It’s Flooding

So… I’ve received a few emails asking where I have been over the last several weeks. I had to lock myself away to get prepared for a big test I took on Saturday. Now that it’s finally over, I can get back to life and back to writing. What has been interesting to me over the last two days is wiping the clouds away from my eyes and seeing reality again. I feel like I am looking at it through new eyes. So much has happened over the last month and I kept pushing it away, I had to stay focused on what I was doing and there would be plenty of time to deal with it after I took my test.

Now that the test is over, I feel like I’m in the middle of a flood. I finally decided to just go for it. Not going to law school was always one of my regrets in life. So I took the LSAT to see if I have a shot of getting into law school.  I’m 32 years old and this feels like the first time I have truly gone after one of my dreams. This was something I wanted for me and not one that someone else had for me. And at the end of the day, I may not get in, but at least I can say I went for it. How many others can truly say that??

It’s hitting me how I finally just got up off the damn floor. My mom would argue that my body has really needed more time than I am willing to admit to recover from heart failure. Maybe so. But for me, I feel like I hit a point where I had to just dare myself to get up off the floor. The old saying, I was tired of being tired. And I decided that I was no longer going to sit around and wait for someone else to make a decision about my life. Take that however you want. I refuse to settle in my life – whether it be with a romantic relationship, a job opportunity or a friendship. People who settle don’t have enough confidence in themselves that they deserve the best. I know I do. I know I deserve more than what is currently my life. I know I deserve better than how I’ve been treated in relationships. And I deserve better than what some friends have given me. I also know that nothing comes handed to you, you have to work for it. I’m prepared to do that. And I am also more prepared now than ever to start dropping the baggage that has been holding me back. Some of it I kept around because honestly I was too tired to deal with it. Some because I was worried there wouldn’t be anything else. Some I wasn’t sure if I would know how to live without it. So, like I said, I know I deserve more, I’m ready to fight hard for what I want and prepared to drop all the baggage holding me back. And I make no apologies for it.

The ironic thing I guess is how much just bullshit I pushed aside and said I would deal with it after my test was over with. Now that it is, some of this “stuff” really is just bull that needs throwing away in the garbage can. Why do we weigh ourselves down with dead weight? When someone treats us like crap, why do we continue to subject ourselves to it? Who gave anyone the right to play tug of war with your heart? We always make sacrifices for friends, but we need something back and they “don’t have the time” then why do we continue to make sacrifices for them? Why don’t we stand up for ourselves more? Maybe it’s because sometimes we just can’t let go of the past. And the realizations of the past changes how we view everything in the present.

But sometimes the things that we are most afraid of are the things that will bring us the most happiness. I’m holding on to that one. There was a part of me that was scared to be free, scared to take a chance. And even scared to face some strong realizations about my past, so that I don’t keep viewing the present in the same distorted eyes. Not anymore. A friend posted the best quote today on facebook that just sums all of this up, “Sometimes the greatest act of courage is being honest with yourself and living in that honesty.” I’m finally being honest with myself, and I’m going to live it.

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