Why do you do this to me????

One of the most frustrating aspects of the heart failure side of this journey is not knowing exactly what is happening to my body and where it’s coming from. Over the years with MS, I got to know how my body reacted so well to different elements that I knew what caused certain relapses (some I didn’t), but I knew if it was the heat, too much stress or overworking or just MS running its course with me. I don’t know these aspects of heart failure with me and it drives me up the wall. And worse, I can’t figure out if its my heart or the MS acting up. I’m leaning towards my heart, just because I never really felt like this with MS. And if you are a doctor and ask me to explain exactly what “this” is, I’m not sure I can. (great patient, huh??)

Why do you do this to me
Why do you do this so easily
You make it hard to smile
Because you make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me
To me, to me, to me
– Secondhand Serenade

I had been feeling so good. ( or well… I always confuse the two grammatically..). Was really making progress on the treadmill, getting ready to get back on my bike (Tour de France here I come…) And then bam, out of no where I get knocked out. Maybe I did overdo things on the treadmill (as freakin pathetic as that sounds), maybe its because I finally caved in and indulged in my favorite Indian food (which I am still paying the price for. No worries, a water pill on Sunday will knock that one out). Is this really to the point that every splurge or indulgence will have this dramatic of an effect on my body?  I had stuck straight & narrow to my diet. Now comes the frustrating part. Thursday morning I could barely move out of bed. It felt like a 500 pound cement block was just lying on top of me. And going from the bedroom to the bathroom you would have thought you just saw me come across the finish line at the Peachtree Road Race. Again, if I could put my finger on what’s causing this then I could adapt.

Why do you keep doing this to me? I was following all the stupid rules. Moving up is the direction we were heading…. So why this? Why now? I don’t know if we’ve taken a step back, but it sure feels like it. I came home today and just crashed. I know part of the problem was the food I ate, that’s why its harder for me to breathe. But could someone please take this cement block off of me??

You would think after all the years of MS, this would somewhat be a walk in the park. But they don’t exactly offer “adjusting” as a course at any of the schools I went to. And no matter how many times your life gets flipped upside down, it doesn’t get any easier to adjust.

And no matter how horrible I feel, how tired I am – there is still a sink full of dishes and a pile of laundry I need to get thru. Why can’t I just wiggle my nose and make everything all better? Or at least get this damn cement block off of me????

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One Response to “Why do you do this to me????”

  1. cathy bowyer Says:

    Hey babe, I was the clean up fairy you were wishing for and you wouldn’t let me do anything!!!! Wish I had some answers for you, I know it doesn’t get any easier, just remember you are awesome and you are my hero. I love you

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