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Cliff Jumping

November 6, 2009

If you read this blog consistently then you’ve seen a few reoccurring quotes that I love. One of the big one’s being “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.  And given that dancing is such a passion of mine, I’ve just kinda grabbed hold of this quote and ran with it. I even have a plaque with that quote on it hung up in my place…..

Last Saturday night, I found a new passion that I’m going to grab hold of and just run with it. That night I proudly sat in the audience and watched as my cousin, Jeanie, received her medal for 2 years being sober. There are only a handful of moments in my life that have truly taken my breath away – and this was one of them. Earlier this year I was humbled to have the honor of watching Jeanie as she told her story of her addictions and her journey to sobriety. But that journey didn’t stop there and it doesn’t stop as of Saturday night. That journey is one she has to make the decision to continue everyday when she wakes up. And for anyone out there reading this who thinks battling an addiction is easy or just simply “you stop doing it”, then I urge you to attend a meeting and listen to someone’s story. It truly is a fight against your demons everyday, but more beautifully it is such a testimony of just trusting in God and giving your battles over to Him.

“When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He’ll catch you when you fall, or He’ll teach you how to fly!”

From hearing Jeanie’s story before I was touched by how much it was truly the grace of God that my cousin is still alive today. But what took my breath away on Saturday was seeing how my cousin had completely let go when she got to edge of that cliff and fully trusted God. Not only had He caught her, He taught her how to fly. Seeing God work His promises right before your eyes is not only beautiful and amazing, it’s just breathtaking! And now Jeanie is being a strong example for other new people who walk into that room on a Saturday night feeling lost, feeling lonely, feeling that they have no other options that it can be okay, that you can beat this demon, that you can get and stay sober.

Henry Miller said, “True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.” To me this is what being a Christian is about. Submission to dedicate ourselves to something beyond ourselves – to God. And that is one of the underlying principles in the Saturday Night Live group – you can’t do this without God.  And what an example of strength to make that jump fully trusting in God, not knowing how or where you’re going to land – just knowing He will be there beside you. The Anonymous part of the group is true anonymity, so I will not write about anything else that was said that night outside of Jeanie (because I have her permission) to keep the integrity of the group. What I will say, though, is I now understand why you are Jeanie’s family. You are a HUGE part of what got her to 2 years and I look forward to being there for every year after this one. And that also makes you a part of my family. Jeanie – I am so proud of you, your example and strength is an inspiration to me.

God tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us, that He will strengthen and protect us. I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna start going cliff jumping!!

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A Month of Thanks

November 1, 2009

A friend of mine had a great idea on facebook that since it’s November, and Thanksgiving, that each day she would post something she was thankful for. I thought it was an excellent idea. Too often we only focus on the bad and not enough on the good. So keep coming back to this one, I’ll update it as I add the daily things I am thankful for!!

Nov 1st – Its November… I’m going to post something I’m thankful for every day this month. Today I’m thankful for a God who loves, stands beside me, supports me and never turns His back on me. Even when I turn my back on Him! ♥

Nov 2nd – today I am thankful for the new medicine Tysabri. May it do it’s job of stopping the progression of MS in all who take it, and no more cases of PML. For alot of MS patients like myself out there, this drug is all we have left until they find a cure. So I’m thankful for it, and the special people who developed it.

Nov 3rd – today I am thankful for my beautiful grandmother, Nanny, who was born this day several years ago. (she would prob not like me to reveal her actual age..) She is a wise woman who was an excellent example of what it means to truly trust in the Lord and be a prayior warrior. I love you Nanny!!

Nov 4th – today I am thankful for those inspiring nicknames my Dad and Super Dave have given me – Wyatt Earp and The Swan. Even on our best days, everyone needs a little inspiration. Thank you for the motivation, thank you for being a part of this journey and thank you for helping me feel beautiful during something so ugly.

Nov 5th – today I am so incredibly thankful for my mother. You are so beautiful inside and out and have the most wondeful heart for God. You give me strength when I have none left. If I can ever be half the woman you are one day, then I’ll be a lucky girl. I love you more than you will ever know Mom.

Nov 6th – today I am thankful for all the men and women who serve in our military – past and present. You keep this country safe and make it possible for me to have the freedoms I have. I am so very grateful for that. And my prayers are with all the soldiers and families at Fort Hood.

Nov 7th – and today I am thankful for my mom’s magical trail mix. Not only is it a great low sodium snack, it serves for a great breakfast when you don’t have time to make anything. One day this trail mix will be available to the masses, but for now I get to enjoy it!!

Nov 8th – and today I am thankful that I still have a gut intuition that works. I was right yesterday when I said something wasn’t right. And with that, I am thankful I have family that is close by that can come running fast when my heart goes kaput. I couldn’t have made it through last night without you Mom & Dad.

Nov 9th – and today I’m thankful for chocolate!! Chocolate always puts a smile on my face. Especially Wyndy’s chocolate cake. Yummo!!!!

Nov 10th – and today I am thankful for time. Time for my heart to heal, time to figure out which way to turn next on this roadmap of life, time to just sit still and listen.

Nov 11th – and today I am thankful for all of our veterans, like my grandfather, who proudly served our country. May their stories never be forgotten, may their sacrifices always be honored. Happy Veterans Day!!

Nov 12th – and today I am thankful for two very important people in my life. My wonderful nephew Dustin – Happy Birthday! I still remember rocking you to sleep as a baby. You have been such a blessing to my life, and I’m so proud of all that you have accomplished & your service to our country in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I will jump out of a plane anyday with you!! And my beautiful cousin Jeanie. Happy Birthday to you!! You continue to inspire me with your strength & perserverance. I am in awe of what you have overcome and look forward to cliff jumping with you!!
I love you both and am so thankful to have you in my life!!!

Nov 13th – today I am thankful for my heart. Even though medically it’s weak, it’s strong in all the ways that count. I’ve almost made it a year recovering from my heart failure. No man nor science will break this heart. I urge all if you to please take care of your heart. Every minute a woman dies in this country of heart disease, every minute!!! It is THE #1 KILLER in America.

Nov 14th – today I am thankful for college football. You win some, you lose some, but ain’t nothing better than watching your team duke it out. And I am especially thankful for Tennessee football. You guys may not have shown up yesterday to play, but I love ya anyways. Go Big Orange!!!

Nov 15th – today I am thankful for Daron & Tiffany’s wedding anniversary. Daron, you brought the most wonderful woman into our family and gave me a best friend. I couldn’t have made it through 2008 without her. I am so grateful for both of you. Happy Anniversary guys, I love you!

Nov 16th –  today I am thankful for the days I wake up & can walk. Today wasn’t one of them & it makes me realize how much even I take walking for granted. Over 400,000 Americans suffer the debilitating effects of MS. Say a prayer for them today,not all have access to the support system or resources like I do. I’m thankful …for days I can walk,for the fighting spirit on days I can’t & the people that love me regardless.

Nov 17th – today I am thankful for Trader Joe’s. You have the most wondeful alternatives for people who are on different or restrictive diets. I heart Trader Joes!!

Nov 18th – today I am thankful for all the doors that are opening for me. This just keeps getting better and better. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me yet, but I’m enjoying the ride as we find out. As I said before, the best is yet to come.

Nov 19th – today I am thankful for my Dad. Not only are you my hero, you have always been my #1 cheerleader (next to Mom). You believe in me when I don’t believe in myself, you motivate me when I hit brick walls and you give me sledgehammers to make my own doors when the world slams them in my face. Not only am …I proud of eveything you are and have done in this world, I know DaddyFrank is proud of the son, father, doctor and now DaddyFrank you have become. I am honored to have you as my father. I only hope I can fill your big shoes one day!! I love you Dad!!

Nov 20th –  today I am thankful for college mascots. Uga, you did a lot for the University of Georgia and the SEC. As the only college mascot to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated, you brought much attention and respect to our conference. RIP and my condolences to all the Georgia fans.

Nov 21st – today I am thankful for my bike.And for my brother introducing me to the love of cycling.You have given me a wonderful outlet to let go and get away from the world for a little while, when I’m on my bike. Not to mention a way for me to prove all the doctors wrong,I will ride the MS Bike Tour aga…in.Taking her today over to Terry’s to get some work done, don’t know why my cateye isn’t working.

Nov 22nd – today I am thankful for good soup on a cold, chilly day. Just makes you feel all warm and cozy. And yes, you can have really good, low sodium soup. My version is ever better than the original in most cases.

Nov 23rd – today I am thankful for my ex-husband. Happy Birthday Waleed. While our marriage didn’t work,you taught me more about myself than anyone has. It’s because of you that I am a better woman, a stronger Christian, & if God grants me the chance again -will be a better wife one day. I wish… you all the happiness & joys that I am finding in my life again. Shukria, mayra dost!!

Nov 24th – today I am thankful for my smile! It sure hasn’t left my face all day long and I love days like these. As I said earlier, the best is yet to come… and things just keep getting better. And I have to give a special shout-out thanks to my DaddyFrank who is smiling on me in Heaven. I wouldn’t have this smile without you! You were the best orthadontist to ever grace this earth!

Nov 25th – and today I am thankful for second chances. God has granted me two big ones and I am eternally grateful. I am lucky to be alive. For whatever reason the Big Man just wasn’t ready for me. So I’m going to make the most of my second chance with everything in me, grabbing hold and not letting go. If you’re lucky enough to get a second chance, make something worthwhile of it. God didn’t let you down, so don’t let Him down.

Nov 26th – and today I am thankful I don’t have to eat any turkey!!! I love non-traditional Thanksgiving dinners. Lobster – here I come!!!! 🙂 But I hope everyone else enjoys their turkey and has a Happy Thanksgiving!

Nov 26th – and today I am truly thankful I’m alive. My doctor told me I wasn’t supposed to make it to the end of this year, and my heart is getting stronger. So thank you God for keeping me here, there is so much I have left to do in this world. And thank yo…u to my family and friends who have supported me over the last year. I am blessed.

Nov 27th – and today I am thankful for the beauty, peace and serenity of the North Georgia mountains. There truly is a place in this world where you can leave all your worries behind in the city, and my parents just happen to own it!!!

Nov 28th – today I am thankful for the true friends in my life who stick with me thru thick and thin, good or bad, happy or sad times. Those that have loved me no matter what. I am so fortunate for the great friends I have in my life. Thank you for being there, for making me laugh and definitely for making my life fun and interesting!!

Nov 29th – today I am thankful for families who open their hearts & lives up to adoption. Every child deserves a family. I am thankful Carrie made it to Africa safely & got to see Mykah & Jackson yesterday. Please pray the adoption process is a speedy one & for safe travels home. Chris & Carrie, I can’t wait to m…eet the new additions to your family.

Nov 30th – and today I am thankful for my dear friend Drew Bates, his company Unique Publications and his incredible project Redneck Ninjas. You continue to inspire me with your creativity and determination. I …am so thankful you kicked that 18-wheelers butt and am honored to be a part of your life. I look forward to this adventure and being a part of the journey with you as Redneck Ninjas goes worldwide!!! Everybody needs a little ninja!!!

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Taking the Blinders Off

October 24, 2009

How many times have we listened to friends talk about their relationships and we can see it’s the wrong one or something is just not right, but they play the “ignorance is bliss” card on us? And we’ll say, you need to take those blinders off. Why is it so hard to take those blinders off? Why are we so scared to see what is right there in front of us?

A friend of mine on facebook always does these great inspirational messages. Yesterday morning she posted an awesome one:  Albert Einstein said: “Most people see what is, and never see what can be”. So I ask you, family to uncover those eyes; explore the possibilities and you will be amaze of all the beautiful things around you. Have faith in what God promise you… and walk in it.

I can’t get this message out of my head. People see what is, and never see what can be. I guess sometimes we lose the forrest for the trees. Happiness could be right there in front of you but you’re too afraid to grab a hold of it. The answers to your questions, the possibilities – right in front of your eyes, but we refuse to uncover them. Maybe it’s because we get stuck in a holding pattern of our everyday lives. Or, we don’t believe we deserve better, or that there truly is better out there.

I am just as guilty about having blinders on in my own life. You get comfortable in your everyday routine, you get complacent that “this” is all there is to life. I’m trying to take my blinders off, looking at the bigger picture and take a chance. In doing so I have gotten hurt, but ya know- no regrets. No risk, no reward – right? But if I don’t take the blinders off, then I stay complacent in the life I have – and I know there is more for me out there. Taking the blinders off isn’t just about analyzing the romantic relationships in your life, it’s also about the friendships that may be poisonous, it’s about life opportunities that could be passing you by…..

So, I’m going to try to keep the blinders off in my life. And I hope you will start to do the same.

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Wrestling Demons

October 16, 2009

Ok, so most of my fighting matches and blogs have been centered around karate, but this one is going to be a little different. Inside all of us are demons we are constantly battling to be the better person we know we can be. The demons that whisper good-for-nothing temptations in your ears. The demons that just curl themselves up in a suitcase for you to carry as extra baggage all your life until you decide to deal with it, until you decide to wrestle.

The big demon I am wrestling right now is Mr.Sandman. You have infiltrated my dreams long enough to no avail. You gave me hopes and beliefs that were not grounded in anything but mirages. And like a camel walking to water, I ran straight to your mirage with open arms, only to end up grabbing at empty air. Just like the feeling you left in my heart – empty. You sprinkled your magic dust in my mind to dream that the universe would grant me that one more wish, only to wake up with a haunted halo.

“Confront the dark parts of your self and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strengths.” – August Wilson

Everyday when I wake up I have demons to wrestle – will I be able to walk, will I make it through the day without a seizure, will I be able to breathe, will I have extra fluid in my chest from my heart. Will I be strong enough to fight it all off, still keep a smile on my face and keep my focus on where I am going in life. Will I truly have the strength to not give up on my fight. Will I be smart enough to make it to where I need to go. Will I know that I’m not all alone when there’s no one there to hold my hand. Will I wake up alive. Will my heart function okay on its own. Maybe that’s the difference between you and me, Mr.Sandman. I don’t have a choice. These demons wait patiently for me as I sleep and seem to be several cups of coffee ahead of me when I wake up. So ready or not, they attack as soon as I get out of bed. Whereas you can simply pack all of your demons in that luggage you carry around. But battling these demons makes me stronger. Battling these demons makes me a better person.  Battling these demons keeps me alive. And soon enough, these demons will get tired of wrestling with me and will move on to the next soul to haunt. And the fact that I am brave enough to get up and fight them everyday, makes my angels sing even louder and motivates me even more.

So, Mr.Sandman, what’s your excuse? What do you possibly have to hide behind? What could be so terrifying that it is greater than life? You know what your demons are. You know the door is right there to walk through to get your battle started, so what’s holding you back? What are you so scared of? That you might actually become a better person, that you might actually feel happy and more alive than you ever felt before? That you might experience some relief from not carrying around all that baggage? (because I promise you, it’s a hell of a lot lighter load) That maybe it’s time for you to finally grow up? That maybe your two regrets don’t have to be regrets but actually dreams you make come true? You are the only one in charge of your own happiness. So own it!

Here’s one thing I do know, when God sends us down strong paths He gives us strong shoes. I happen to also have a pretty good pair of boxing gloves. But in true martial arts fashion – you have to be good on your feet and on the ground. So I keep my demons guessing all the time on what angle I’ll hit them with. You have to figure out what artillery you need to fight your demons. And as angry as I am that you have crossed over the line to the other side to be my demon versus the sweet something to look forward to in my dreams, I wish you all the best with your fight. And hope you find your peace.

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Poker Face

October 15, 2009

Several years ago I tried my hand at poker in Las Vegas. Yeah…. let’s just say I lost some money. Guess that means I’m not that great of a poker player. I think one quality that makes a good poker player is the ability to count cards. To know how the deck is stacked against them, or what cards are left you may have left to play with. To me, this is a very important part of the game. If you can’t, then you could easily get blindsided with a pair of Aces you just can’t compete against. Another quality of a good poker player is having that all stoic poker face. Guess that’s why a lot of professional poker players wear sunglasses. You can read so much in someone’s eyes – so why not keep them hidden from the rest of the world? Right.

Well, if those two qualities make a good poker player, then I think it’s pretty obvious why I suck at this game. While I am great at reading the enemy (or for most times the competition), when it comes to matters of the heart, I can never properly count the deck or even see when the deck was so clearly stacked against me that I had no way of winning straight out of the gate. The passionate nature in me makes it impossible for me to keep expressions off my face. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And even in the darkest pair of Prada sunglasses, you will see the pain, hurt and emptiness resonate brightly through my eyes when I have lost, or am about to lose.

In the book, The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch says, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” How profound that is. I can’t change the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis. There is no cure for it. But what I can do is change everyday how I play my hand depending on the cards MS wants to deal me. And over the years I feel I have become quite the master at this one. You dealt me a hand that would take away my legs. I called your bluff and got them back only with a pair of crazy eight’s!! Every hand you have dealt me, I have methodically, carefully, yet strategically played my way through to where I held the winning card in the end. (why some of this wisdom didn’t carry over to Las Vegas, I know not….) Since I was winning so much there, you decided to raise the stakes on me and deal me a new hand with a failing heart. And right now we are still playing this particular round of poker….. but I’m feeling pretty confident.

The irony here is that I can count how the deck is stacked against me with MS, and I’m slowly but surely getting there with my heart. But when it comes to love, I am the worst poker player around. The cards are dealt and I didn’t even count to see the critical ones that were left to be played. The cards that would make it impossible for me to win. See, the deck was stacked to where I had no chance of ever winning this particular hand. And since I wear my heart on my sleeve, my opponent was able to read my hand without me ever uttering a word. Strike two!! But being the daring and competive person I am, I raised up the anty – all or nothing! But he drew the Queen of Diamonds, and for this round – that was all he needed to kill my hand. Strike three! Maybe we’ll meet again at the poker table, maybe not. Maybe I’ll entertain another match one day, maybe not. Maybe I’ll stop playing cards all together and just stick with chess…..

What I do know is that while my card game is clearly up on this poker table, I still love to play and will move on to the next interesting gamble I can make here in Vegas. But let me leave the winner of this last hand with one piece of advice, and this comes straight from the Eagles – “Don’t you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy, she’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.” Your Queen of Diamonds may have won out for this ONE hand, but always remember that you can never lose when you bet on the Queen of Hearts. Even being down a hand, in the end, she’s always the winner. Too bad your sunglasses are a little too dark to see that. Maybe that poker face doesn’t help you win just as much as you think.

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I Know Sometimes It’s Gonna Rain…

October 14, 2009

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Today I am trying to remember how to dance. God knows it has been pouring like mad here in Atlanta, so there is no shortage of puddles to jump in. But for whatever reason, I can’t seem to remember my moves, or how to even begin. I put my dance shoes on – nothing. Pulled out some of my old costumes – no inspiration. I even put on one of my favorite dance movies – Breakin’ – and nada….

Just as the rain is coming down in gallons outside, the tears just flow like buckets. Normally I can find some cryptic way to write about what I’m feeling or what is going on in my life without just flat out coming out with the words. But tonight the storm is brewing and I can’t remember how to dance. My heart is so heavy right now. I don’t even know where to begin……

How did I get to this point? What was I thinking putting all my eggs in that basket? Why did I take the chance? Who convinced me to believe it could work, or be okay? And why did I believe them??? Was it ever really worth it? When did I stop seeing the writing on the wall? How do I pull my hands out of the fire? Where do I go from here? Why can’t people tell you the truth? How do I explain “that” without it hurting them? Could this have been prevented? Why don’t they understand? What were they thinking…..why, why, why? Can it be saved? Were the consequences not even considered? Will it ever change? What happens next? Where do I find my dance steps? Can I stop the stealth? Are you ever really ready? How do I prepare?Do you think……. Is it possible…… What if……..

I look back at different life experiences and there were times I didn’t know how I would get out of bed the next day. I didn’t think my heart would ever feel again. And I know tomorrow will come, and I will wake up and continue on with my life. I mean, hell, I have survived a lot worse than this. And will continue to do so. But dancing is what makes me smile, dancing is what makes my life exciting. Dancing is what gets me through the day.

The tears will slow. The pain will cease. The sun will rise again, and I will start a new day. And in the rays I will find my step, Lindsey will get her groove back…..

But in the meantime, it’s gonna rain.

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What We Have Here is Failure to Communicate

October 8, 2009

As I am writing this it’s killing me that I can’t think of what movie/song that is from. Guns’N’Roses I think……. Ugh! I just felt it captured the kind of day/week I’ve been having. Why is so hard for us to just say how we feel, or what it is we are feeling? Why do we have to sugar coat things, or dance around the issues? Have our relationships become so casual that we don’t have the kind of ties that allow you to speak freely to one another?

Now let’s go to the other end of the spectrum. What about those people who just don’t know the right way to tell you how they feel or the point they want to get across? So instead of being comforting or motivational or even the reality check you may need, they come across as mean and hateful. Hence their words are lost forever in the abyss of “I’m not listening”.

Part of what I think makes it difficult for us to communicate is the baggage we carry around from past relationships – whether intimate or family or friendship. People don’t want to get hurt again, god knows I don’t. One of my good friends and I were talking about what some of our baggage is that makes it difficult for us in relationships. Like for example someone who has been cheated on may have trust issues. As we went through analyzing the life of relationships that is Lindsey we came across a big suitcase I’ve been toting around and hadn’t really considered it before. Evidentially I have confidence issues in people’s feelings for me – again whether they are intimate or personal or just friendship. See one day I was happily married living my life and the next day I was getting a divorce. (Ok – wasn’t quite that trivial, but you get the point none-the-less). And on the friendship side, I have given and given until there was nothing left for me to give, only to end up empty handed; without even the friend there anymore. So my baggage, my luggage is that I need to know where I stand in relationships. I don’t assume anything. I won’t assume you like me, or love me or want to date me. I won’t “read between the lines”. I won’t pick up on insinuations or subtle hints. Those are all blocked out of my psyche or emotional radar.

I say all of this because sometimes we just need to tell people how we feel. If you love, tell them. If you want to be a better friend, then do it. If you want to be the emotional support for someone, then plant a root and let your tree grow. If you think someone is doing a good job, let them know – they may do an even better job. If you think someone is spectacular, then let them know it. Especially in today’s world where everyone is either losing their job, their house, their spouse or their confidence; we could all use a friend.

Don’t let another day go by without telling those you love that you love them. You just never know when someone’s life is going to get cut short, or when this may be the last time you get to say goodbye.

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Ponderings of a Sleep Deprived, Heavily Medicated Lunatic

October 5, 2009

After 48-hours of very little sleep, back to back seizures and some pretty heavy medications….. a few thoughts ran across my mind…. WARNING: The following is written off of very little sleep and lots of muscle relaxers!

– Why do I always forget to buy toothpaste when I’m grocery shopping? Even though every time I put it on the stupid list, I still forget it….. And it forces me to make another trip to the store! Ugh!
– Why do we say “sticks & stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me”? When in fact they hurt like hell…
– Has anyone ever really challenged a fast food restaurant that says your meal is for free if they fail to give you a reciept?
– Is Krystal truly better at 4 o’clock in the morning after a night of heavy drinking?
– Why do we hurt the ones we love the most first and push them away?
– When the low fuel light on my gas tank blinks, how many miles do I really have left?
– Why can’t people in Atlanta drive?
– Does Chick-fil-A reuse left over chicken nuggets for the next morning’s chicken-mini’s they serve for breakfast? Don’t get me wrong here, I think it was genius finding a way to let me have chicken nuggets for breakfast, but just wondering….
– Is everything really just black and white, or can we healthily & happily live in shades of gray?
– Can you name one soap opera star that has truly died on a show and never returned from the dead?
– Why can’t the pharmacy assistant at the Walgreen I get my prescriptions filled ever smile? Or say anything nice? She really wants to make your prescription re-fill experience as miserable as possible.
– On Days of our Lives, how many times can Bo and Hope marry, divorce, marry, separate, re-marry and think this really is “forever”?
– Why does every celebrity couple out there think they need a reality show? Do they honestly think we give a damn about their live???
– Why is Watershed the ONLY place I will eat a pimento cheese sandwich (unless I make it myself because I have his recipe)? Other places can say they use the same exact recipe and I don’t trust it……..
– When will the world realize that tuna in a can is not real fish??????
– Why do people think that yelling their argument/point is going to make the other party hear it any better?
– Why is it so hard to say I’m sorry when you truly are, and truly mean it?
– And when someone does say their sorry, why is it sometimes so hard to forgive and forget?
– When I’m at the MS Center, why does everyone automatically assume people want to tell their life stories with the disease? Sometimes we just want to get our IV’s, listen to our iPods and move on…..
– Why does every Mayor in Atlanta promise to fix all the pot holes, yet nothing has been done?
– Is there truly an end date in site somewhere in this century to the road work being done on I-75?
– Be honest, can you really tell the difference between Ragu and Prego spaghetti sauce?
– It takes about 2 seconds from when the traffic light turns green for me to release my foot off the brake and hit the gas. Why is this never fast enough for the guy behind me?
– What are those ladies really saying about you at the nail salon as they give you a pedicure??
– Is breakfast really better when eaten for dinner?
– What in the world is it in Paula Deen’s Chicken Pot Pie that makes it so damn good?
– Do all actresses use fake eye lashes, or are some people naturally born with thicker eye lashes?
– Why do I always grow my hair out in the summer when it’s hot and cut it in the winter when it’s cold???
– Why is it that Jack Daniels has 0mg of sodium but it not good for your heart, yet red wine has 35 mg of sodium and is supposed to be good for your heart???

– If he really does love her, why won’t he just tell her???????????? Maybe she needs to hear it……

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I’m Permanent

September 28, 2009

So, Reality….. it’s been awhile since you and I have met in the ring for a match. I have to say it’s been interesting watching how our battles have grown, strategies changed, fighting styles matured even. And sometimes when you think I’m not looking, you try to throw a left hook in there to knock me off my feet. But what you keep forgetting is how my fighting style has changed, has grown, has matured. And you also seem to forget that I have one hell of a spinning back kick that has the force to break ribs (and has broken many boards in my lifetime!)

When we first started this little sparring match, I came out swinging with everything I had in me. I won a few rounds, and lost a few. I will say, I had some strong knockouts in my corner, but the rounds I lost were pretty brutal. Not only from a physical aspect, but an emotional one too. What I didn’t realize at first was that my wins were not enough to hold me through the losses. As I said before, in battle, the psychological warfare is just as important as the physical one. Where I once proudly wore the label of winner, I allowed you to replace it with one of damaged goods. Where I had gotten comfortable with the idea of being single, you made anger become my new companion. My hot air balloon that said I was going to be larger than life, you deflated. All of the essence that I felt made Lindsey, that defined me – you slowly took them away, one by one; leaving me empty. I needed more artillery. I needed a different strategy, my body wasn’t physically strong enough to just fight on its own like I had for all the years before with MS. A few months ago I wrote about how my strategy was changing, that I was no longer going to fight this fight by myself.  To take on me, you had to take on my army. (and need I just remind you one more time that my Dad is really not someone you want to piss off….. he was and still is one hell of a fighter and an incredible martial artist)

My new strategy was inspired by one of my martial artist heros – Bruce Lee. He was formally trained in Kung Fu, but later on developed his own “style” Jeet Kune Do, which means the way of intercepting the fist. That’s what I needed – a way to intercept your fist Reality. He felt that traditional styles of martial arts was too restrained and rigid, that the techniques were not practical for real-world street fighting. And I have to agree with him. Take for example one of the forms for Tae Kwon Do. It has me fighting off 6 attackers. But in the form, not all of the “invisible” attackers will attack at the same time, they remain stationary as you work your way through them. If I were truly in a street fight with 6 people, I guarantee you that three of them will be trying to hold me down while the others attack. (good luck with that by the way…) So, Bruce Lee developed his own philosophy that was outside the box, but better prepared his students for combat. I tried to take a similar approach, think a little outside the box, but better prepare myself for combat. That’s where I created my army of soldiers that have vowed to fight with me till the end.

And I’m proud to say that my new strategy is paying off! Today, the cardio told me he thought my heart sounded strong. That’s right, you heard me correctly Reality – STRONG! I’ll say it one more time, not weak but STRONG! In fact, he read my last echo to be 10% higher on my ejection fraction than what was previously reported. Do you know what that means???? I am safely out of the range of needing a pacemaker or defibulator in my chest. My heart is strong enough to pump/beat on its own. My heart is strong enough for me to start physically building back up my core strength. And when I do, buddy you really better watch out because the two things I want soo badly are back in my dance class and back on the mat in the dojo!

Learning to survive and adapt to this new life is my mission. Out of everything my army has given me, I feel like time is the most precious gift I can give back, and that’s just not something I’m willing to give up to you anymore Reality.

For some reason over the last couple of days, the song “Permanent” by David Cook has been playing on the playlist shuffle on my ipod. There is a line that has really stuck with me, “Will you think that you’re all alone, when no one’s there to hold your hand?”. See, that’s the point Reality. You wanted me to believe I was all alone. But I know that there isn’t a second of this fight, there isn’t a beat of my heart that goes alone. My heart would not be in the place it is today without my army.

Hope and motivation comes in all shapes and sizes. Whether it’s the Father that calmly prepares his daughter for the LSAT with his infinite words of wisdom or the Mother that firmly stands as that rock you can always lean on when you’re too tired to stand. Whether it’s that friend that won’t stop pushing you until you take that test or the sister that reminds you of how important you really are. Whether it’s a bite size snack that makes your sides hurt from laughing so hard or the goofiness that occurs from mixing chicken rings with Grey’s Anatomy. Whether it’s the Days of Thunder that make your heart feel alive again or an inspiring new friendship wrapped up in a Vince Dooley tie.

Not only am I not alone, Reality. I’m Permanent!

On Bruce Lee’s gravestone it says, “Your inspiration continues to guide us toward our personal liberation.” How true that is for me. Bruce also said that they key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. I’ll venture out there to say there are a handful of people who think my life is worth remembering. Again Reality, I’m Permanent! I’ll go ahead and score this fight as a win for Team Lindsey!!

Permanent by: David Cook
Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won’t go away today

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent

I know he’s living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it’s all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away but still you say

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent, I’m permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you’ll never see me cry

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Realizations

September 23, 2009

Sometimes I think reality has to slap us in the face to get us to wake up. Sometimes God brings people into your life to help get you through a situation or help guide you down the path you need to go. Sometimes He puts people in our lives that challenge us to be better people. In every experience you have, with every person that enters your life – whether good or bad; you have the opportunity to learn, to grow and to be an example.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is born.” I have always said you should be careful how you treat people because you never know the demons they are facing. Some demons are bigger than others, but they all haunt you none-the-less. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own little worlds that we feel maybe crumbling apart at any minute. Or locking ourselves into that safety deposit box we conceal ourselves in from the true outside world. It’s easy to forget that there are people who are facing bigger battles than we could ever possibly imagine.

It is often safer to wrap our arms around those material things we feel can give us comfort. Or take that drink, snort, shot or puff of magical essence to take the pain away instead of turning to the one that can heal you with His touch, with His word.

2 Corinthians 4:18: So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that each and every one of us are here for a purpose. It is our duty to honor that. It is our responsibility to be an example of His love and grace. Lately I have been wallowing in some self-pity. I’ve been heartbroken over a friend whose poor judgements forced me to make some tough decisions that I didn’t feel were fair. I’ve been disappointed over a friend’s unwillingness to stand up and do the right thing. I’ve been frustrated at myself for so easily passing judgements in these situations. I’ve been sad because some long, deep friendships have been dramatically hurt and I don’t know if the damage can be repaired. I’ve been consumed with secrets that are not mine to know, keep or share. I’ve been scared to reach out and grab that hand that is offering me a second chance I thought would or could never come along. I’ve been haunted by ghosts in my life. I’ve been frustrated over the lack of progress in certain areas. I have been angrily plowing my way down a path of self destruction to blow up my heart. And for what??? Because I’m bored, because I’m sad, because my feelings got hurt, because I’m scared, because I’m confused and frustrated?

NO. Because I lost focus of what is the center of my life – God. Because I stopped trusting in His plan and in His way to get me where I need to go. Because I stopped listening to His words, His advice. Because I stopped confiding myself in Him and sought other methods to ease the pain.

Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings.

Sometimes we just need a wake-up call, a slap in the face from reality to make us snap back into the world of the living. Today I got that. A friend posted a link to a blog about a couple and their struggles. He had the opportunity to meet them when they were in Hawaii. He asked all of us to read this blog, that it would challenge you. And he was right. It not only challenged me, it brought me to my knees. It was my wake up call that there are bigger demons out there people are facing and bigger battles people are fighting than what is the little life of Lindsey. But more importantly, it was such an awesome example of the peace you can find in the Lord when put face to face with death himself.

This blog is the story of Sara and Brad, their fight against her breast cancer, the surprised bundle of joy – Chloe that entered their lives unexpectedly, the example of how truly trusting in the Lord can give you the armour needed to fight any battle thrown your way. Their story is a beautiful love story and an incredible witness of God’s glory. Yesterday, Sara lost her battle here on earth with cancer.

I encourage you to please take the time to read through their blog, as Chris promised – it will challenge you. –> http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com/

In the blog, Brad (Sara’s husband) says “sometimes Jesus calms the storm and sometimes He calms the child.” There has literally been a massive storm brewing in Atlanta. Not only physically outside with all the flooding  and devastation our town has experience, but a storm brewing inside my soul. Right now, He is calming both in me – the child and the storm.

Audrey Hepburn said, “To measure the man, measure his heart.” It was inspiring to read about both Sara and Brad’s hearts. It was the wake-up call I needed. As I continue trudging down my road to recovery my prayer is that my heart will only grow stronger in the Lord, as it grows stronger medically. And when the day comes that I have reached the end of my road, my prayer is that you will be able to measure me by my heart and see through the example I lead of the mercy, glory and love that is God’s grace. In the meantime, I just pray that God will calm this storm.

Don’t wait to take your second chance – grab with both hands and hold on tight. Don’t think it is ever too late to do the right thing, to make things right. We only have this one life. The good man never said life would be easy, only that it would be worth it. Make your life worth it!

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