Archive for January 16th, 2009

It’s Not My Time!!

January 16, 2009

Just in case anyone is keeping count, we are on Day #38 of surviving heart failure! I saw my cardiologist yesterday and got some good news and bad news. Overall, it was good – I’m heading in the right direction. He felt I was doing extremely well for this short amount of time out of the hospital. And I got the “Best Dressed Patient” Award!! He, he! Well of course I’m going to look cute. So you know when I am back to styling and profiling and worried about my lipstick that I am feeling better. Sorry… I digress… So he said I was doing good, still not eating enough sodium, not drinking enough water, and that I obviously have still not figured out how to relax. Ha!! Oh…. and I need to slow down. If I slow down anymore than I already have, I will come to a complete stop! I feel like I’m only going 10 mph right now anyways. But as my Dad said, my 10mph is most people’s 80mph.

Now for the bad news: I’m still not released to go back to my exercise regiment. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is driving me crazy. I am ready to go for a long run, lift weights, go to dance class. He reminded me that he told me I had to not be myself for the next three months. And like I said before, patience is not a virtue God blessed me with. I have all this energy that has been dormant for the last month…. So I see him next month, we are re-running heart tests and based on how those look he may let me get on the treadmill there while hooked up to monitoring machines. If those results look promising then we’ll make some decisions about letting me start a cardio rehab with the heart clinic. Does that rehab include sky diving???

Don’t get me wrong… I’m excited that I am moving forward and not backwards. I’m just not moving at the pace I want to. But then my mind reverts back to that story of the tortoise and the hare. Remember who won the race????

Going through this really has given me a new appreciation on life, and makes me wonder how some people can go through life so blindly. LIke how can you just sit still when you hear the most incredible rock song? How can you not tap your foot, bounce in your seat, bob your head at a minimum…. or put on those stripper shoes and do your sexy walk around the room?? (SHOUT OUT to all my ladies at PoleLaTeaz – I MISS YA’LL SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!)

What’s sad is how many people live their lives like this. Not even enjoying the music. And while I would dance my ass off, I really was no better either. I was doing what most Americans are doing – whatever it takes just to get by. But not really truly enjoying life.

I didn’t die in December when my heart failed, but it sure as hell felt like I did. The essence of who I am was temporarily taken away from me. I say temporarily because I will get it back. You will see me soaring thru the air again, LemonDrop will rock Bon Jovi on the pole like something fierce, I’ll feel the wind brush thru my hair as I flly on my bike, and you’ll hear the blood, sweat & tears from when my trainer kicks my butt in the gym!

I thought my divorce was a second chance at life. No, it was a second chance at love. (I want to insert a sidenote here… I’ve made several comments referring to my divorce. While it was extremely painful, I loved my husband with all my heart. He was and still is a wonderful man whom I have a lot of respect for. And am proud I can call him my friend.) If I find love again in this life, that’s great. But its not at the top of my priority list anymore.

This is my second chance at life. I’m going to hold on to it as tightly as I can. If it changes me, I’m going to let it and truly enjoy EVERY beat of my heart. Because everytime it beats, I still have life. And that means I still have a chance to really live!

So… Mom, I know you are reading this. I’m sorry, but my second tattoo and the skydiving – that was just the beginning!!  And for anyone out and about in Atlanta tonight – watchout!! I’m in the mood to stir up a little trouble!

Since you all have figured out the music gives me life right now, I leave you with the song that inspired this blog, and captures where I am today!

“I look around to the plans that we made & the dreams we had
I’m in a world that tries to take them away
Ooohhh, but I’m taking them back!
Cuz all this time I was too blind to understand what should matter to me
My friend this life that we lead it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe

It’s Not My Time, I’m Not Going!
There’s a fear in me, it’s not showing
This could be the end of me and everything I know…
ohhh, But I Won’t Go!!

I Won’t Go Down!!”
Third Eye Blind: It’s Not My Time