and change requires that we lose one thing before we gain something else.”  I am not trying to compare my situation to his in any means. His book, I feel, helped prepare me some for how to seek out God’s grace when you can’t possibly imagine it could be there. Because that is a question I have struggled with since being diagnosed with heart failure (well.. and let’s face it – since going through the entire year of 2008).

And when you least expect it, God will just tap you on the shoulder to remind you that He’s still there. And then when you’re not looking, you start to see the grace that’s disguised in your life.

For me, these are some of the graces that have brought me back to life over the last week (and given me back a little spunk…): being asked to have brunch with some incredible girls and share life experiences, kicking reality’s butt with travel this week, trying octopus for the first time, having a disagreement with someone and actually arguing profusely my point back (remember people, I’m supposed to be relaxing, resting my heart..), yelling at someone in traffic (I think only my close family will understand this one), laughing at macaroni noodles with no cheese and other memories, three tacos, the best trail mix this side of the Mississippi, and my favorite – Realizing the Twist in My Story!!

I connect so much in my life with music. Secondhand Serenade is one of my favorite bands. And their song, it just captured me this week, I was singing at the top of my lungs in my car, I was laughing hysterically at all these small graces, and some I didn’t even mention, that just made me smile, made me happy, made me feel alive.

“I’m longing for words to describe how I’m feeling, I’m feeling inspired
My world just flipped turned upside down, and turned around
Say what’s that sound?? It’s my heart-beat
This couldn’t be better, My heart-beat
It’s stronger than ever
I’m feeling so alive! I’m feeling so alive!

I’m finally waking up
A Twist in My Story!!”
– Secondhand Serenade: Twist in My Story

I have finally woken up!! So… stick around so you can see the twist in my story….

Why do people say the stupidest things? I feel like this should be Bill Cosby’s new show – didn’t he have one that was kids say the darnest things?? For years I have sat back and listened to people mock, laugh and make fun of me when my MS is acting up. “Oh… she’s had too much to drink.” “I know she has cerebral palsy.” “What happened to you, someone run over your foot or something?” “But you look so normal, there can’t be anything wrong with you.” Newsflash – there isn’t something wrong with me, there is something wrong with you! And with the MS, I’m used to it. (okay – I didn’t really just sit back all the time – I have some snappy little comebacks when I’m in the mood…) You can sit there and make fun of me all you want to when I have a relapse. But let me clue you in on something. Ignorance is FAR more debilitating than MS will ever be to me.

Now with this heart failure I’m having to deal with stupid comments all over again. First let me say how amazed I have been that people seem to think having congestive heart failure is like catching a little cold. Umm.. please enlighten me – please in your infinite wisdom tell me how my heart going into failure, my heart saying I can’t pump blood thru it, my heart potentially stoppping (which FYI means I’m dead)is remotely the same as having a cold or anything like it? Secondly, it appears that everyone has slept at a Holiday Inn last night and woke up medical doctors today. If you have great low sodium recipes, please pass them on all day long. But if you have never been to medical school, have never known anyone with heart disease, have never had to deal with heart disease – then do not insult me by telling me how to treat my heart failure. And for those people who seriously are not medical doctors, do not for one second think that you know more than my cardiologist who specializes in heart failure or my neurologist who specializes in MS.

And for the love of God – stop asking me if I am “back to normal”? Am I no longer a normal person just because my organs don’t work the same way as yours? Does this make me some type of lepar in society? Its perfectly fine to ask me how my day was, how am I feeling, am I getting any stronger, how’s the low sodium diet going, are you getting more comfortable with the new life style. Genuine questions that people ask me about how I am and how my health is, thats okay. I don’t want to scare anyone off from checking in on me. I just wish sometimes people would think twice before they make comments to you.

It’s okay to not know the right thing to say. Hell, I don’t even know the right things to say to myself some days. Its okay to be scared about this. Trust me, I am. Its okay to not know what causes this and ask questions about that. I’m still learning and will continue learning about heart disease and MS.

I guess today I just hit my limit with stupidity.

How is everyone doing out there???? Good I hope. I will say I am much better now after having a great dinner with my good old friend Suzie and catching up. I haven’t seen her in 10 years, and let me tell you- – we had A LOT to talk about!! Craziness. But last night I wasn’t doing all that great. Actually, I was down right pissed off. And had I been allowed to, I could have really put a serious hurting on a punching bag.

For those of you who don’t know me all that well, I am used to operating at 180-mph. Go, go, go all the time. So it’s frustrating to me to be tired. You’re probably wondering what happened with my Chicago trip and this little boxing match I have going with reality. I made it to Chicago. I actually did much better with my food, since I packed more of it this time. But I realized that it’s a lot harder for me to stand and do presentations for a long amount of time. This trip wiped me out. I was soo tired on Friday. I had set aside Friday night to clean up my apartment. Yeah, that sooo didn’t happen. I’m not used to NOT having energy.

I know that it is still really soon since I got out of the hospital. But damnit, I am only 31 years old. I should be bouncing back a lot faster from heart failure than this, right???

Before when I would travel and was flying back to Atlanta, I would have my Ipod on the whole time. Once I got off my plane I would dance my way thru the airport to my park’n’ride bus. No cell phone – just me, my music and dancing! This was just my little routine, I was in my own little Lindsey world and happy to finally be back home. On Thursday when I flew back, I had my Ipod on, but just didn’t have it in me to dance thru the airport. Then Bon Jovi came on!! My sister has jokingly said he wrote this one song, Bounce, just for me! And while I wasn’t dancing, I did have more of a Bounce in my step! It was enough to give me a little attitude going thru the airport and enough to make people wonder why I had such a big smile on my face. And tonight I got another little Bounce in my step – reconnecting with an old friend, laughing at old memories, talking about all the new stuff going on in our lives. It was a good reminder that sometimes the best things in life are to hear the wonderful sound of laughter from a good friend. Thank you Suzie! And thank you Julie for giving me this song – it has brought back some Bounce into my somewhat dull life right now!!

So ladies and gentleman – I leave you with a little Bounce (or at least my favorite parts)!! May you all find a little bounce in your lives!

I’ve been knocked down so many times
Count it out 6, 7, 8, 9

Call it karma, Call it luck
Me, I just don’t give a f*&%
Bounce, Bounce
Nothing’s gonna keep me down
Bounce, Bounce
Stand up, Shout it Out
Bounce, Bounce
Play hard, Play to Win
Count me out, Count me in
I’ll be Bouncing back again

I’ll take the hits, But not the fall
I know no fear, Still standing tall

Bring it on, I like it rough
In your face, I’ll call your bluff
It ain’t karma, It ain’t luck
Me, I just don’t give a f*&%

BOUNCE!!!

Song: Bounce by Bon Jovi

Ok, let me first put one little thought out there – I don’t know if I will write on this everyday. So no expectations…. just have a lot to get off my chest right now.

Here’s a little update on my battle with reality. I made it to Chicago, with a very tired (yet cold) heart and short breath. But I made it. And can I just say, why in the world do adults think its cute to wear pajama’s thru the airport??? People, its not cute. On a baby its cute. On an adult I need to pull out my fashion police badge!

Back to my little fight… there is only so much planning you can do. Lesson learned. But due to my superior planning, I am here and not crashing. I’m tired mind you, but not crashing. I have shortness of breath, but don’t need to be hooked up to the oxygen tank. So, reality, you have me in a pretty good choke hold right now, but I’m not ready to tap out just yet. And I hope you liked that piercing elbow to the eye, that one will definitely leave a mark! While I’ll give you round 1 from earlier this week, I think the judges will agree this round goes to me! And just to give you a heads up sucka, I have a few tricks up my sleeve for tomorrow, so watchout!!

Some of you may feel like I am being a little over-dramatic here. This is a whole new life for me. I was used to running thru the airport to barely catch my flight, running airport to airport – city to city. Oh, and while running I was responding to emails on one phone and catching up with a friend on the other. And once I got there the workout clothes would go on and I’d go for hard run and then lift. Stay up late working and then start the routine all over the next day. Right now, I can’t imagine just running thru the airport. There was no running today. And had I needed to, we would have just missed that stupid flight. Not even the paramedics could get me off this bed on a treadmill right now (besides the fact my doc would kill me!) Multi-tasking is like learning how to walk all over again. I sounded like I had run a marathon today just talking to one of my collegues on the phone while I was packing. Just like Jordan Spark’s song says, “Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air.” Tell me how I’m supposed to survive if I can’t be Lindsey.

I get that we as Americans need to slow down a little bit, breathe the fresh air and smell the stupid roses. But God, if you’re listening… haven’t we taken this one just a hair too far????

Well I got totally slapped in the face by reality today. In my mind, this whole process of dealing with CHF, figuring out this new lifestyle, trying to get my heart stronger is one massive fight for me. I guess that is just being raised in karate coming out in me. When I get pushed, all I know is to fight back. MS is another fight I’ve been battling. And given the fact that it tried to put me in a wheelchair and I got back out of it, and have maintained my mobility, I would say I am winning that fight. Score 1 for Team Lindsey!!

So why can’t I figure this one out? I know, everyone is probably saying, “Just have patience Lindsey. Its going to take some time. You’ll eventually get it.” I DON’T HAVE PATIENCE. That is just a virtue God did not instill me with.

Yesterday I had to get back to the nitty, gritty of my job and start back traveling. By the time I got to my final destination last night, I was exhausted. Today I woke up to see that I had lost two pounds, but my BP had increased. I’m thinking we’re going to be okay. I did good with the food I had packed and planned ahead with the travel. I have been a walking zombie all day. I mustered up enough energy to give a riveting sales presentation at my meeting this morning (he didn’t suspect anything was wrong), and then could barely keep my eyes open driving home. I barely made it up to my apartment before I just crashed out, hard. And here’s the frustrating part is that I have no appetite right now, but I know I need to eat. And I have absolutely no energy to get in the kitchen and even put a stupid plate in the microwave. Right about now is when I would LOVE to be able to order a pizza. But NOOOOOO, those dumb things have too much sodium. Oh, what about that chinese restaurant…. wait – again, too much sodium and now MSG. This little luxury of “fast food”, “take out”, just convenience in general is something we take for granted. I know I did.

Travel is going to be tougher than I thought. And I get to fly out tomorrow for Chicago. Yahoo for me!! Travel used to be fun, now its so much work to make sure I have everything I need.

Alright reality, listen up. And I mean listen up good…. You may have slapped me across the face today, but beware – I have a really MEAN right hook and a deadly sidekick. And I don’t get knocked down very easily. So while I am a walking zombie, I will get in that kitchen and fix some dinner, I will get my meals prepared to take with me to Chicago and I will finish the work I need to get done tonight.

You may have won the fight today, but this war and I will come back. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins – not through strength but through persistance. Meditate on that one reality!

I gained a pound today and for the first time I didn’t freak out!! You’re probably asking yourself why this is such a big deal. Here’s why… for 10 years I would wake up every morning to the reality of a shot. That vital shot is what tried its best to keep me walking. Now I wake up and weigh myself every morning (along with taking my blood pressure). Let me just start with the obvious – what woman likes to weigh herself in the first place. I mean, really? So I get the daily reminder of what size clothes I can’t fit into? (and yes, even when you have heart failure you still care about the materials things…) But this morning it was different. This morning I was a woman on a different mission. Ever since I got out of the hospital on Dec 13th I have been terrified to get on that scale. If I gain weight (depending on how much it is & for how many days in a row) it could be an indication that my sodium intake is not at the correct level and my heart is going back into failure. So not only has salt been my enemy, so has the scale. And for that reason I have been terrified to eat. Too much sodium and my heart starts to shut down (essentially…). Too little sodium and my body gets completely dehydrated and my kidneys start to shut down. So for someone who has never had to watch what she eats before (except to watch calories every now and then) how in the hell do you find this delicate balance and feel normal???? Therefore, where I once LOVED food, I was now terrified to eat it. Food was now my enemy too. (okay.. I need to interject a little side note that will make sense in a minute – I’m listening to Montley Crew’s “Kickstart my Heart”!! How appropiate..) Sounds like I’m stacking up a lot of enemies, huh??

Hmm.. I digress….. back to this scale, weight issue… So over the holidays I gained two pounds one day and completely freaked out. I wouldn’t eat anything (to the point I thought my parents were going to start force feeding me…) and I adjusted my medicines. I dropped four pounds in one day and all of a sudden I start blacking out and fainting. I just couldn’t seem to get it right. It was tiring, frustrating and to be honest… it just pissed me off. I’ve always been a fighter my entire life, very little if anything in this world has been able to keep me down. I’ve become a black belt all over again in fighting MS, but this heart failure was kicking my ass! And I couldn’t understand why.

One of the first rules of fighting is to identify your enemies weaknesses and use those against them. And one of salt’s and the scale’s weaknesses is my body. My body is going to be one of my greatest strengths over these enemies and I didn’t even realize it! Over the last week I’ve really tried to pay attention to what my body is feeling and what it’s telling me. More times than not, your body will tell you exactly what is wrong with it, if you only know how to listen. God tells us to just be still in His presence and He will lead us. The same is true with my body. If I will just be still and listen, it will start to tell me what it needs – more fluid, more salt, less salt, more exercise, less exercise, more relaxation, etc… So I knew, based on what my body was telling me, that I wasn’t getting enough sodium in my diet. And I also knew that I was gravely dehydrated. Gaining a pound was a victory for me today. And for the first time, I didn’t freak out!!

I was trying to prepare ahead a few meals for this week. In the past, cooking was always a stress reliever for me. But after this heart failure, it felt more like a chore, it was work I had to do because I can no longer go through a drive-thru for dinner anymore. (Hmm… was cooking about to become my enemy as well?????) But tonight I had my Ipod playing while I was cooking and just chopping and dicing and zesting like no bodies business. The next thing I know I’m smiling. And without realizing it, I was singing like I was the next American Idol and dancing with myself in my kitchen. Thats right, stop the presses – I was actually enjoying cooking for myself to the point that I was dancing! Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain!!

These little victories… they may seem so stupid to who ever is reading this, but they are huge for me. My cooking spree felt like I had just run a marathon. So today, I just punched the shit back out of heart failure. You didn’t freak me out today with my weight gain, and kiss my behind – I learned to dance in the rain!! So… as Rihanna says, Please Don’t Stop the Music and for Montley Crew – I Kick Started My Heart!!

Here’s your Heart Healthy Tip for Today: The average American diet consumes over 8,000 mg of sodium. Per the American Heart Association, you shouldn’t consume more than 2,000 mg. Bread is one of the biggest culprits of hidden sodium. Try tracking your sodium for one meal. You’ll be surprised. Eat as many foods fresh as you can, not frozen and not processed and you’ll start to cut back on your sodium, and lead you on the path to preventing heart disease.