Well I got totally slapped in the face by reality today. In my mind, this whole process of dealing with CHF, figuring out this new lifestyle, trying to get my heart stronger is one massive fight for me. I guess that is just being raised in karate coming out in me. When I get pushed, all I know is to fight back. MS is another fight I’ve been battling. And given the fact that it tried to put me in a wheelchair and I got back out of it, and have maintained my mobility, I would say I am winning that fight. Score 1 for Team Lindsey!!
So why can’t I figure this one out? I know, everyone is probably saying, “Just have patience Lindsey. Its going to take some time. You’ll eventually get it.” I DON’T HAVE PATIENCE. That is just a virtue God did not instill me with.
Yesterday I had to get back to the nitty, gritty of my job and start back traveling. By the time I got to my final destination last night, I was exhausted. Today I woke up to see that I had lost two pounds, but my BP had increased. I’m thinking we’re going to be okay. I did good with the food I had packed and planned ahead with the travel. I have been a walking zombie all day. I mustered up enough energy to give a riveting sales presentation at my meeting this morning (he didn’t suspect anything was wrong), and then could barely keep my eyes open driving home. I barely made it up to my apartment before I just crashed out, hard. And here’s the frustrating part is that I have no appetite right now, but I know I need to eat. And I have absolutely no energy to get in the kitchen and even put a stupid plate in the microwave. Right about now is when I would LOVE to be able to order a pizza. But NOOOOOO, those dumb things have too much sodium. Oh, what about that chinese restaurant…. wait – again, too much sodium and now MSG. This little luxury of “fast food”, “take out”, just convenience in general is something we take for granted. I know I did.
Travel is going to be tougher than I thought. And I get to fly out tomorrow for Chicago. Yahoo for me!! Travel used to be fun, now its so much work to make sure I have everything I need.
Alright reality, listen up. And I mean listen up good…. You may have slapped me across the face today, but beware – I have a really MEAN right hook and a deadly sidekick. And I don’t get knocked down very easily. So while I am a walking zombie, I will get in that kitchen and fix some dinner, I will get my meals prepared to take with me to Chicago and I will finish the work I need to get done tonight.
You may have won the fight today, but this war and I will come back. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins – not through strength but through persistance. Meditate on that one reality!
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