Archive for May 9th, 2009

The Hallway is Hell

May 9, 2009

I thought when God closed one door He was suppose to open another, or at least a window. And there is the saying “but sometimes the hallway is hell”. I’m stuck in the hallway right now. Every door is not only staying closed for me, they are being slammed in my face. And right now I feel like I am in the depths of hell. Is this what it feels like to be closterphobic? The hallway is getting smaller & smaller and its harder & harder to breathe… Or is this what it feels like to finally go crazy?

For me, the battle to control my mind is just as important as the fight against the attacks on my body. Its one never-ending battlefield. Anyone in the military knows of the meaning behind psychological warfare. Those of us battling diseases have that fight as well. It’s one of the mind, and one that creeps into the very depths of your heart. So I have one disease that creates lesions to grow on my brain and constantly attacks it. I have another disease that has sent my heart into failure and consistantly weakens it. Then add a layer on top of that with this psychological warfare. So, from a battle perspective, what do I have left? I’m not making excuses, I’m simply trying to figure out my strategy.

Einstein said the definition of crazy (or was it insanity…) was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Every warrior enters the battlefield with a strategy, even dating back to the Samuri warriors. And I guess for the first time in my life, I don’t know what mine is. That scares the shit out of me, from a fighting perspective, I’m leaving myself powerless and open for my enemy to strike a lethal blow….

The only thing I feel is remotely relevant is that it doesn’t matter how fast you go as long as you are moving in the right direction. That is completely opposite of how I have lived my entire life, how I have ever fought any kind of battle. So… I’m trying to figure out my next move, my strategy. And for now, my mind is blank on what to do. I’m stuck in the hallway of hell.