Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

Hello faithful blog readers. I feel like I owe you an explanation for my absence. Part of it has been writer’s block – happens to the best of us. But the bigger issue has been where I am at in my life right now. I’m still getting used to the idea of putting my life out there on the internet for anyone to read. And lately, things have been really great. I’ve been feeling strong physically, I’ve been happy. It feels like things are finally heading in the right direction. In fact right now I have a perma-grin from my Indy trip over the weekend. I’ve been working on this little project with workouts that could lead to something big…. You would think with all of this I would have tons of writing material. And I do. But it also scares me a little bit. I don’t want to jinx anything, does that sound stupid? I don’t want to set expections out there I can’t fulfill with you guys, or with my family. And there is a part of me that is concerned over being this happy and things finally going in the right direction. Not to be a pessimist, but if anything I have learned with my heart that one day it’s strong and the next day it’s not. So does that mean a big black hole is waiting around the corner for me to fall in? I really hope not, there has been a lot of exciting developments and break thru’s I want to share with you. Just give me a little time…. And pray that the side of my brain that writes will kick in strong soon too!!

One of the most frustrating aspects of the heart failure side of this journey is not knowing exactly what is happening to my body and where it’s coming from. Over the years with MS, I got to know how my body reacted so well to different elements that I knew what caused certain relapses (some I didn’t), but I knew if it was the heat, too much stress or overworking or just MS running its course with me. I don’t know these aspects of heart failure with me and it drives me up the wall. And worse, I can’t figure out if its my heart or the MS acting up. I’m leaning towards my heart, just because I never really felt like this with MS. And if you are a doctor and ask me to explain exactly what “this” is, I’m not sure I can. (great patient, huh??)

Why do you do this to me
Why do you do this so easily
You make it hard to smile
Because you make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me
To me, to me, to me
– Secondhand Serenade

I had been feeling so good. ( or well… I always confuse the two grammatically..). Was really making progress on the treadmill, getting ready to get back on my bike (Tour de France here I come…) And then bam, out of no where I get knocked out. Maybe I did overdo things on the treadmill (as freakin pathetic as that sounds), maybe its because I finally caved in and indulged in my favorite Indian food (which I am still paying the price for. No worries, a water pill on Sunday will knock that one out). Is this really to the point that every splurge or indulgence will have this dramatic of an effect on my body?  I had stuck straight & narrow to my diet. Now comes the frustrating part. Thursday morning I could barely move out of bed. It felt like a 500 pound cement block was just lying on top of me. And going from the bedroom to the bathroom you would have thought you just saw me come across the finish line at the Peachtree Road Race. Again, if I could put my finger on what’s causing this then I could adapt.

Why do you keep doing this to me? I was following all the stupid rules. Moving up is the direction we were heading…. So why this? Why now? I don’t know if we’ve taken a step back, but it sure feels like it. I came home today and just crashed. I know part of the problem was the food I ate, that’s why its harder for me to breathe. But could someone please take this cement block off of me??

You would think after all the years of MS, this would somewhat be a walk in the park. But they don’t exactly offer “adjusting” as a course at any of the schools I went to. And no matter how many times your life gets flipped upside down, it doesn’t get any easier to adjust.

And no matter how horrible I feel, how tired I am – there is still a sink full of dishes and a pile of laundry I need to get thru. Why can’t I just wiggle my nose and make everything all better? Or at least get this damn cement block off of me????

Today is a day I didn’t quite know if I would make it to. And this year, 2009, is the only year I plan to “celebrate” this day. Today is my 1-year anniversary of being divorced and officially becoming Ms. Lindsey Bowyer again. The road I have painfully fought down to get here was a rough and bunpy one. A road I don’t care to travel down again.

To say I have been broken over the last year is an understatement. When we announced we were getting a divorce all I heard was how this would be the most painful “thing” I’d ever experience. I adamamently and naively disagreed with that. Little did I know the emotional evils that were waiting right around the corner for me. While I don’t know if this is the most painful experience in my life, it was painful none-the-less.

Divorce is a death. It’s the death of your marriage, your life as you knew it and you as a wife. And just like a death, you go thru all the stages of grieving. The unknown is that just because you “made” it thru one stage, doesn’t mean it won’t come back to haunt you at a later date. And you’re left wondering if there is too much that time just can’t erase. Divorce is an amputation of your soul. I used to jokingly call my ex-husband my better half. And whether that person is the better or worst part of the marriage, it’s still the surgical removal of half of your soul, half of your heart. Just like you can take a photo and tear it in two, someone came and ripped half of me apart. And you wake up in the middle of the night reaching for that missing half, only to find it’s still not there. Divorce is a failure. It means the sacred entity in your life in the eyes of God you couldn’t do right. Divorce is a boxing match. You constantly have to keep your guard up because you don’t know what will hit you next. But even if you get knocked down, you have no choice but to get up and keep fighting. Because for the first time you’re alone – it’s just you. No one will fight for you but you. There isn’t that spouse, that best friend, that soul mate to lean on for support. There are days you don’t know if you can get out of bed, days it hurts to breathe. Days you wonder if you will be able to laugh again, days you wonder if you will ever feel again. You constantly are asking if the worst is over yet, and then you realize it has only yet to come.

And here I am a year later, a year stronger – still standing. There is so much about life and love I still don’t understand, and that’s okay. Here is what I do know – divorce is an experience I will not go thru again; time truly can heal a lot of wounds – ones you never thought could ever heal; this is a time you find out who your real friends are and it’s okay to say goodbye to the ones that are toxic to your healing; you can’t change what’s happened in the past, but you can change how you respond to it;  no one will stand stronger by you than your family – so lean on them and let them help; that which doesn’t kill you truly does make you not only stronger, but wiser; finding your smile again is vital to survival – laugh often & laugh hard; learn to let go and let God!

But most importantly, I’ve learned that I can do all things thru Christ who gave me strength this last year when there wasn’t an ounce left in my body. Who picked me up everytime I fell, and Who held me crying when I was weak. And who allowed me dignity to break down in prayer when I was ashamed. With His mercy and grace we can have and find forgiveness. With His love we can heal and let go of anger. And with His guidance, we can find our way again after a broken heart.

Saying goodbye to my old life is a chance to open my arms and heart to whatever God has in store for me. So I celebrate today as the first day of the rest of my life. The sun is rising and it’s the start of a new day, leaving all my worries in the past. Today, I say goodbye to the divorce I painfully lived over this last year but survived with a fighting spirit, and say hello to a life of love & happiness awaiting me. Somewhere along the way I found my smile. But for the first time, my heart has found its way to feel again. And I look forward to this journey I have yet to travel in this life.

Goodbye is a second chance. I’m ready for what mine is.

A friend of mine posted the best quote on her facebook page by Franklin D. Roosevelt, “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” In essence that is what I have done over the last month & a half. I’ve been holding on as tightly as I can. Over the years I’ve come to realize that MS doesn’t sit still for very long. Just when things are quiet enough and your guard is down, the MonSter (as us MSers so adequately call it) will strike. Unfortunately I am learning that Heart Failure operates in much of the same fashion. I’ve been too tired to fight, so I’ve tied my knot and held on. And what’s the saying – it takes more muscles to frown than to smile?? Have you ever seen a serious fighter enter into a battle giggling? I would put my money on no. While I’ve been too tired to fight, I haven’t been too tired to smile or share a good laugh. And that has been what’s held me on that rope.

When I got diagnosed with MS I decided that “never” was not a word that would enter into my vocabulary. Any sentence with that word in it was simply a sentence not worth listening to. If someone told me I couldn’t, I would prove I could. I tried to take the same approach with Heart Failure. I’m quickly realizing it doesn’t quite work the same way. “Never” with HF may simply mean “just not right now” or it may truly mean “never” if I want to stay alive. And if I’m serious about beating this and not letting go of that rope, I have to understand and respect the difference. I’ll give you an example – skydiving, one of my loves and passions in life! My doc told me yesterday that I would never go skydiving again. In my heart I hope that really means just not right now. But in my mind I know the reality is my heart will probably never be strong enough again to sustain the intense adrenaline kick of skydiving. (with my heart as weak as it is right now, if I went skydiving there is a good chance I would go into cardiac arrest and be dead before I ever hit the ground). To be honest, if my heart does get back into the “healthy” range, I’m not so sure I’m willing to take that risk anymore. A definite change of perspective. At least I can say I’ve jumped not once, but three times…. And I have the video proof to watch when I get those urges to soar.

Yesterday I went to my monthly checkup with the cardiologist. My ejection fraction has bumped up from 25% to 30%. It’s still not in the “healthy” range, but we are moving in the right direction. In the past I would take this news and just run with it – literally. Badger my doc to let me back into the gym, back into my dance class. He would give me an inch, I would ask for a mile. (actually, if I’m being completely honest here, I would ask for the whole wall of China!) But today as I am grabbing a hold of my rope, I’m just going to be thankful for the inch I have. Thankful that while I am too tired to fight, I’m not too tired to smile. Because I do believe it was those deep belly laughs and smiles on my heart that gave me those 5 points yesterday – and nothing else. So, I will take every inch you will give me and polite decline asking for the mile.

I will never forget the day I left to go to college. I had my Jeep packed to the rim and drove off as my mom stood in the driveway crying and waving goodbye to her little girl. When I said goodbye I also said I would never come back home (I would come home for holidays, but I would never move back home). At 18 I already knew everything there was to know about the world and was ready to tackle it. And in that knowledge I knew that home was never where I would be happy or be successful. Once I started college, I kept my word. Each summer I stayed in Knoxville, anxious to finish my degrees and become queen of corporate america.

I moved to Atlanta after college and just fell in love with this city. I loved the fast-paced lifestyle, I loved the competitiveness to climb that ladder faster than anyone else. I loved the push to be better, to look better, to have the best “things”. And for almost a decade I have kept up with this grueling pace. But between MS and my heart failure, I have quickly come to realize I no longer live in the land I once knew and something is going to have to change.

“I was looking for something I couldn’t replace
I was running away from the only thing I’ve ever known
Who says you can’t go home
There’s only one place, they call me one of their own”  (Bon Jovi – Who Says You Can’t Go Home)

Lately I have been spending a lot of time back in my hometown of Tifton. People often make the mistake of saying that because Southerners have a thick accent or they talk slower, or overall operate at a slower pace means they aren’t as intelligent as others. I beg to differ. I always fought the slower way of life, but here lately I have come to appreciate it more and more.  No matter where you go, no matter what happens in your life – you always have home to go back to. And as much as I swore off that, as much as I fought hard to never have to go back home. I have a serene peace in being there. A comfort that I can’t find here in Atlanta.

“With every step I take I know I’m not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I’ve ever known
Who says you can’t go home”

My doc has begged me to slow down, to relax. In Tifton I can do that. Because that is just how business is done down there. And don’t underestimate the financial power of this town. You make time in the morning to read the paper and drink your cup of coffee. You make time to sit down and eat lunch. You make time to cook dinner and eat together as a family. And you make time to share a few laughs and share what’s going on in your life. But in the midst of all of this, you get business done too. That’s just not how it works here in Atlanta. It feels like its a rush to find your way thru the chaos that’s called life here. You eat breakfast in the car, you’re constantly fighting traffic, you have to schedule time to catch up with your friends. And it makes me wonder just how much of life we’ve been missing….. Maybe as I’m getting older I realize more and more the importance of family. Or maybe I am finally realizing that slowing down doesn’t mean you can’t be productive and happy or successful. It’s actually the opposite.

“It doesn’t matter where you are, It doesn’t matter where you go
If it’s a million miles away or just 10 miles up the road
Take it in, Take it where you go
Who says you can’t go home”

I turn 32 years old this year. And I always thought I knew my sister pretty well, that we had a close relationship. But it has been the most special gift from God the time He has given me with her over the last couple of months. I get so excited to stop by the farmer’s market on the way to Tifton and pick out whatever goodies I’m going to cook. I look forward to cranking up the ipod, grabbing a cucumber for a microphone and singing and dancing our way around the kitchen. I laughingly enjoy getting up in the morning and reading all four pages of the Tifton paper. I cherish the talks, the laughs and the cries we’ve experienced. I feel like my sister has brought me back home, a place that maybe I belong. She has helped to open up a way of life to me that I just couldn’t find in Atlanta, a way of life I so desperately needed to survive. In a way, Julie has been a pivotal stepping stone in helping to save my heart. I don’t know, maybe in our own little ways, we’ve helped to save each other.

So who says you can’t go home? For the first time in my life, I no longer have any ties that are keeping me in Atlanta. And that in itself is such a freeing feeling. Knowing I can go anywhere my little heart desires.

“Take this sinking ship and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you had the choice
You’ve made it now”   (The Frames – Falling Slowly)

I’ve got my life vest on, but I know my ship won’t sink. It’s just a matter of turning the tides to point me home again. And there is such a safety knowing I can always go home again.

I used to hate this comment as a kid. I always wanted to know my birthday gifts before my birthday. And every year I would get the inevitable, “Good things come to those who wait…”. I want everything with my heart to get better over night. Now I get this statement from my doc, along with the other laundry list of orders I follow. If you follow this blog then you already know that patience is a virtue I struggle with. When I decide I want something, I want it now. The interesting thing is that this whole heart failure journey is slowly teaching me that the fast way isn’t always the best way. Sometimes its good to let things sit and marinate.

If anyone out there cooks then you know meat taste better when it’s had time to marinate. One of my favorite lamb recipes says you can marinate it for 2 hours. But it honestly taste better if you marinate it overnight. And if you especially want the meat nice and tender, then let it marinate for 2 days. The longer you marinate, the better the flavors infuse into the meat and tenderize it. Same holds true for my homemade salsa. Its always better the next day after all the ingredients have had time to really incorporate. Good things come to those who wait.

So…. what happens if you are the extremely impatient one in the equation? After a long time searching, you finally “think” you know what you want. What if it’s just not the right time? What if in the end it’s not the right answer you’ve been waiting for? How do you truly know? I keep being told to sit still and listen. To be patient. And at least over the last month I have. (My way wasn’t working, so I decided to give the patience route a go at it). From doing this, so much has come to light with me, so much has come to the forefront that I never considered before. So… obviously now it has my mind spinning in a million different directions. But as its spinning, there is at least one clear path I see. A path that was completely hidden from my sight before.  But it’s a path that I don’t 100% feel if I am ready to walk down. I could wait….. and see…… If good things really do come to those who wait…..

But what if I am waiting on the wrong path? At what point do you let go and accept that this isn’t the way God intended your life to be? How do you know? And in the meantime…. are you passing up what could be right in front of you?

Good things come to those who wait. I just don’t know how long I should let this one marinate????

With this blog I have made the commitment to post the good, the bad and the ugly going on in my life. The same is true with the comments people leave on here. While I moderate all comments that are left, I welcome people to disagree or challenge my thoughts and perspectives, especially if you strongly feel otherwise. But if you want your comments posted for the rest of the world to read, then clean up your language and have a little respect for my other readers. This isn’t just a blog written in outerspace – I have family members, doctors and collegues that follow this site, people of all ages. And the comment I received on “So You Think You Can Dance” was so too filthy and vulgar to even approve.  I acknowledge the fact that you very clearly don’t like my blog, and that’s fine. Well, newsflash – if you hate it that much, stop reading it! If you want to find a more PG-rated version to express your hateful views then you’ll get your comment posted. If not, go find another blog to harrass. This is not the place.

Oh, and PS – don’t think I didn’t catch the “crunk”. I am far from being naive, stupid or predictable. Don’t underestimate.

Your centerstage, it’s the audtion of your life. If you can make it to the Top 20, your on the national tv show and destined for stardom. But not everyone gets thru so easily. A select few get the ticket to Las Vegas immediately, and others have to come back for choreography to see if they can hack it. Once in Vegas, a week of grueling routines to push your body to the limits and test your true capabilities as an artist. You have pulled out every trick in the book, every move you have ever known to show you are one of the best to show that yes, you CAN dance. And now you are being told, “You must dance for your life”. Here is the moment you will literally dance for your life.

I feel like that is how MS and HF (heart failure) have been inside of me lately. It’s been this dance-off to see who is better to capture the title. Who is strong enough, has enough talent to make thru to the next round. They are going back and forth, each time one showcasing a move the other has never seen before. A move unique enough to get them that round’s vote.

I can just see the judges comments now…. MS, you have the pop and lock down solid. Your hip hop is a step above the best – your lines are crisp! HF – your contempary is par none, such fluidity in your movement. You are definitely in your element! But can you bring some character to the competition? You have the training, how flexible are you with different genres? It’s now time to dance for your lives….

If I am giving my vote, right now it goes to MS. I have to say MS truly brought to the forefront a new move that none of us had ever seen. The way you twisted that spinal seizure to lock my neck in place against my shoulder was priceless. And yet, while you had it locked, not once did you ever stop the continual movement of spasms down my lower back showcasing the power in my abs. It was the best reverse snake if I’ve ever seen one. Yes, you get the ticket to continue to the next round.

But wait…. what’s this??? HF isn’t done just yet? If you want to win this competition you have to bring a little some’em-some’em that is unique, different, fiery, ferocioius! You have got to bring it!

Well, as Nigel would say, Que the Music! Stay tuned to see how this dance off plays out…..

And, Que Music!

I had the most peaceful sleep the other night. And this is quite unusual for me, I normally don’t have restful sleep. I can remember every second of the dream I had, something else that is quite unusual – normally only remember a snippet here or there of dreams, and more often than not only when they are bad. But this dream was so different. If someone had been videotaping me I know I was smiling in my sleep.

Some people think dreams are an insight into your soul. Some think they foreshadow the future. I think that maybe they are a key to unlocking thoughts and feelings that are trapped in your subconsciousness. A place that we seem to push things on the back burner and other things that we want to bury so deep we never have to see, hear or feel them again. I will admit I have a lot of junk stashed in this closet. And a good amount of it has something somewhere to do with hurting my heart (emotionally).

If you follow me on facebook then you saw a status update not too long ago: “Lindsey is taking a chance on something…”. One friend responded that life is boring without chances. Very true. But this is where the scary part for me comes in – my heart was completely, utterly and totally shattered after my divorce, past the point of repair I had thought. As I slowly tried to put the pieces back together, and slowly allowed my heart to have any feeling what-so-ever, anyone who remotely hurt it got cut off, cut out. Especially after my hospital visit in December. At that point my heart was medically and emotionally broken. As a mom does to protect her child, I went into serious defense mode. You can’t live without your heart, I was going to do anything I could to protect it.

You may be wondering why I am even talking talking about this – I said I wouldn’t talk about my divorce. And I still won’t talk about the details behind it. But I haven’t been doing you guys any justice by steering away from a big part of this website – me finding my way back after a broken heart. Maybe I have been avoiding it because I am hoping that magically it would just put itself back together. Maybe I have been avoiding it because in every situation it takes two to tango, and I haven’t been ready to look myself in the mirror and see my faults with each situation. (side note: except for the situation with architect, go back and read that blog. That one was NOT my fault!) The crazy thing is, I have let you guys miss out on a lot of good and hilarious experiences, and there have also been some extremely hurtful ones as well. All part of finding your way, right? All a part of this journey….

So….this dream I had. Was it trying to tell me that I had made a huge mistake for cutting someone out of my life that I had loved? That I was wrong for not letting them back in when they messed up or made a mistake, because God knows I make them all the time, and my friends still love and accept me. Was it because I was scared, this is one person I truly believed wouldn’t hurt me. And when they did I had no idea how to respond, except to go into defense mode. (right now I am envisioning myself decked out in an army camouflaged suit, with an AK-47 standing on top of a tanker….) And he would probably agree that is about the position I took with him.

Now that I have unplugged from things, I really have a different perspective on matters of the heart. So.. I took a chance and reached out to him. All I know is he will at least talk to me. If this means we will both allow each other back in our lives to build back up a friendship or more, I don’t know. If this means this is just the opportunity to get closure on what was a 17 year chapter in our lives and say goodbye, I don’t know.

I don’t know what will happen. But I do know this – either way, whether its hello again or goodbye, this is something my heart needs to move to the next step.