Archive for March 14th, 2009

My Patience Tank is FLAT EMPTY

March 14, 2009

Last night a friend said to me that he didn’t want to stress me out anymore than I already was, because he could just see it on my face and tell by my conversation that I was extremely stressed. I couldn’t half way finish a thought. I realized this morning as I was thinking back on this whole week that my patience tank is completely empty. Right now I have zero patience or tolerance for stupidity, insults, whining, bitching, ignornace. And I hate that, because it is not very Christian like of me at all, and its not relying on God the way I should – by handing over my burdens to Him, or simply praying for empathy that is lost, praying for patience that is lost. I don’t know why I am so …… emotional this week? cranky? bitchy? impatient? What I do know is that if you don’t have thick skin then you just need to skip right over this blog. Because I know by writing it I am about to piss alot of people off. But I opened up this website as an avenue to rant, to vent, to learn, to grow, to be able to breathe. And while certain aspects of my personal life are simply off-limits, I really wouldn’t be doing this any justice if I simply talked about how freaking good the roses smelled all the time. Because this week – they stunk.

First, I literally felt like I was on the cusp of HELL this week in Alabama. It was a physically tough week work wise. I went from one end of that damn state to the other. And I honestly mean no offense to people from Alabama, but seriously – what the hell?? Do you not have regular interstates? Why am I having to continually drive on a two lane road to only get stuck behind tractor after tractor? Are there not enough stupid pastures for you to ride in? I came to the conclusion that people in Alabama must have their own language – I call it Bamish. I checked into this one hotel (which I seriouusly contemplated whether it would be safer or cleaner for me to just sleep in my own car that night). With the low sodium diet I have to carry most of my own food with me. I was out of paper plates, so I asked the guy at the front desk if they had any. He said, and I’m not joking, “No, I don’t have any plates, but I have a BAHWEL.” Um… I’m sorry, a what?? “A Bahwel”. He then pulls one out of the drawer. I looked at him and said, “Oh a bowl. See us in normal civilation call this a bowl. B-O, Not A, but O-W-L. Bowl.” I go back to my hotel room, try to get settled in. Oh – let me interject one thing here – did I mention that I had ABSOLUTELY NO CELL PHONE COVERAGE?? Does anyone in that damn state use a cell phone? Because AT&T and Sprint seemed to have a really hard time finding and keeping a signal.  Yeah, see I would get one for about 30 minutes then my phone would search for a signal for the next 2 hours. I could have been dead, stick a fork in her she is done, on the side of the road with no way to call for help. Just wanted to interject that little point. Okay, back to getting settled in my hotel room. All of a sudden I see this huge flame go across my window. I run outside and the damn sidewalk is on fire. Its on fire!! I screamed “WTF????” And this guy looks at me and smiles and says – about to throw a steak on the grill, you want one? Umm… you have the sidewalk on fire. There is a fire outside my hotel room and you want to know if I want a stupid steak?? What is wrong with you people?? I guess in a normal town maybe there would be a steak restaurant?? But not here. So if the stupid hotel had burned down, I couldn’t have used my cell phone to call the fire department. The next morning as I am trying to leave this town on the two-lane road that covers this whole freakin state, I get stuck behind a funeral procession. Because one of the 5 people that lived here died??? And you can’t pull over on the side of the road, as is customary in the South, because you may hit a damn cow. I get back to Atlanta only to realize I was in the part of Alabama where that man went crazy and started killing everyone. So I felt like a big Asshole for complaining about being stuck behind the funeral procession….. But none-the-less, I will be just fine if I don’t see another cow, tractor, pasture or Burger King that has camuoflauged seats for a very long time.

Now that was just the work part of my week. Lets talk about some of the other things that I have lost my patience for.

Why are people so damn pushy these days?? Its like when they want something, they want it on their timeframe no matter what, regardless of the implications it has on you. Who cares that you may already have plans those weekends? Who cares that you have a family to think about and obligations to take care of? They obviously don’t seem to care about that, because you see – they decided what they want, and they want it NOW. End of story. Even if it means you can now officially call them, oh – a stalker for how obsessive they are being.  Well… I guess I have just lost my patience for that. If you can’t have understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around you, then why should I?

No means NO! If I say I can’t drink alcohol right now, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again if I want a drink. If I say there are certain foods I cannot eat anymore, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again if I want to eat these foods. If I say there are certain activities I cannot do right now, then quit asking me over and over and over and over again to do them. If I say no, I mean NO. This isn’t like some little Weight Watcher diet where if I splurge and eat a few extra points then I can just work out an extra hour or two to burn off the calories. THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE PEOPLE! I hate to be so blunt and vulgar, but damnit. This is my heart. This isn’t an extra pound I can get off, this is my hearts ability to keep pumping. Which just in case you forgot, KEEPS ME ALIVE. This isn’t a damn game to be played with. And for the life of me, I don’t understand why people don’t understand that???? I don’t mind if someone ask me if I want a drink. But when I say no, then drop it. Don’t sarcastically tell me, “Oh, one won’t hurt you.” (and this isn’t just with alcohol – I get it with food, with exercise, with everything I am not allowed or supposed to do right now) Really? Really??? Because you’ve looked at my last echo and can see something different than my cardiologist saw? Because if I can’t get my heart function stronger than I have to get a pacemaker to force my heart to pump correctly since it doesn’t seem to want to do it on its own. Now can you please tell me what part of that is a joke? What part of that is a laughing matter?? What part of that is not serious? Its exhausting. I would not ask an alcoholic if they wanted a drink, would you? I would not ask a recovering cocaine addict if they wanted a hit, would you? I wouldn’t hand a pack of cigarettes to someone who finally quit smoking, would you? I wouldn’t ask someone allergic to peanuts if they wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, would you? I wouldn’t ask a diabetic if they wanted a pound of sugar, would you? So why am I any different????

And please let me dispell a little myth that seems to be out there right now. Just because I have to travel every week with my job does not mean that travel is easy for me or that I just love it or that it means I can just hop on a plane and go see everyone. I would love for you to carry my damn suitcase now when I travel. I have to take my scale with me everywhere I go, my blood pressure monitor, enough pills to kill a freaking zoo, and most all of my food for the length of time I am gone. Do you realize how difficult that is? And lets not even touch on the fact of how tired I stay half the time because I still haven’t gotten back all of my energy I lost from my heart going into failure in the first damn place.

I honestly was going to let all of this just go this week until I logged on to check facebook, email, myspace and saw where someone had written a blog about breaking up with their boyfriend. This blog went on about how their life was just going to be over, they couldn’t breathe, what do you do when the life you envisioned for yourself isn’t going to happen?? Now again, let me remind you before you read any further that my patience tank is flat empty, dry as a whistle. Are you freaking kidding me? You and your boyfriend broke up and you think your life is over? And here is the ironic part, this blog set me off, but lately I have heard the dumbest complaints from people. Let me give you a little reality check. You want to hear about a potential life being over??? Let me tell you about a friend of mine’s mother who got diagnosed with cancer. She fought for her life through chemo and raditation, they didn’t know if she was going to make it. Finally gets into remission only to find out a couple months ago that the poisonous monster cancer is back and she has to go through this all over again, fighting for her life. FOR HER LIFE. And you think your life is over because you and your stupid boyfriend broke up??? GROW UP! Here’s another one for you – how about my friend from high school who stopped to helped a stranded pedestrian only to get hit by a car. She is a single mom who is in a wheelchair, can’t work, needs multiple surgeries to get better, still has a son to take care of and a pile of medical bills higher than you are tall. And you think you have it tough because someone who evidentally treated you like shit in the first place broke up with you??? How about my good friend who got diagnosed with a delibitating disease last year, only to find out 4 weeks ago that her entire life is falling apart?? Out of respect for her privacy I am not going to write about the details. But let me just say if you think you “can’t breathe” because of a “broken heart” from the little boyfriend leaving, then your entire body would SHATTER into a million pieces never to be repaired if you had to face her dilemna’s right now.

Like I said, my patience tank is really on empty right now. There is a saying to always be careful how you treat people because everyone has their issues. And thats true. But sometimes I think we all need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around us, and there are people facing much bigger issues and problems than could ever go on in our lives. So before you decide to bitch and complain about your life, take a good hard look at it. You may already have the life that others only dream of. And you may have the very life that some people are about to completely lose. So instead of bitching, be thankful for it.