Looking for a Lifeline

October 25, 2011

I’m starting to wonder if I am ever going to get a good night’s sleep. Not from the uncomfortableness of being pregnant, but from nightmares. I used to love waking up and being able to remember my dreams. Now that love only serves to haunt me throughout the day…..

One might say that part of my nightmares comes from the spiritual battle that is going on in my life. I would like to add all the unnecessary drama to that equation. From people wanting to hash out arguments from well over a year ago, to a person who seems it is their mission to ruin and rip apart my marriage to people just saying out right ugly things to a pregnant person – it’s no wonder I stay stressed out most of the time and can’t seem to get any rest.

Add on top of that the endless medical bills that are stacking up from me having a high risk pregnancy and not able to work right now. 90% of MS patients go into remission during pregnancy, and guess what – I’m a part of the fun-filled 10% that gets to fight this hateful disease while trying to keep my baby safe. Realistically, I have no idea if my heart is going to medically make it through this pregnancy and have to live with the fear everyday that I may not be here to take care of my son. My seizures have come back full force.

The doctors have said over and over again that I need to rest, to sleep, to relax. I don’t need stress in my life. The medical and financial stress is all on me, but for the rest – why can’t people just give me a break until this baby is born? Why do they feel that proving they are right is more important than my health and my baby’s health?

“Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I’m drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline”
– Lifeline, Papa Roach

I know where my life line is – God. Ironically, in one of my devotionals the other day it said, “You have no idea of where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in over-active energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God’s Redemption, you will snap when the strain comes, but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him whatever happens.”

God, I’m looking for a life line right now. A life line of peace and rest to get through this pregnancy. A break. And maybe even one restful night’s sleep.

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The Sweetest Sound in the World

September 28, 2011

Everyday I wake up in complete amazement of this gift God has given me that grows daily in my stomach. I stay in awe since for so long I was told I could not have children. Ever since I was 20 years old my body has been pricked, beaten and put through the ringer to stay healthy, to fight diseases…. to just live. I don’t think I have ever truly appreciated the value of human life as I have during this pregnancy.

While the type of heart failure I have is not genetic, it’s the consequences of medicines I had to take; I still have this fear that my baby will have heart issues. I never want my child to struggle the way I have. Today we had another ultrasound and I got to hear what to me is the sweetest sound in the world – my baby’s heartbeat. There is no doubt in my mind he will grow to be a strong man, all you have to do is hear his heart. And there is absolutely no doubt that this little guy will be stronger than I ever was or could be.

The icing on the cake today was hearing the doctor say, “His heart is perfect” while looking at the ultrasound. Perfect!! The words ‘heart’ and ‘perfect’ in the same sentence, and from something inside my body???!!! That has been unheard of. It’s almost an oxymoron in some sense.

I have struggled with trying to find my place in this world. Many paths I walked down were the wrong ones. Doors that started to open were closed. At the end of the day, I still don’t know exactly where I am going in this craziness I call life, but if for one minute I second guess my purpose in this life, all I need is to hear his heart beat.

So now I have a favor to ask of you. I want you to find that sweet sound that will ground you, give you peace, reaffirm your commitment to this life. We all have moments where we want to throw in the towel and give up. But God has bigger plans for all of us. Sometimes all it takes it sitting still and listening to that sound. I am forever changed by mine.

I’m Back…..

September 26, 2011

I first started this blog when my heart went into failure in 2008. I was pretty much imprisoned to my couch in an effort to let my heart rest and recover. During that year of writing, I did much soul searching and actually changed directions of where I was going in my life. As my heart got healthier and stronger, my life started getting back to some semblance of normalcy and hence the writing stop.

How ironic that I am now back, in a very similar situation. Yet again I am imprisoned to my bed or couch in an effort to allow my heart to rest and in this case, stay strong so I can make it safely through my pregnancy. As before, I took you all on this journey of self discovery and realization, the ups and downs of happiness and heartache as I struggled to find my way on the new path God was taking me down.

Now, God has opened a door I have always prayed for, but never thought I would get to walk through. I’m going to be a mother. And I want you all to join me as I go through this amazing journey. As I’ve already seen, this has yet again changed the direction I am going in my life and allowing me time to do more soul searching and self discovery.

So buckle up!!! This is definitely going to be a bumpy, wild, but worthwhile ride!!

There Must Be Something More?????

August 5, 2010

I’ll go ahead an answer that question out right – yes, there is something more. I wrote a paper for class and the title was ” The Journey is the Destination”. Never before has this been so true in my life. You guys have followed me over the last year and a half as I struggled and fought my way through this mess of heart failure and my life being flipped upside down and shaken sideways. One of my biggest frustrations was simply wanting to know what road in life I was supposed to go down.

The words you said to me, they couldn’t set me free
I’m stuck here in this life, I didn’t ask for
There must be something more, Do we know what we’re fighting for
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in
With all these mask we wore, we never knew what we had in store.
.” – Secondhand Serenade

One of my favorite sayings is that we never promised this life would be easy, only that it would be worth it. As doors got slammed in my face, the numbers on my heart went up and down and up and down, as I fiercely tried to just find my place; I am starting to see that the journey really is the destination.

I was stuck in a life I definitely didn’t ask for and I sure as hell didn’t want. No one goes into marriage expecting to be divorced. No one hopes they have to completely start their life over again at 30. No one wakes up one day and decides they want to fight for their life, fight for their heart to just work right.

And just when I thought there wasn’t something more than this out there for me, God answered my question. I am finally exactly where I’m supposed to be. Everything I’m not has made me everything I am. I honestly didn’t know before now exactly what I was fighting for. And for a long time, I feel like I wasted energy fighting for the wrong things. But I know what it is I am fighting for. When you get on the right path, so many things just fall into place.

There is something more out there for me. I am living, breathing and indulging myself in it right now. And what is so awesome, is that I know this is just the beginning. There is still so much more for me out there. Finally, my heart is open to welcoming all of it.

I’m On A Boat!!!

May 17, 2010

There’s the old saying that when one door closes another opens. And I feel like I’ve had a lot of doors slammed in my face over the last year and a half. In “The Last Lecture”, Randy Pausch says “If you can find an opening then you can find a way to float through it.” He also says, “Sometimes all you have to do is ask and it can lead to all of your dreams coming true.” So, I did. I asked. And I’m not just going to float – I’m sailing away full speed. The journey ahead is not going to be an easy one. I know I’m in for some rough waters. But I’ve dropped a lot of baggage to make my trek much lighter. And most importantly, I have my solid anchor – Christ with me every step of the way.

Today I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that I truly believe God has been preparing me for. I’ve let go of some old parts of me that were weighing me down and holding me back. I made the decision to sat goodbye to a few big aspects of my life, and some people in my life. If you don’t let go, you can never grow. You will never see me for the woman I am, only for the girl I used to be. And that girl has grown, changed, and is no longer a part of me. When you wake up one day and realize you may not have as much of your life left as you thought, time is really not something you want to waste anymore.

My door finally opened, my opening finally showed itself. It is with a serene peach and extreme happiness that I jump on board and charge full steam ahead. For the first time in a long time, I feel God is steering me in the right direction. Actually – truth be told, He has all along. I just needed to be patience, be still and listen.

And now…. I’m on a BOAT!!!

These Dreams…..

May 10, 2010

One of the mantra’s I preach is to live life with no regrets. For the most part, I have. When I look back on my life there are clearly disappointments, but very few items I would say I sincerely regret. Till I started having these dreams….. It’s a dream that has the same theme in it, all linked back to the one event in my life. I don’t know if these dreams are triggered from the fact that I’ve re-connected with this person on facebook or from the fact that it’s prom season or just because I’ve tried to really spend time analyzing what I do and don’t like from my life.

My regret isn’t about having the event itself. My regret stems from never apologizing. It wasn’t until years later when I started better understanding myself that I was able to see the mistake I had made. But when you’re in high school you’re young, immature, naive, inexperienced…. You just don’t know the ways of life or of the heart yet.

In my dream, I make right what I did wrong the first time. Maybe this is some way of my sub-conscience trying to tell me that there are many wrongs I need to right, regardless of who was in the wrong (isn’t that always one we hold on to so tightly = but they were in the wrong…). Maybe it’s my minds way of getting me to think of some options I may not have previously considered. Maybe it’s because it’s prom season and so that’s been the talk around town. Maybe it’s “la-la lands” way of helping me reminisce since I can’t even remember dancing at any of the three proms I went to…..(MS has made my memory like swiss cheese)  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to see the error in my ways. I am sorry I never gave that a chance back then because you were a really great guy. I am sorry I never tried to find you years later when the reality finally caught up with me and tell you I was sorry.  And I don’t know if you ever get on my blog and read my endless rants here and there. And even if you do, I don’t know if you would even remember what I am talking about. But if you do, know that I am sorry. I was a stupid girl back then who has learned more than 5 lifetimes worth of experience in my soon to be 33 years. And I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time around.

Who knows if I would have or will ever get a second chance, but if not, I know these dreams will go on when I close my eyes….

Life Changes

April 30, 2010

So many times I have heard new mothers say they never truly knew what love was until they held their baby for the first time. While I’m not a mother, I feel like I finally understand that statement. Babies are born everyday, but this baby is particularly special. This baby melted a cold, hardened part of my heart I didn’t think would ever feel again. I even found myself calling everyone telling them she was the most beautiful baby ever born. (however, I may be just a little biased…)

“Children make you want to start life over.” – Muhammad Ali

I never would have expected this little 6-pound package to make such an impact in my life. Anger, frustration, hurt feelings were all washed away the second I laid eyes on that precious, little face. And for me, my life changed. It no longer mattered who was right or wrong. All that matters is that she is in my life, and my purpose is to make sure she has the best life possible.

I love you Baylee Rose. Born April 19th at 6:42p.m. – the minute my life changed. You are a sweet rose in the garden on life.

Time

April 18, 2010

“Time is all you have. And you may find one day you have less than you think.” – from The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

For 2010, time seems to be flying by at a faster speed than years before. And I’m not quite sure why. I know this year is not turning out quite the way I had anticipated. But time has been really been weighing heavy on my mind. I have been appalled at the amount of time people in this country have invested in hate. I don’t know if its been directed towards hate of the unknown, hate of what they truly don’t understand or hate of what they cannot control or change. Either way, it’s still hate. I’ve been disappointed at the time people who were my friends have spent severing any bit of past we had together. My eyes have been opened at the amount of time certain people have spent showing their true colors. And let’s just say the picture they have painted is far from being beautiful, inspirational or even one I want in my life anymore. I’ve been saddened at the time wasted on the small, petty things in life that really weren’t going to move you forward in your quest. Time used to throw out words that you can never take back. Time lost to simply telling those you love how you feel about them, because you never know when you won’t have that time left to say everything you wish you had. I’m surprised at the time I have needed to heal, and still need. I struggle with this one – I’ve been frustrated and in the same, excited at the time I’ve devoted to one particular love. I hope I don’t get to the end of that road to discover it has all been a waste of my time.

Time. There never seems to be enough minutes or hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. We never seem to have enough time to spend with our loved ones. And for me I feel like this year has been a race against time. I see an hourglass in front of me with the sand slipping through it, my time slowing running out. Because of that, many priorities in my life have changed. I would say even more so than with the battles I faced last year. I’m not wasting my time fighting unnecessary fights, investing energy in relationships or activities that aren’t going anywhere. But I am giving more time to me, to the people who matter and count in my life, to my health, and most importantly – to my relationship with God. He is ultimately the one who can give me the time I need.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions, my main one – I am still diligently working on. And it seems about every turn of the road another brick wall gets put up in front of me.  In The Last Lecture, Randy writes that brick walls are there for a reason. I’m trying to figure out the reason for mine. I honestly think part of them are to force me to stop and trust God, because that is one thing I haven’t been the best at doing lately. Another reason for them, I think, is to make me want the end result that much more. But one thing I have with a brick wall being put up – is time. Time to figure out how to get over it.

At the end of the day, all we have is time. Time can be on your side or work against you. How will you choose to use it? Don’t wait till the day comes for someone to tell you your days are numbered to start living like it was your last day. And while this year hasn’t started off the way I hoped for, I have time to change the direction in which it goes from this point on.

A Moment to Say, Thanks!

February 3, 2010

It’s only Wednesday and man has this been one emotionally draining week. And with it, I was reminded of some incredible people in my life I just wanted to say thanks to. These are the people that kept me up, kept me moving, kept me smiling and basically – kept me alive during my divorce and thru my heart failure. When you go thru something so life changing, it is so easy to just cut the rest of the world off from you. To hole up. To stick your head in the sand. To be angry at the whole world. To give up. And some key people in my life kept me from doing all of that. When I didn’t want to see the light of day, they threw the curtains back and drug my butt out of bed. When I wanted to be by myself, they grabbed a bottle of wine and a good movie and made sure I wasn’t alone. When I didn’t know if I would ever laugh again, they helped me find my smile. And when I just wanted to throw in the towel, they pushed and challenged me to be better than I was before; and  they grabbed that towel out of my hand.

That is what a true friend is. Someone who will pick you up when you fall flat on your face, love you when your ugly, be your strongest supporter, and never give up on you – even if you give up on yourself. I am so thankful I have people like this in my life. You know who you are, and I do not tell you “thank you” enough. I don’t tell you how much I love you, value you and cherish you being in my life enough. I would not be here today with out you.

You walked with me, footprints in the sand
And helped me understand where I’m going
You walked with me when I was all alone
With so much I know along the way
Then I heard you say
I promise you, I’m always here
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you when you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand
.” -Leona Lewis

For each of you that made that difference in my life, I promise you – I will carry you when you need the friend. You will always find my footprints in the sand, right beside you.

Sit Back & Smoke a Cigar

January 31, 2010

I have been especially sentimental over this last week. Reminiscing….going through old songs on my iPod, photos…… Thinking about what was, what could have been, maybe even what should have been….. A door I thought had closed forever, and probably should be, was re-opened with a mysterious email. Funny how that can take you on a trip down memory lane – some good, some bad.

One place it did lead me was to one of my favorite trips, favorite memories – when Renee and I went to Paris. Nothing but a backpack, a little cash, a Paris guidebook and two open & eager minds to explore the world got on a train and had no idea what was ahead of us. We saw Paris in a way many people never will. The memory that sticks so strongly in my mind was us at the Buddha Bar. It was the first (and only time mind you) I had smoked a Cuban cigar. We had a glass of Cognac to go with it. All dressed up with our cigar and cognac, I felt so sophisticated…cultured…worldly. We were free spirits ready to embark on the city of love and enjoy whatever it had to give us. I didn’t want to let go of that feeling then, and I don’t want to let go of it now. The serenity in just sitting back and enjoying that cigar, without a care in the world of what’s going to happen tomorrow, or if I’ll ever have someone to spend tomorrow with. The bravery to grab him by the hand and go salsa dancing when we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. I miss those times. With all the craziness going on in my life right now, it makes me want to just sit back and smoke a cigar.

For those of you out there that are cigar smokers, please check out my friend’s blog and start following him on facebook and twitter: http://cigarsage.com/
Right now, Cigar Sage has a great giveaway where one lucky winner can get the sampler box from Alec Bradley. So check him out, and become a subscriber. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the lucky winner and we can just sit back  and smoke a cigar.