Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

Today is a day I didn’t quite know if I would make it to. And this year, 2009, is the only year I plan to “celebrate” this day. Today is my 1-year anniversary of being divorced and officially becoming Ms. Lindsey Bowyer again. The road I have painfully fought down to get here was a rough and bunpy one. A road I don’t care to travel down again.

To say I have been broken over the last year is an understatement. When we announced we were getting a divorce all I heard was how this would be the most painful “thing” I’d ever experience. I adamamently and naively disagreed with that. Little did I know the emotional evils that were waiting right around the corner for me. While I don’t know if this is the most painful experience in my life, it was painful none-the-less.

Divorce is a death. It’s the death of your marriage, your life as you knew it and you as a wife. And just like a death, you go thru all the stages of grieving. The unknown is that just because you “made” it thru one stage, doesn’t mean it won’t come back to haunt you at a later date. And you’re left wondering if there is too much that time just can’t erase. Divorce is an amputation of your soul. I used to jokingly call my ex-husband my better half. And whether that person is the better or worst part of the marriage, it’s still the surgical removal of half of your soul, half of your heart. Just like you can take a photo and tear it in two, someone came and ripped half of me apart. And you wake up in the middle of the night reaching for that missing half, only to find it’s still not there. Divorce is a failure. It means the sacred entity in your life in the eyes of God you couldn’t do right. Divorce is a boxing match. You constantly have to keep your guard up because you don’t know what will hit you next. But even if you get knocked down, you have no choice but to get up and keep fighting. Because for the first time you’re alone – it’s just you. No one will fight for you but you. There isn’t that spouse, that best friend, that soul mate to lean on for support. There are days you don’t know if you can get out of bed, days it hurts to breathe. Days you wonder if you will be able to laugh again, days you wonder if you will ever feel again. You constantly are asking if the worst is over yet, and then you realize it has only yet to come.

And here I am a year later, a year stronger – still standing. There is so much about life and love I still don’t understand, and that’s okay. Here is what I do know – divorce is an experience I will not go thru again; time truly can heal a lot of wounds – ones you never thought could ever heal; this is a time you find out who your real friends are and it’s okay to say goodbye to the ones that are toxic to your healing; you can’t change what’s happened in the past, but you can change how you respond to it;  no one will stand stronger by you than your family – so lean on them and let them help; that which doesn’t kill you truly does make you not only stronger, but wiser; finding your smile again is vital to survival – laugh often & laugh hard; learn to let go and let God!

But most importantly, I’ve learned that I can do all things thru Christ who gave me strength this last year when there wasn’t an ounce left in my body. Who picked me up everytime I fell, and Who held me crying when I was weak. And who allowed me dignity to break down in prayer when I was ashamed. With His mercy and grace we can have and find forgiveness. With His love we can heal and let go of anger. And with His guidance, we can find our way again after a broken heart.

Saying goodbye to my old life is a chance to open my arms and heart to whatever God has in store for me. So I celebrate today as the first day of the rest of my life. The sun is rising and it’s the start of a new day, leaving all my worries in the past. Today, I say goodbye to the divorce I painfully lived over this last year but survived with a fighting spirit, and say hello to a life of love & happiness awaiting me. Somewhere along the way I found my smile. But for the first time, my heart has found its way to feel again. And I look forward to this journey I have yet to travel in this life.

Goodbye is a second chance. I’m ready for what mine is.

This entry was posted on July 1, 2009 at 9:15 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.