Salt is Not the Spice of Life’s Blog

Last night a friend said to me that he didn’t want to stress me out anymore than I already was, because he could just see it on my face and tell by my conversation that I was extremely stressed. I couldn’t half way finish a thought. I realized this morning as I was thinking back on this whole week that my patience tank is completely empty. Right now I have zero patience or tolerance for stupidity, insults, whining, bitching, ignornace. And I hate that, because it is not very Christian like of me at all, and its not relying on God the way I should – by handing over my burdens to Him, or simply praying for empathy that is lost, praying for patience that is lost. I don’t know why I am so …… emotional this week? cranky? bitchy? impatient? What I do know is that if you don’t have thick skin then you just need to skip right over this blog. Because I know by writing it I am about to piss alot of people off. But I opened up this website as an avenue to rant, to vent, to learn, to grow, to be able to breathe. And while certain aspects of my personal life are simply off-limits, I really wouldn’t be doing this any justice if I simply talked about how freaking good the roses smelled all the time. Because this week – they stunk.

First, I literally felt like I was on the cusp of HELL this week in Alabama. It was a physically tough week work wise. I went from one end of that damn state to the other. And I honestly mean no offense to people from Alabama, but seriously – what the hell?? Do you not have regular interstates? Why am I having to continually drive on a two lane road to only get stuck behind tractor after tractor? Are there not enough stupid pastures for you to ride in? I came to the conclusion that people in Alabama must have their own language – I call it Bamish. I checked into this one hotel (which I seriouusly contemplated whether it would be safer or cleaner for me to just sleep in my own car that night). With the low sodium diet I have to carry most of my own food with me. I was out of paper plates, so I asked the guy at the front desk if they had any. He said, and I’m not joking, “No, I don’t have any plates, but I have a BAHWEL.” Um… I’m sorry, a what?? “A Bahwel”. He then pulls one out of the drawer. I looked at him and said, “Oh a bowl. See us in normal civilation call this a bowl. B-O, Not A, but O-W-L. Bowl.” I go back to my hotel room, try to get settled in. Oh – let me interject one thing here – did I mention that I had ABSOLUTELY NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE?? Does anyone in that damn state use a cell phone? Because AT&T and Sprint seemed to have a really hard time finding and keeping a signal.  Yeah, see I would get one for about 30 minutes then my phone would search for a signal for the next 2 hours. I could have been dead, stick a fork in her she is done, on the side of the road with no way to call for help. Just wanted to interject that little point. Okay, back to getting settled in my hotel room. All of a sudden I see this huge flame go across my window. I run outside and the damn sidewalk is on fire. Its on fire!! I screamed “WTF????” And this guy looks at me and smiles and says – about to throw a steak on the grill, you want one? Umm… you have the sidewalk on fire. There is a fire outside my hotel room and you want to know if I want a stupid steak?? What is wrong with you people?? I guess in a normal town maybe there would be a steak restaurant?? But not here. So if the stupid hotel had burned down, I couldn’t have used my cell phone to call the fire department. The next morning as I am trying to leave this town on the two-lane road that covers this whole freakin state, I get stuck behind a funeral procession. Because one of the 5 people that lived here died??? And you can’t pull over on the side of the road, as is customary in the South, because you may hit a damn cow. I get back to Atlanta only to realize I was in the part of Alabama where that man went crazy and started killing everyone. So I felt like a big Asshole for complaining about being stuck behind the funeral procession….. But none-the-less, I will be just fine if I don’t see another cow, tractor, pasture or Burger King that has camuoflauged seats for a very long time.

Now that was just the work part of my week. Lets talk about some of the other things that I have lost my patience for.

Why are people so damn pushy these days?? Its like when they want something, they want it on their timeframe no matter what, regardless of the implications it has on you. Who cares that you may already have plans those weekends? Who cares that you have a family to think about and obligations to take care of? They obviously don’t seem to care about that, because you see – they decided what they want, and they want it NOW. End of story. Even if it means you can now officially call them, oh – a stalker for how obsessive they are being.  Well… I guess I have just lost my patience for that. If you can’t have understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around you, then why should I?

No means NO! If I say I can’t drink alcohol right now, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again if I want a drink. If I say there are certain foods I cannot eat anymore, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again if I want to eat these foods. If I say there are certain activities I cannot do right now, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again to do them. If I say no, I mean NO. This isn’t like some little Weight Watcher diet where if I splurge and eat a few extra points then I can just work out an extra hour or two to burn off the calories. THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE PEOPLE! I hate to be so blunt and vulgar, but damnit. This is my heart. This isn’t an extra pound I can get off, this is my hearts ability to keep pumping. Which just in case you forgot, KEEPS ME ALIVE. This isn’t a damn game to be played with. And for the life of me, I don’t understand why people don’t understand that???? I don’t mind if someone ask me if I want a drink. But when I say no, then drop it. Don’t sarcastically tell me, “Oh, one won’t hurt you.” (and this isn’t just with alcohol – I get it with food, with exercise, with everything I am not allowed or supposed to do right now) Really? Really??? Because you’ve looked at my last echo and can see something different than my cardiologist saw? Because if I can’t get my heart function stronger than I have to get a pacemaker to force my heart to pump correctly since it doesn’t seem to want to do it on its own. Now can you please tell me what part of that is a joke? What part of that is a laughing matter?? What part of that is not serious? Its exhausting. I would not ask an alcoholic if they wanted a drink, would you? I would not ask a recovering cocaine addict if they wanted a hit, would you? I wouldn’t hand a pack of cigarettes to someone who finally quit smoking, would you? I wouldn’t ask someone allergic to peanuts if they wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, would you? I wouldn’t ask a diabetic if they wanted a pound of sugar, would you? So why am I any different????

And please let me dispell a little myth that seems to be out there right now. Just because I have to travel every week with my job does not mean that travel is easy for me or that I just love it or that it means I can just hop on a plane and go see everyone. I would love for you to carry my damn suitcase now when I travel. I have to take my scale with me everywhere I go, my blood pressure monitor, enough pills to kill a freaking zoo, and most all of my food for the length of time I am gone. Do you realize how difficult that is? And lets not even touch on the fact of how tired I stay half the time because I still haven’t gotten back all of my energy I lost from my heart going into failure in the first damn place.

I honestly was going to let all of this just go this week until I logged on to check facebook, email, myspace and saw where someone had written a blog about breaking up with their boyfriend. This blog went on about how their life was just going to be over, they couldn’t breathe, what do you do when the life you envisioned for yourself isn’t going to happen?? Now again, let me remind you before you read any further that my patience tank is flat empty, dry as a whistle. Are you freaking kidding me? You and your boyfriend broke up and you think your life is over? And here is the ironic part, this blog set me off, but lately I have heard the dumbest complaints from people. Let me give you a little reality check. You want to hear about a potential life being over??? Let me tell you about a friend of mine’s mother who got diagnosed with cancer. She fought for her life through chemo and raditation, they didn’t know if she was going to make it. Finally gets into remission only to find out a couple months ago that the poisonous monster cancer is back and she has to go through this all over again, fighting for her life. FOR HER LIFE. And you think your life is over because you and your stupid boyfriend broke up??? GROW UP! Here’s another one for you – how about my friend from high school who stopped to helped a stranded pedestrian only to get hit by a car. She is a single mom who is in a wheelchair, can’t work, needs multiple surgeries to get better, still has a son to take care of and a pile of medical bills higher than you are tall. And you think you have it tough because someone who evidentally treated you like shit in the first place broke up with you??? How about my good friend who got diagnosed with a delibitating disease last year, only to find out 4 weeks ago that her entire life is falling apart?? Out of respect for her privacy I am not going to write about the details. But let me just say if you think you “can’t breathe” because of a “broken heart” from the little boyfriend leaving, then your entire body would SHATTER into a million pieces never to be repaired if you had to face her dilemna’s right now.

Like I said, my patience tank is really on empty right now. There is a saying to always be careful how you treat people because everyone has their issues. And thats true. But sometimes I think we all need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around us, and there are people facing much bigger issues and problems than could ever go on in our lives. So before you decide to bitch and complain about your life, take a good hard look at it. You may already have the life that others only dream of. And you may have the very life that some people are about to completely lose. So instead of bitching, be thankful for it.

Ever since December there has been one point about my health that has been driving me up the wall. A “misnomer” I feel. See I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. But I should make something very, very clear – this does not mean I am a failure and it does not mean my heart is a failure. I think it should be called Congestive Heart Temporary Disability! My heart has trouble pumping blood on its own to the rest of my body. But outside of that, my heart still has every capacity to love and be loved. So how does this mean failure? No matter how broken medically my heart is, it will always be whole with Christ in it. So how does this mean failure? From a medical perspective, my heart takes a step back and I adjust my meds, my diet, my plan of attack to get it stronger as fast as possible. How does that mean failure?

God tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us. And I am living proof that God can step in where science ends. So how does this mean failure? Because God doesn’t fail.

And if you simply just look at my life over the last decade or two. How many times has life or Reality (my main opponent right now) tried to knock me down, sweep me off my feet, devastate me, push me around???? And every time, every time I bounce right back in Reality’s face with an answer. So how does this mean failure? Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” That is the approach I am taking with my heart right now. I am not going to fail my heart, and I will not allow my heart to fail. I am finding a couple of approaches that aren’t working on keeping it pumping strongly on its own in the right manner. Great! Now I know a couple of approaches not to waste my time on anymore.

Elbert Hubbard said there is no failure except no longer trying. And I must keep my mom’s nickname for me always current – I’m a cork! You can push me down but I always pop back up.  Failure was never an option in my family and its not one now. I may try 10,000 wrong ways till I find the right one for my heart. But I will always keep trying.

Henry Ford said that failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. If you can’t learn from your past mistakes, then you can never grow stronger in the future. And the simple act of beginning again – how is that considered failure?

So you see, I think we need to petition the American Medical Association to rename this disease. Its not failure! Its simply finding 10,000 that aren’t working, till we find the one that does.  And everyday that I wake up and my heart takes just one beat, one pump – its a winner! Because it means I am still alive. And that my friend, is definitely not failure!

Isn’t it amazing the difference a child can make in one’s life? For everyone I have ever known that has become a mother, one of the common themes is that they never truly knew love until they had a child. And for many, that child’s love is what opens their heart back up to the world, to hope, to God. But who would have guessed that a little child’s action could set into motion the gift to Pay it Forward?

I was just given the most amazing gift I think anyone has ever done for me. (Well, besides the obvious of my parent’s giving me life and Christ dying on the cross for me). Some of my family – the Campen/Ollard clan decided this year for Christmas that instead of giving each other gifts they would do something meaningful for someone else. And I was that someone else. Never in a million years would I have ever guessed someone or a group of people would do something so impactful in my life. My Aunt, Uncle, Cousins, their Spouses, Kids and Dogs (the entire Campen/Ollard clan) all got together and set up a medical seed fund for me. Its an account that anyone can contribute to and hopefully over time grow, gain interest and be there to help pay for my medical bills when I need it. My greatest fear in this life is that the day will come when I can’t afford insurance or my medical treatments. And for me, that could mean going back into a wheelchair or me not being able to protect my heart and keep it pumping.  I’m not scared of death (man I even challenge it at times…), I’m not scared of spending the rest of my life alone – I’m scared of needing medicine or some treatment and not having the money to afford it. And because I all too often allow my pride to get in the way, I would never ask my family for money. Now don’t get me wrong, I know my parents and my sister would give me anything I needed – they have offered time and time again. But I would still never ask, and never take.

On Thursday I went to see my cardiologist and get an update on how my heart is doing. The news came back that my heart is getting worse, not better. And there is a good chance my MS meds may be the cause, again. I damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I don’t know how, but these two demons inside of me battling for my soul (MS and CHF) are going to have to find a way to co-exist, without killing me. I have been working so hard to follow a strict low sodium diet, careful not to push myself too much (although my parents would disagree). But I am human, I am 31-yrs old and I need to just let loose and have fun sometimes as well. So for everyone who has been wondering if I can just take a pill and this go away – the answer is very clearly NO. Every decision I make – how much I sleep, how I sleep, every piece of food I eat, what I drink, how much or little I drink, if I am too stressed, how much I exert myself in a day directly effects my heart. It is no longer a matter of simply making the decision each day that I will get out of bed, regardless of if I am walking or not (which was the last 12 years of my life). I have to make the choice to live everyday. It is now having to make the choice everyday to get up and LIVE. And consciously make the decisions that are right for my heart’s health instead of what my brain may want to do (like thinking its okay to have just one Jack and Coke, or splurge here and there and have that fried chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A). I slip up and my heart pays the price. While my heart has gotten worse, the good news is that we don’t feel it is irreversible. And the humbling lesson I have learned is that maybe, just maybe I am not invincible.

So now my point as to how these two events come together. I am a firm believer that God works in funny ways. As I said before, never in a million years would I have ever guessed that a group of people would do something like this medical fund for me. This fund has laid the foundation to take away my greatest fear in life. And the simple words of saying thank you will not do it justice. What set this ball in motion was the actions of my cousin’s daughter, Alex, who decided to give her birthday money to the local animal shelter instead of buying toys for herself. That selfless act inspired a family to give me the gift of life. See, all of this came at a point when I feel I could have just given up and thrown in the towel on this fight. And at a time where I am fiercely fighting my insurance company to cover my medical claims – they have now decided to deny every one of my insurance claims dealing with my heart and my MS. (I must interject a side note here, I ask that you take that statement of ‘throwing in the towel’ with a grain of salt – literally. It’s really easy to sit on the sidelines and judge how someone can just give up or say they are going to give up. We all know that I will never truly give up, but don’t think the thought doesn’t pass thru my mind at times. “Oh you’re too young to give up Lindsey.” “You are such a fighter” “This too shall pass”. Yeah, well come live a day in my hell sometime and then you can appreciate that statement. When the core of who you are gets constantly tackled, and when you are told the very things that make you feel alive in this world you have to kiss goodbye, then you can judge that statement.) If the Campen/Ollard clan believes enough in me to do this selfless act, then I will believe enough in myself not to let them down – ever. No matter what the price, no matter what the personal consequences are in my life (another blog for another day..) I will make the right choices for my heart’s health; I will make the choice everyday to not just get out of bed but to LIVE in the manner that will keep me alive. If a child can act so selflessly, then I have no right to act selfishly. And I will keep this ball moving forward.

First, if anyone wants to know what to get me for my birthday or Christmas, or any other holiday you feel you want to buy me a present, then make a donation into this medical fund. The way it is set up, anyone can donate to it, but only I and my Aunt Trisha can make withdrawals. And the money can only be used for medical bills and treatments. I don’t want anyone to think I am going to run off to Mexico and drink myself to death off tequila with this money. If you would like to know how to make a deposit, send me an email (lindseybowyer@gmail.com) and I will give you the instructions. It’s done anonymously, so I will never know who or how much you deposit unless you decide to tell me.

And now about keeping this ball rolling……
Again, the simple words of “thank you” cannot do this gift justice. So here is how I am saying thank you to the Campen/Ollard Clan. I promise that I will do everything in my power to stay healthy and to live – no matter how bad it gets, no matter how tough it may be. But I will also pass this gift you have given me on to as many people as I can.

The first is to my cousin Jeanie. I am walking with her on March 7^th to raise money for MARR – a treatment facility for addiction that saved Jeanie’s life. I was so honored to be with her about a month ago when she gave her 15-month sobriety speech. Listening to her battles in life, the simple fact that she is still alive after all she has been thru – is true strength. The fact that she had to get up everyday, look her demons straight in the face and not only say no, but make the decision everyday to live and stay alive is a testament to her willpower and determination, but also to the fact that we can do all things thru Christ! This treatment facility saved Jeanie’s life. I am very selfish in saying this, but they gave me my cousin back. And so I am walking because I am so damn proud of Jeanie, to remind her to be proud of herself and continue this fight, and to help raise money so that others that battle addiction can get the help they need and want, but may not be able to afford it. If you would like to make a donation for the walk, here is a link to the flyer à http://www.marrinc.org/calendar_upload/WRCRegFlyer09.pdf  Just send a check made out to MARR, Inc to the address on the flyer. And in the “For:” section on your check, write For Jeannie H!! Check out their website, there are other events coming up that you can also participate in.

The second, (and by no means the last… – this is just the start of things…) is a Benefit for Jen. I don’t know if this link will work if you are not on facebook à http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/event.php?eid=129280365061&ref=share
Jennifer is a friend I went to high school with. Not too long ago she was on her way to Asheville to pick up her son and stopped to help a stranded motorist.  While helping she was struck by a car. Fortunately her life was spared, but she is a single mom who now cannot work and needs multiple surgeries to recuperate. This benefit is to raise money for her medical and living expenses. It’s March 19^th from 6-10pm at Zen in downtown Greenville, SC. If you cannot make the event, you can still donate money to help Jen. If you do not live in Greenville or cannot attend A Benefit for Jen at Zen event you can still help out by making a direct donation via paypal or mail:
Paypal:
http://www.paypal.com-Then send to email address @ fullmoonkayaking@aol.com
Mail:
P.O. Box 743 Simpsonville SC 29681. Make check payable to Jennifer Benedict.
ALL donations are to help Jennifer with her living expenses & med bills.
I’m trying to rearrange my schedule so I can be in Greenville for that date. Please come join me, or help me in raising money for Jen. She did a selfless act for a complete stranger and is now fighting for her life.

In spite of the life altering diseases God has blessed me with in this life; I truly am a very lucky woman. And I am serious when I say He has blessed me with these. My life would not be the same, and I have learned so much (and continue learning) from these little gifts. I would not be able to have the strength I do without God in my heart, life and soul and without the love and support of my parents. The Campen/Ollard Clan has reminded me of so much that I need to be thankful for. And for the gift of life they have chosen me for, I will Pay it Forward. My prayer is that you will join me in this too.

To the Campen/Ollard Clan – I love you all more than you know. For the first time in my life, you made me speechless!!

Sorry it has been awhile since posting a new blog. I’ve had a little bit of writer’s block and there has been a lot going on.

So…. remember the old saying ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover”?? I think we were all raised with that one. Things are not always what they seem. I’ve been meditating alot on that statement lately. over the last month or so, I’ve had various comments made to me, and experiences that I felt maybe I should clear up some misconceptions that might be out there. I want to preface this blog that this is not directed towards any one person, this is a culmination of comments and experiences that I just need to clarify somethings…. Maybe if nothing else, I am clarifying them for myself.

1. Heart failure is the same as having a heart attack.
Nope. I didn’t have a heart attack, so I can’t talk about what that feels like or everything it involves. What I can tell you is about MY heart failure. Heart failure is when the heart muscle becomes weakened after injury from something like a heart attack or high blood pressure (or in my case – chemotherapy) and loses its ability to pump enough blood to supply the body’s needs. The ejection fraction (EF) is the percent of blood that your heart pumps out to the rest of the body per beat. The normal heart’s EF is 55-60%.

2. I’m dying.
Heart failure does not necessarily mean that my heart has stopped working, is about to stop working or that I’m having a heart attack. Many people live long, healthy and normal lives with heart failure. That is my goal. If I don’t watch my sodium intake, various environmental factors, etc then I can get into trouble really fast. But I am not going to drop dead tomorrow, and well… if I do – my will is in place. Which leads me to my next one…

3. Because I wrote out my will I am giving up.
That is the farthest thing from the truth. I am simply being a responsible adult. I have a condition that could one day cause me to lose my life before my parents, so I need my affairs to be in order. There is a chance one day I may be in a state where I am unable to make medical decisions for myself and need to make sure I have an advocate who can legally speak on my behalf. This is not me giving up the fight, this is me making the necessary precautions to ensure myself and my estate are protected. As Woody Allen said, “I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

4. A low sodium diet is as simple as not adding salt to your food.
Man do I wish that were actually the truth. My life would be SOOOOOOOOO much easier. No, its not that simple. Salt is just one component in the mix. You have hidden sodium in many foods that is an enemy.  (bread being on of the biggest culprits, along with anything frozen).  The only way to 100% control my sodium intake is for me to make every last piece of food I eat. Realistically I can’t do that. (so my awesome mother has made me lots of food I store in my freezer…) Your typical fast food value meal combo will be about two days worth of my sodium allotment. But the simple act of not shaking a little bit of the white stuff on my food isn’t going to cut it, isn’t going to get my heart stronger and isn’t going to keep the fluid out of my chest. I have to cut out sodium.  And if you feel there is NO way on God’s green earth you could live that way, then that’s fine – but you can keep that opinion to yourself. Because this is my life, I don’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t get the luxury anymore to add a little salt to spice things up. (which by the way, red pepper always worked better anyways…)

5. It has the American Heart Association seal on it – so its safe for you. Or it says “Low Sodium” so I can eat it.
NOPE!  Heart failure is just one area of heart disease. I am affected by sodium. But others have to watch their cholesterol levels very closely. Some foods that have the AHA seal are low in cholesterol, but over my limit for sodium. Also, many foods advertise that they are “low sodium”, but its still more sodium than I can have. A good example is chicken broth. The average chicken broth has over 900 mg of sodium in 1 cup. That’s my entire day’s allotment of sodium. Now you look at the package advertised as lower sodium chicken broth and its still 700 mg  per cup. My gauge for eating is it needs to be 100mg or less per serving. I am thankful that many manufacturers are going lower sodium, but they are going to need to bring it down a few more levels before I can consider it.

6. But I don’t look sick…
Actually, thank you. I do love that comment. No one wants to look sick.  But unfortunately underneath this glowing skin are two demons battling everyday for my soul. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean I don’t feel like shit. I try very hard everyday to carry on the most normal of lives. And I try to stay as healthy as I can. Most people can tell when I don’t feel good, but for anymore TSA agents out there who are feeling a little bullish – listen up = DO NOT insult me with that statement and ask me to show you all my medicine to prove I have heart failure. You don’t have the slightest clue what any of those pills do for my heart, and furthermore you probably can’t even properly pronouce their names. When you can explain to me what a betablocker is then maybe, just maybe I will give you one ounce of credit and respect in regards to that statement.

7. Because I’m tired I must be really lazy.
Ha! PALLLEEEEEZZZEE! If I’m tired its because either my MS is acting up, or my heart is not keeping up with me. I operate at 90mph on a constant basis and don’t allow myself the rest I should. Here lately, or sense the little December fiasco, I have been tired. I am still adjusting to having heart failure, I’m trying to get my heart stronger so I can go back to the life I had…. (and I will get there). And if you really do think I am lazy, then come walk a mile in my shoes.

8. Because I write this blog, any topic of my life is open for discussion.
No people. I do realize by having this website that I open my life up for some type of scrutiny. But that does not mean I will write about every aspect of my life on here (there are some things that are personal), and that doesn’t mean I will even talk to you about everything in my life. Let me just clarify here – my divorce is not a topic open for discussion.

9. I am a china doll that is about to break.
Again, NOPE. Trust me, I do have thick skin, inspite of what some people think. I can and have taken beatings in my life, so this fight is no different. Just because I get knocked around a little bit doesn’t mean I am out for the count. I may take a step backwards today but can run a mile forward tomorrow. The only thing that needs protecting right now is my heart because its been injured and is trying to recover, but I as a person am just fine. I don’t need things sugar coated, I don’t need everything laid out on a silver platter for me. I am not going to and will not break.

10. And lastly…. This will just go away.
OOOhhhhhh, if only it would! I would go streaking thru the streets of New York if that could happen. Until they have a way to repair the damage done to my heart, this isn’t going away. Same with the MS – until there is a cure, this isn’t going away. I will live with both of these diseases until the day I die (or until they have cures…).  And I have to come to a place of peace about that (that is kinda going back to the whole chinadoll statement). I’m tougher than people think. I may stumble several times along the way, but I will handle this.

I know my blog about “Somewhere there is a village missing its idiot” scared people from asking me questions or inquiring how I am. I don’t want that to scare people, and I don’t want this blog to scare you either. Sarcasm is alot of how I deal with stupidity at times.  Some of these misconceptions are honest ones that I felt needed to be cleared up, and some are me just being sarcastic to events that have occured over the last month or so.. I’m pretty sure you can decipher which is which.

So… the past couple of days have been some of those weird “Ah-hah Moment” kinda days. As you first start reading this you are probably going to think I am having a “Woah is me-pity party”, but stick with me kids and you will get to my point.

When I was in my young 20’s (okay, damn – first that makes me sound old… and second I sound like one of my parents – when I was your age…) anyways – back in my young 20’s just out of college a lot of my friends were getting married and picking out china patterns. I was picking out the color and style seat cushion I wanted for my wheelchair. (and to this day it baffles me why I didn’t pick orange…) Years later as my friends started having kids and learning to drive those mini-vans they swore they would never drive, I was learning to drive with hand controls. Because my legs wouldn’t work more than they would. Now I’m in my 30’s and my friends are planning that next house purchase or the next sibling to add to the group, and I’m writing my will and planning for my death on the off chance I don’t beat the odds. It is a very humbling experience to write out what you want done with your body because chances are you will die before your parents. Now don’t get me wrong here people – I am not giving up. I will fight this until my heart gives its very last pump. But it would be very irresponsible of me not to go ahead and make arrangements. As my Dad always says, “We plan for the worst and hope for the best.”

So yesterday I was absolutely terrified driving to my attorney’s office. I always have my ipod and normally can find any song to pump me up or capture my mood. But not yesterday. It was just dead silence… How do you tell someone when you are only 31-yrs old what to do with your estate?? (and again, don’t get any whacky ideas out there people – there isn’t a hell of a lot to my estate. But what is there is being left in very good hands..) How do you know if you want to be buried or cremated – where to spread your ashes?? (ok, honestly – that was an easy one for me…) I mean shit – at this age I should be planning out my next kid’s nursery colors, not what type of damn urn to put my ashes in. (and before any wise cracks are made you have probably already guessed – yes there is a stipulation that the urn must have an orange “T” on it somewhere and some of my ashes are to be spread at Neyland Stadium, where my heart will always remain..)

So now to the point of all of this. As terrified as I was yesterday, I took a deep breath, looked down at my shirt and rode the Redneck Ninja Wave into the attorney’s office with no more fear. Yesterday, in my own little world, I was a Redneck Ninja.

Redneck Ninja’s is a concept my friend Drew Bates created. (see Drew’s website –> http://www.drewbates.com) I want to make sure you get the full idea of what this awesome creation is, so I’m just going to copy the words right off of Drew’s website: “The idea behind Redneck Ninja: Being rural but really adept at the things you love. Country fried warriors who struggle to function in the modern world. Somehow by skill or luck they always manage to save the day. They are masters of Qi, hillbilly fighting – they stick out like pink flamingo lawn ornaments.” And with the talented and creative animation by Jasen Strong (link to blog on the side, website –> http://jasenstrong.artstooge.com) he brought Drew’s concept to life. Gave his vision legs to walk right off the page and into my life.

There is something about this concept that just clicks with me, makes me feel like I have these superhuman powers… like one of his characters by either skill or luck I always manage to somehow make it through the day. And there are so many different levels that I connect with Drew’s creation. Raised to rebuild Jeeps, but trained under the strict discipline of Tae Kwon Do. Groomed with the manners, grace and style of being a Southern Belle but taught to shoot a rifle. Even the name Redneck Ninja resonates so strongly with me. I have that sweet, southern accent but pack a powerful punch. Its like the Ying to the Yang…. Maybe it has something to due with the fact that most of my life people have called me a redneck because I wore camouflaged boots, took auto mechanics, had the single best Jeep Spring Valley High School had ever seen (don’t deny it guys – you know its true. And I also know you used to call my Dad to come pull you out of the mud when I wasn’t home. Ha – ametuers!!) But underneath that “country-fried” facade was a secret ninja who had been training all of her life for what she didn’t know at the time would be THE fight of her life.

On my myspace page under hero’s I have my Dad – as a cancer survivor & the strongest man I have ever known, he has taught me more about how to be a true fighter in mind, body and spirit.  While he is a third degree black belt and could bench press most of you reading this (I know that last comment just probably killed my next date…) what sticks so strongly with me were the lessons that there are more ways to fight the enemy than just with your fist. That is the easy way out, and not what will let you endure in this life. Redneck Ninja!!

Redneck Ninja is like my battle cry right now. The Scotts cried “Freedom” before they ran onto the battlefield. I scream “Redneck Ninja”!! So Drew…. I’m sorry buddy, but your stuck with me for awhile. Ha! And if you’re reading this – I think you need to make a poster I can put up in my office just as a reminder on those days things get a little tough around here…

You can read more about Redneck Ninja’s by going to Drew’s website. Also, 10% of the proceeds go to the Quad Fund – so buy your shirts!! I have two already–>  http://www.cafepress.com/uniquepubllc

Drew – thank you for giving me a battle cry! And Dad – thank you for being my hero, my inspiration, someone to look up to. Thank you for teaching me the lessons I fought so hard not to learn, I would not be the fighter I am today without them, or without you!

Redneck Ninja’s!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm…. doesn’t sound very romantic does it? Well, if you have seen the movie Twilight it’s enough to make you cock your head to the side and say, “Bite Me!!” I never thought I would get hooked on these high school drama books. But what an awesome concept = the one thing you want more in the world is the one thing that could kill you. The one person you feel that gives you life is the one person that will most likely cause your death. So if you haven’t seen the movie or read the book, you’re probably asking how this can be a love story?

To love someone so much that you are willing to truly trust them wiht your life. Knowing that the one thing they feed on, the one thing that can keep them alive is your blood. And for that person to love you so much that they can control this monstrous urge they are born and bred on, because bring with you is more important than feeding on the essence that keeps them alive.

I think most all of us have had boyfriend or girlfriend relationships. Some can say they have truly been in love. But have you experienced that kind of intense passion and ultimate trust that pushes you to the very limits of your being? Can you honestly say you trust your mate with your life and can hand it over to them – like Bella does Edward?

So now lets move to who wants to be a millionaire. When you find “the one” don’t you feel like you’ve won a million dollars? If you haven’t seen SlumDog Millionaire, it’s another one I recommend. Put aside the cultural aspects of how the West views India or vice-versa. What broke thru in this movie to me was this underlying love story that every girl dreams of. The notion that you know the very second your eyes meet that you were destined to be together. The noble pursuit of a man doing whatever it takes, against all odds (and trust me – he was up against some big odds to get Latika), to lay down his life – not only to find and be with her, but so that she can have one too. To walk thru life for years and years searching for her because she is all that resides in his heart. Now, I don’t want to mislead you here – there are other political undertones and themes entertwined into the basis of the movie. It’s the American dream in India – that an orphan can rise from the ashes to greatness. But again, for me, it was the love story that grabbed hold of me as tightly as the seatbelt grabs you in a car accident and stops your breathe for a minute.

Can you imagine knowing that kind of true love? Can you imagine someone searching for it for years and years because no one else could ever take that place in their heart?

I don’t know why I am so obsessed with these two movies right now. Maybe it’s because it’s late, I can’t sleep and I’m laying here in an empty bed (for those of you that have gone thru divorce you know exactly what I’m talking about). Maybe it’s because after having my heart broken so badly I’m trying to find any reason or sign to believe that true love really does exsist in this world and it’s not just a Hollywood mirage. Maybe it’s because Friday is National Wear Red Day to make a stance against heart disease and its one more reminder to me that my heart is broken in more ways than just by love. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I get to celebrate that day of love with me, myself and I. Or maybe because if I believe in these movies, believe that there are men who can possess this kind of love & intensity then one day there will be hope for me.

After weather delays and what felt like forever in the airport, I finally made it back to Atlanta. I have to say I found my Milwaukee trip to be somewhat ironic. See, with MS I would go in every month for an IV of steriods. This would “recharge” my battery so to speak. It (along with my shots) were enough to keep me mobile and kicking. Wait… lets not forget the one who truly charges my battery – God!

Ever since I got out of the hospital in Dec, I have felt like I’ve lost my mind. I’m always so worried about having my heart meds that I forget everyday things. (Some of you reading this will simply say it has nothing to do with the heart failure and everything to do with being Cathy’s daughter.. Right now I disagree…) Anyways, this trip I left my cell phone chargers. And as you can guess, my cell phone batteries died. No juice!!

I wasn’t able to catch the earlier flight back to Atlanta so I hopped on my computer to catch up on emails and well… play on facebook a little. What happens next – my computer battery dies! I had the charger with me, but sometimes finding an outlet in an airport is like finding a needle in a haystack. And speaking of needles, total side note but I know the guy sitting next to me does botox. He has to – absolutely no wrinkles and nothing on his face is moving. Besides that he is reading the National Enquirer…..

Ok, back to my point – is this one of life’s little lessons? Symbolically trying to tell me I need to recharge my battery? I know I do. All my numbers this week for my heart were off.  I adjusted meds to help until I could get back to Atlanta and now I will take a little break from travel. I’ll still be working, just not be the road warrior I’ve been here lately.

And reality – don’t think for one minute this means you are winning. It simply means I am recharging my battery. You tried really hard to shake me this week and it didn’t work. It was 6degrees and I wasn’t tempted by that steaming hot bowl of jalapeno cheddar potato soup. I had a lunch meeting at this great little hamburger joint and I stuck with my grilled chicken. And that was a tough one – those burgers smelled delicious!! In my excitement in the airport I dropped my snack to hold me over until I got home (and the airport is not one of those places you institute the 5-second rule). While I was hungry I didn’t indulge in the Pizza Hut it felt like the rest of the plane bought. You didn’t rattle me, you didn’t shake me. And you know what else…. even though my stupid GPS took me in about 500 circles to get back to the airport I didn’t get road rage! Ha!! So how’s this little fight against my stresses working for you????

They say that your dreams are a microscope into your soul. If that’s true, then let me tell you about the real dream I had last night, a little insight into my soul. I had my gi on (for those who don’t know its your karate uniform), I was up next to fight in the tournament. Master Ahn was giving me some last minute coaching when the ref called me to the matt. I could feel the intensity building up in my chest. I could feel my feet harden over the coldness of the matt. I’m looking at my opponent, who I assume is you reality, but the face is blacked out. All of a sudden this huge rush of adrenaline hits me and I explode. I knocked you out with one of the most beautiful spinning back kicks. I felt my foot crsuh thru your ribs just as clearly as I can feel this key I type on right now.

Look really close into that microscope reality – you will see a soul that is determined to fight you to the death. You may have taken away some of my former luxeries, but you won’t take my life. I’ll recharge my battery next week and be ready for battle again. This is far from over…..

Well, well, well…. Reality you’ve been a little quiet here lately. Trying to regoup? Actually trying to find a group to help you fight? You’re not big enough or strong enough to take my little butt down by yourself so you recuit reinforcements? Fine – BRING IT ON!! Bring-It-On!!

I’ve tried to forewarn you that I was raised in karate. I even went so far as to tell you one of my favorite martial artists to study under – Bruce Lee. And yet, you still don’t get it. You think adding all of these people here over the last week and a half to attack me would work? Obviously you know NOTHING about training to get your black belt. With each belt you move up, you fight more people at one time. So bring it on. Throw as many at me as you think you need to – you still won’t win.

Obviously we are back in the ring again. I knocked you out pretty fast in Round 3 last time. I can see you’ve tried to train a little, you’re throwing me some good punches. However, I can also see that this time you really want to play dirty. But this is far from over. And don’t think the referree is going to start counting me out just yet. You couldn’t win on the food angle, so you’re hitting up my stress level as much as you can. I’m going to tell you right now that I didn’t fight like hell to get out of that wheelchair, to get off of my walker and put my cane away to let a “group” of people (or YOU) be able to bring me down for good.  (sidenote for people who may be a little confused right now, my doctor has told me I do not know how to relax. And this is a key aspect for my heart to get stronger – to just relax…..Reality has decided to launch the next battle with me by attacking certain stresses in my life)

One characteristic that made Bruce Lee such a powerful martial artists is that he knew how to read his opponent. He could anticipate your move before you even threw it. And he knew how to instantly turn strength into power. And his philosophies on life were just as powerful and magnectic as he was. Here is the one I have really been meditating on lately:  “Be Formless, shapeless like water. Now if you put water into a cup it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle, you put it into a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash, be water my friend.”

Here is where I got such a good laugh at our latest little fist fight. I’ve been angry about this in my mind, its caused me to lose sleep…. and when I landed in Atlanta this afternoon and got off the plane – two songs played back to back at random on my ipod. You all know how strongly I connect with music. And these two songs gave me back this fighting spirit that was silently resting. Things were starting to go so well I had almost forgotten you were still there Reality. Not anymore!

“Do you fee like a man when you push her around
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground……

Face Down in the dirt
She said this doesn’t hurt
She said
I’VE FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!”
Song: Facedown by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

“I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice as I shout it out loud
It’s my life, it’s now or never
And I ain’t gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life, my heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
IT’S MY LIFE!”
Song: It’s My Life by Bon Jovi

I’m cracking my knuckles getting ready to land the next blow. You think I’m facedown, well – this doesn’t hurt! I’ve had freakin enough and you better hear my voice loud and clear because it’s MY life not yours to mess with!

So this is a little bit of an expansion on my last blog about how everyone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I got an interesting email from my mom, its one of those forwards that has a cute message and then asks you to send it on to 12 more people. As much as those type of emails normally annoy me, the message it was rather profound for me. Here is the email (and I cut out the part where you have to forward… so you are officially excempt!)

“God doesn’t  give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED   –  To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make  you into the person you were meant to be. Dear  God:   The lady  reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her.  Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to  excel above her expectations.  Help her shine in the darkest places  where it is impossible to love.  Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe.”

Many times in my life I have made the comment – I know God put you in my life for a reason. But that was always with pepople that were involved in some kind of support system in my life, or there for some momentous event. People who were there for good times and bad. I’ll give you an example, one of my best friends had a bad divorce in her life. I met her not too long before I got a divorce and we instantly became friends. When I found out I was getting a divorce, I just knew God had put her in my life to help me get thru that tough time. She was right there beside me without hesitation and many times just knew all the right things to say. (Thanks Pam!!) Here’s another one: my cousin’s wife, Tiffany. He probably thinks God made her as the love of his life. But I think God put her in his life to find me (I’m half-way joking here people…) She has become one of my closest and best friends too, has been one of my biggest supporters and I couldn’t ask for a better person to be in my life. Both of these girls I am so grateful for to have in my life. And I feel so strongly, God put them in my life for a reason – to enhance my life, to help make my life better, He knew I needed them & they were there.

But what about the people who hurt you? The ones who leave you? I’ve never sat back and looked at it from the perspective that God put them in your life because you need them too. Maybe just like the people yesterday who got up on the wrong side of the bed. God was putting them in my life as a way to remind me that I need to slow down, I need to just take a deep breathe, I need to remember the bigger picture of whats important in life? I guess my mom’s email had such a significant impact on me because I have been struggling with some nasty attitudes and ugly relationships here lately. Some have been professional ones from a work perspective and some have been close, personal ones that sting deeply. One relationship in particular has really had me baffled. On the outside this person puts up the appearance they care for me and are truly concerned about my well being. But on the inside they have done everything possible to sabatoge our friendship and my trust in them. And it seems like everytime I turn around I get slapped in the face with more hate from this person.

But God feels I need this person in my life? God feels I need those other ugly relationships that I don’t understand and would prefer to just cut off. Is it to teach me mercy – like the mercy He gives me? Is it to teach me compassion – like the kind He always has for me? Is it to teach me forgiveness – how He has forgiven me? Is it to teach me sacrifice – because He made the ultimate sacrifice for me?

I lash out at God. I say horrible things under my breath when I’m mad, I talk about Him behind His back, I challenge His wisdom, authority and guidance all the time. I’ve turned my back on him in the past and run as far and fast as I can. And yet, everytime when I am ready, He has accepted me back with open arms. Not once has He waivered His love for me, not once has lessened His support. He has always stood right there beside me and forgiven me without another thought to it.

Is this why we need the people who hurt us in our life? And if God has that kind of capacity, why can’t I even have a small percent of that capacity in my heart? Just something I’ve been thinking about… and something weighing on my heart. While I have been making all these changes in my life, I want to make sure they are changes for the good, changes in the right direction. And its so easy for me to just cut off someone who deeply hurts me, but is that really the right thing to do?

How is all of this making me a better person?

Ever have one of those days you just say, “Man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed!” I know I did today. All my numbers were off for my heart, all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep and I had a stupid plane to catch. This week of travel has just caught up with me I guess….  So I wasn’t in the best of moods leaving town this morning. And it appears that half of Atlanta was in a bad mood too. I will tell you I think that flight attendant will think twice about her answer next time someone asks for those little bottles of water.

What is wrong with people? I may have been in a bad mood this morning, but the only one who really knew it were the drivers on the road that could actually hear me yell at their stupid driving. Well…. and that flight attendant got the message LOUD and CLEAR that I was not happy with her. But seriously people, either everyone in this world needs to get on happy pills or we just need to learn to take days off when you are in a seriously pissy mood.  I know getting upset over stupid stuff is not good for my heart. I’m working on it, (but part of this is just a big sign to me that my heart is getting better since I’m fighting back…). I’m not saying we need to live in this big world of harmony and peace all of the time – this is America, thats just impossible.

But people, can we agree to just chill out a little  bit? Ever see the movie pay if forward? Or what about that insurance commercial where one person stops another from getting hit so then that person does something nice for someone else…. Is that concept really too big for us to grasp our arms around?

Ugh…. America – we are going to lead ourselves to strokes and heart attacks if we can’t figure out how to get up on the right side of the bed.