Posts Tagged ‘Love’

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Haunted Halo??

September 15, 2009

I don’t remember what famous person said this, but someone said there is no remedy for love but to love more. Does your heart truly have the capacity to love again once it’s been shattered into a million little pieces? Even though over time wounds begin to heal and you slowly start putting the pieces of your heart back together – how do you know it’s okay to love again, to feel? How do you know it’s ready? How do you get rid of the ghosts that seem to haunt your heart?

“Remember those walls I built, well baby they’re coming down..
And they didn’t put a fight, they didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now”  (Beyonce: Halo)

How can one person have such an effect on you – without even hearing their voice or seeing their face. It’s like Mr.Sandman. He slips into your dreams at night – at the time your are the most defenseless. At a time he knows you can’t fight him off. At a time when you can’t run and hide your heart.

Do you believe in fantasies? Is it stupid to believe in them? Is it careless to think I want to put my heart back out there again, as haunted as it may be…. back out on the chopping block? Does it even have to be that way? Is it possible for the ghosts to go away and trust that your heart can feel again? And why does this sandman slip in and out of my thoughts when I least expect it?

No one has been able to penetrate this shield I have put up around my heart. Maybe that’s what’s so intriguing to me – I’m fascinated over what entity has the magic to make my guard disappear. To make my heart not scared to take a chance again. I’m captivated by the sandman that for one moment can put my ghosts to rest.

Once I let these floodgates open, it was smothering the effect that took place. Relationships I thought were lost forever began to heal, memories that had burned for so long were extinguished with the words “I’m sorry…..”.

Somewhere in the space between “no” and “yes” is this sea of mystery and intrigue that Mr.Sandman keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into. If dreams really are the insight into your soul, then what is it that Mr.Sandman is trying to tell me? So… I guess the real question is how do I play this chess game? Do I take that chance and move my knight into place, or do I wait for Mr.Sandman to finally show his face? There’s a part of me that wants to reach out and grab his hand, but then I wake up…. Could it be that Mr.Sandman is my angel, or will I forever have a haunted halo?????

I want my heart to be free, I don’t want it haunted anymore…..

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Great Expectations

August 13, 2009

One of my all time favorite books in life is Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I first read the book when I was in high school, and guess I connected on so many levels with the story. Its a love story that fights so hard to only realize in the end that their love should be together.

Finn – ” What is it like to go thru life not feeling anything?”
Estella – “We are who we are.”

Everytime he looks at her, his heart breaks all over again. Yet he still has that expectation that the next time she will stay, she will return his love. As hard as he tries to forget her, she forges her foothold stronger on his heart. And everytime she leaves, he never knows when or if he will ever see her again; only that he can’t stop loving her. The crazy part is that while she toys with him, drives him mad, she loves him just as much.

Finn – “Anything that might be special in me is you.”

How powerful is that, how heart wrenching is that. You love someone so intensely they become a part of your soul. And he was even warned from the beginning that she would only break his heart.

Finn – “Lay your hand on my chest. Do you know what this is? It’s my heart, broken.”

No matter how hard they try to deny their feelings, and as much as the world keeps them apart, they were always meant to be together.
Maybe I’m just a sucker for a good love story…..
Maybe I feel like this story keeps playing out in my life in one fashion or another….
Maybe I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Finn, getting my heart broken and still loving him regardless….
Or maybe it’s because I can see in my life where I have been in the position of Estella, being the heartbreaker….

Or maybe it’s just the fact that in the end, I have the great expectation that my love story will have a happy ending too….

This story always reminds me of my favorite E.E. Cummings poem:
“92”
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear,  and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                                 i fear
no  fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beatuiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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Liquid Confidence

August 11, 2009

We’ve all had it, we’ve all done it at one point or another in our lives – had that extra drink that gave you the courage to say things you wouldn’t have otherwise, or approach that one hottie at the bar to ask for their number. And how many stories have you heard of someone having a little too much to drink and doing the ever reliable “drunk dial” or “drunk text”? Why is it that sometimes we need that liquid boost to say things that should be so easy? Does the liquid confidence actually help you see things more clearly, or completely cloud your judgement? And why is that the Jack can’t filter what he should and shouldn’t give you the confidence for?

Last night I was reminded of so many things…. some of them thanks to my good ole trusty friend Mr. Jack Daniels!!

Letting go of your dreams is like a child letting go of a balloon. Taking a trip down memory lane was eye opening for me. Sort of helped me put somethings in perspective, of some dreams to hold onto with all my might and some dreams I just need to let go and float away off in the air, like that balloon. Some feelings I still haven’t found the courage to face, and others I maybe had a little too much courage to face! And some that just shouldn’t have been faced period. Ha, thanks Jack!!

Jack and I have been thru a lot over the last year. He’s been there thru a lot of hard times, and some good times too. There were some deep, hidden issues he helped bring to the forefront for me – whether I am ready to face them or not, and whether I like the answers or not. And some restless demons I wished he hadn’t stirred up.

I will say that me and Jack are re-negotiating this relationship we have. He needs to better understand what to give me the liquid confidence to face, and what things are better off floating away, like that balloon! Oh, and the headaches the next day really aren’t necessary!!

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