Drew Stops Traffic!!

January 17, 2010

So, we’ve landed and true to form, Mr. Dramatic could not wait to make his mark again in LA – so he stops traffic!! Ha! Living with MS, I am aware of many amenities that people take for granted. Traveling with Drew brings that to a whole new level. Even makes me feel like I need to go to confession and say 50 Hail Mary’s for how I have lived my life so selfishly. And I’m not even Catholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, Delta leaves Drew’s wheelchair on the tarmac and its raining. This chair is his legs. Melissa and I were feverishly trying to get it dried off before we moved him into it. No one likes to sit in a wet chair! That would be like Delta dumping a big pitcher of water in your lap before you were allowed to get off the plane. Thanks Delta!! Then we got to wait 2 hours for them to finally get his shower chair off the plane. Really????? Why it didn’t come off with the rest of the luggage is beyond us. Many of you that follow this know that patience is not one of my virtues. Instead of Drew getting frustrated or angry, which he had every right to, he is smoozing and making jokes with the Delta guys. Lesson learned…. not only from a personal level, but a business one too. I know a lot of you travel every week with your job, I used to myself. Take a que from Drew!!

So… this brings me to him stopping traffic. We have a handicap accessible van as our rental car. The rental company sent over a van to pick us up. Well, the lift that comes down for Drew get in the bus can’t go down on the curb, it has to lay down on the road. So with a devilish grin on his face, Drew drives off the curb and into on-coming traffic where all the hotel and rental buses are coming to pick up people. “I’ll just wait right here”!! Ha!! I could not stop laughing at him. Buses were driving by looking at us like we were crazy. Nope, not crazy, just need you to think about how someone in a wheelchair travels. It’s definitely more entertaining than the average bear! But again, a lesson to be learned here – no matter what life throws in your face: HAVE NO FEAR! Be brave enough to drive out into oncoming traffic if that’s what it takes to get you where you need to go!

 We arrive at the hotel to the most fantastic gift basket in our room. It looked like one of the gift baskets the celebrities used to get at the awards shows. Time to kick back, have a drink, enjoy some cheese and crackers and just soak up that we are in LA!!!! That’s right – WE ARE IN LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watchout California!

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The Flight to LA

January 17, 2010

First, can I just tell you how silly excited I am about this trip to LA. I’m going with Drew and his sister Melissa for a little vacation and to get some business done – get Redneck Ninja’s pitched!! Drew called me a little ball of energy when I met them at the bar, I think part of that was the entire pot of coffee I drank. Ha!

I’m reading this article on the flight about Anderson Cooper. In it he says, “You can’t predict how you’re going to respond when someone starts shooting or when suddenly your rights are taken away.” It immediately takes me back to my trip to Pakistan. When the very freedoms our soldiers are fighting for I lost the second I landed on foreign soil. The fear that invades you just by stepping outside to stretch your legs and walk down the street – will I get shot? kidnapped? As my mind was taking a dreadful walk down memory lane, Josh Grobin’s song “You Raise Me Up” comes on my iPod (yes, I know….a little girlish, but he has a great voice!) and I look over at Drew peacefully sleeping. It hits me that we also don’t know how we will react in the face of adversity. When you run into that brick wall called reality that you can’t move from the neck down. All of a sudden I feel like I’m in some Hollywood drama – listening to this song and tearing up over how surreal this moment is. I am going on the trip of a lifetime, getting this opportunity of a lifetime because of Drew. A man who can’t raise his own legs because of quadriplegia has raised up my hopes and spirits for the future. And while I have my Flip video camera to document things, it is not possible to capture this moment. “You raise me up to more than I can be.”

As I’m trying to soak all this in and hold it together so people don’t think I’m crazy, the rest of first class is worried about the score of the Minnesota – Dallas game. This may be one of the few times in my life I honestly don’t care about football. (besides, my Colts won yesterday…..)

Now I’m brought back to my own personal reality as I start to sneeze watching the flight attendant bring me another drink. Where is my Zyrtec??? I guess no matter how hard we fight it, we end up like our own mothers…. allergic to alcohol!!

Time to enjoy my next drink, find a good show on the tv to watch and we’ll be in LA soon!!

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It’s a New Year

January 6, 2010

Okay, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to finally say goodbye to 2009. What a horrible year! Hence, I know 2010 will be such a better year. I’ll even go as far as to say I think this will be the best year I’ve ever had! I won’t bore you with listing out my New Year’s Resolutions, most of which none of us keep anyways. But I will give you a hint and say this will be a record breaking year!

So make sure your seatbelts are strapped tight – it’s going to be a crazy, fun and adventurous ride this year. One I think you will very much enjoy, I know I will…. And it gets kicked off with a big bang of me going to LA with Drew.

Buckle up, hold on and just remember – THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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It’s Flooding

December 7, 2009

So… I’ve received a few emails asking where I have been over the last several weeks. I had to lock myself away to get prepared for a big test I took on Saturday. Now that it’s finally over, I can get back to life and back to writing. What has been interesting to me over the last two days is wiping the clouds away from my eyes and seeing reality again. I feel like I am looking at it through new eyes. So much has happened over the last month and I kept pushing it away, I had to stay focused on what I was doing and there would be plenty of time to deal with it after I took my test.

Now that the test is over, I feel like I’m in the middle of a flood. I finally decided to just go for it. Not going to law school was always one of my regrets in life. So I took the LSAT to see if I have a shot of getting into law school.  I’m 32 years old and this feels like the first time I have truly gone after one of my dreams. This was something I wanted for me and not one that someone else had for me. And at the end of the day, I may not get in, but at least I can say I went for it. How many others can truly say that??

It’s hitting me how I finally just got up off the damn floor. My mom would argue that my body has really needed more time than I am willing to admit to recover from heart failure. Maybe so. But for me, I feel like I hit a point where I had to just dare myself to get up off the floor. The old saying, I was tired of being tired. And I decided that I was no longer going to sit around and wait for someone else to make a decision about my life. Take that however you want. I refuse to settle in my life – whether it be with a romantic relationship, a job opportunity or a friendship. People who settle don’t have enough confidence in themselves that they deserve the best. I know I do. I know I deserve more than what is currently my life. I know I deserve better than how I’ve been treated in relationships. And I deserve better than what some friends have given me. I also know that nothing comes handed to you, you have to work for it. I’m prepared to do that. And I am also more prepared now than ever to start dropping the baggage that has been holding me back. Some of it I kept around because honestly I was too tired to deal with it. Some because I was worried there wouldn’t be anything else. Some I wasn’t sure if I would know how to live without it. So, like I said, I know I deserve more, I’m ready to fight hard for what I want and prepared to drop all the baggage holding me back. And I make no apologies for it.

The ironic thing I guess is how much just bullshit I pushed aside and said I would deal with it after my test was over with. Now that it is, some of this “stuff” really is just bull that needs throwing away in the garbage can. Why do we weigh ourselves down with dead weight? When someone treats us like crap, why do we continue to subject ourselves to it? Who gave anyone the right to play tug of war with your heart? We always make sacrifices for friends, but we need something back and they “don’t have the time” then why do we continue to make sacrifices for them? Why don’t we stand up for ourselves more? Maybe it’s because sometimes we just can’t let go of the past. And the realizations of the past changes how we view everything in the present.

But sometimes the things that we are most afraid of are the things that will bring us the most happiness. I’m holding on to that one. There was a part of me that was scared to be free, scared to take a chance. And even scared to face some strong realizations about my past, so that I don’t keep viewing the present in the same distorted eyes. Not anymore. A friend posted the best quote today on facebook that just sums all of this up, “Sometimes the greatest act of courage is being honest with yourself and living in that honesty.” I’m finally being honest with myself, and I’m going to live it.

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Complete Randomness Late at Night

December 6, 2009
  • It’s 30 degrees outside and I refuse to turn on my heat. I wrap up in sweaters, scarfs and mittens while sitting in my apartment, but I refuse to turn on the heat.
  • I have never shopped at TJ Max or Marshall’s, but their commercials are so good I just may have to check them out.
  • Not all frozen chicken is created equal. Seriously, Purdue is the best.
  • I dread having to go to Wal-Mart. It drives me up the wall.
  • I’m really digging boots this season.
  • Am I the only one who doesn’t care that Oprah is ending her show?
  • I’m sad football season is almost over.
  • Raspberry ginger ale is addictive. I promise. If you try it, you will be addicted.
  • I have a weird feeling that after January I will be a huge Lakers fan….. ;)
  • Atlanta just had a run off for the mayors race. The loser is calling for a third re-count. Really? A third? Because they miscounted the first two times???? I’m all for a re-count when the results are close. They did that. You lost. Move on. (And I didn’t vote in this one, so i honestly didn’t care either way how it turned out)
  • Really hate obnoxious sports fans. For some reason this football season has brought the worst out in people.
  • I’m over the news coverage of Tiger Woods crash/infidelity. He messed up. It’s really none of our business. But I will say the comedians have come up with some really funny jokes.
  • I can’t figure out how to turn on the fire in my fireplace. I realize the easy thing would be to ask, but I want to figure this one out on my own.
  • I keep losing my chapstick. I’ll buy two or three tubes and still lose them. They’re like pens, they magically disappear.
  • None of the people on the SCANA Energy commercials can dance. They all look stupid, just my opinion….
  • There are no hog lips or snouts in SPAM. Wow, really? Just everything else but the kitchen sink. That stuff should be banned.
  • The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
  • Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
  • I really, really want to meet Shane West.

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Cliff Jumping

November 6, 2009

If you read this blog consistently then you’ve seen a few reoccurring quotes that I love. One of the big one’s being “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.  And given that dancing is such a passion of mine, I’ve just kinda grabbed hold of this quote and ran with it. I even have a plaque with that quote on it hung up in my place…..

Last Saturday night, I found a new passion that I’m going to grab hold of and just run with it. That night I proudly sat in the audience and watched as my cousin, Jeanie, received her medal for 2 years being sober. There are only a handful of moments in my life that have truly taken my breath away – and this was one of them. Earlier this year I was humbled to have the honor of watching Jeanie as she told her story of her addictions and her journey to sobriety. But that journey didn’t stop there and it doesn’t stop as of Saturday night. That journey is one she has to make the decision to continue everyday when she wakes up. And for anyone out there reading this who thinks battling an addiction is easy or just simply “you stop doing it”, then I urge you to attend a meeting and listen to someone’s story. It truly is a fight against your demons everyday, but more beautifully it is such a testimony of just trusting in God and giving your battles over to Him.

“When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He’ll catch you when you fall, or He’ll teach you how to fly!”

From hearing Jeanie’s story before I was touched by how much it was truly the grace of God that my cousin is still alive today. But what took my breath away on Saturday was seeing how my cousin had completely let go when she got to edge of that cliff and fully trusted God. Not only had He caught her, He taught her how to fly. Seeing God work His promises right before your eyes is not only beautiful and amazing, it’s just breathtaking! And now Jeanie is being a strong example for other new people who walk into that room on a Saturday night feeling lost, feeling lonely, feeling that they have no other options that it can be okay, that you can beat this demon, that you can get and stay sober.

Henry Miller said, “True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.” To me this is what being a Christian is about. Submission to dedicate ourselves to something beyond ourselves – to God. And that is one of the underlying principles in the Saturday Night Live group – you can’t do this without God.  And what an example of strength to make that jump fully trusting in God, not knowing how or where you’re going to land – just knowing He will be there beside you. The Anonymous part of the group is true anonymity, so I will not write about anything else that was said that night outside of Jeanie (because I have her permission) to keep the integrity of the group. What I will say, though, is I now understand why you are Jeanie’s family. You are a HUGE part of what got her to 2 years and I look forward to being there for every year after this one. And that also makes you a part of my family. Jeanie – I am so proud of you, your example and strength is an inspiration to me.

God tells us that He will never leave us or forsake us, that He will strengthen and protect us. I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna start going cliff jumping!!

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A Month of Thanks

November 1, 2009

A friend of mine had a great idea on facebook that since it’s November, and Thanksgiving, that each day she would post something she was thankful for. I thought it was an excellent idea. Too often we only focus on the bad and not enough on the good. So keep coming back to this one, I’ll update it as I add the daily things I am thankful for!!

Nov 1st – Its November… I’m going to post something I’m thankful for every day this month. Today I’m thankful for a God who loves, stands beside me, supports me and never turns His back on me. Even when I turn my back on Him! ♥

Nov 2nd – today I am thankful for the new medicine Tysabri. May it do it’s job of stopping the progression of MS in all who take it, and no more cases of PML. For alot of MS patients like myself out there, this drug is all we have left until they find a cure. So I’m thankful for it, and the special people who developed it.

Nov 3rd – today I am thankful for my beautiful grandmother, Nanny, who was born this day several years ago. (she would prob not like me to reveal her actual age..) She is a wise woman who was an excellent example of what it means to truly trust in the Lord and be a prayior warrior. I love you Nanny!!

Nov 4th – today I am thankful for those inspiring nicknames my Dad and Super Dave have given me – Wyatt Earp and The Swan. Even on our best days, everyone needs a little inspiration. Thank you for the motivation, thank you for being a part of this journey and thank you for helping me feel beautiful during something so ugly.

Nov 5th – today I am so incredibly thankful for my mother. You are so beautiful inside and out and have the most wondeful heart for God. You give me strength when I have none left. If I can ever be half the woman you are one day, then I’ll be a lucky girl. I love you more than you will ever know Mom.

Nov 6th – today I am thankful for all the men and women who serve in our military – past and present. You keep this country safe and make it possible for me to have the freedoms I have. I am so very grateful for that. And my prayers are with all the soldiers and families at Fort Hood.

Nov 7th – and today I am thankful for my mom’s magical trail mix. Not only is it a great low sodium snack, it serves for a great breakfast when you don’t have time to make anything. One day this trail mix will be available to the masses, but for now I get to enjoy it!!

Nov 8th – and today I am thankful that I still have a gut intuition that works. I was right yesterday when I said something wasn’t right. And with that, I am thankful I have family that is close by that can come running fast when my heart goes kaput. I couldn’t have made it through last night without you Mom & Dad.

Nov 9th – and today I’m thankful for chocolate!! Chocolate always puts a smile on my face. Especially Wyndy’s chocolate cake. Yummo!!!!

Nov 10th – and today I am thankful for time. Time for my heart to heal, time to figure out which way to turn next on this roadmap of life, time to just sit still and listen.

Nov 11th – and today I am thankful for all of our veterans, like my grandfather, who proudly served our country. May their stories never be forgotten, may their sacrifices always be honored. Happy Veterans Day!!

Nov 12th – and today I am thankful for two very important people in my life. My wonderful nephew Dustin – Happy Birthday! I still remember rocking you to sleep as a baby. You have been such a blessing to my life, and I’m so proud of all that you have accomplished & your service to our country in Operation Iraqi Freedom. I will jump out of a plane anyday with you!! And my beautiful cousin Jeanie. Happy Birthday to you!! You continue to inspire me with your strength & perserverance. I am in awe of what you have overcome and look forward to cliff jumping with you!!
I love you both and am so thankful to have you in my life!!!

Nov 13th – today I am thankful for my heart. Even though medically it’s weak, it’s strong in all the ways that count. I’ve almost made it a year recovering from my heart failure. No man nor science will break this heart. I urge all if you to please take care of your heart. Every minute a woman dies in this country of heart disease, every minute!!! It is THE #1 KILLER in America.

Nov 14th – today I am thankful for college football. You win some, you lose some, but ain’t nothing better than watching your team duke it out. And I am especially thankful for Tennessee football. You guys may not have shown up yesterday to play, but I love ya anyways. Go Big Orange!!!

Nov 15th – today I am thankful for Daron & Tiffany’s wedding anniversary. Daron, you brought the most wonderful woman into our family and gave me a best friend. I couldn’t have made it through 2008 without her. I am so grateful for both of you. Happy Anniversary guys, I love you!

Nov 16th -  today I am thankful for the days I wake up & can walk. Today wasn’t one of them & it makes me realize how much even I take walking for granted. Over 400,000 Americans suffer the debilitating effects of MS. Say a prayer for them today,not all have access to the support system or resources like I do. I’m thankful …for days I can walk,for the fighting spirit on days I can’t & the people that love me regardless.

Nov 17th – today I am thankful for Trader Joe’s. You have the most wondeful alternatives for people who are on different or restrictive diets. I heart Trader Joes!!

Nov 18th – today I am thankful for all the doors that are opening for me. This just keeps getting better and better. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me yet, but I’m enjoying the ride as we find out. As I said before, the best is yet to come.

Nov 19th – today I am thankful for my Dad. Not only are you my hero, you have always been my #1 cheerleader (next to Mom). You believe in me when I don’t believe in myself, you motivate me when I hit brick walls and you give me sledgehammers to make my own doors when the world slams them in my face. Not only am …I proud of eveything you are and have done in this world, I know DaddyFrank is proud of the son, father, doctor and now DaddyFrank you have become. I am honored to have you as my father. I only hope I can fill your big shoes one day!! I love you Dad!!

Nov 20th -  today I am thankful for college mascots. Uga, you did a lot for the University of Georgia and the SEC. As the only college mascot to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated, you brought much attention and respect to our conference. RIP and my condolences to all the Georgia fans.

Nov 21st – today I am thankful for my bike.And for my brother introducing me to the love of cycling.You have given me a wonderful outlet to let go and get away from the world for a little while, when I’m on my bike. Not to mention a way for me to prove all the doctors wrong,I will ride the MS Bike Tour aga…in.Taking her today over to Terry’s to get some work done, don’t know why my cateye isn’t working.

Nov 22nd – today I am thankful for good soup on a cold, chilly day. Just makes you feel all warm and cozy. And yes, you can have really good, low sodium soup. My version is ever better than the original in most cases.

Nov 23rd – today I am thankful for my ex-husband. Happy Birthday Waleed. While our marriage didn’t work,you taught me more about myself than anyone has. It’s because of you that I am a better woman, a stronger Christian, & if God grants me the chance again -will be a better wife one day. I wish… you all the happiness & joys that I am finding in my life again. Shukria, mayra dost!!

Nov 24th – today I am thankful for my smile! It sure hasn’t left my face all day long and I love days like these. As I said earlier, the best is yet to come… and things just keep getting better. And I have to give a special shout-out thanks to my DaddyFrank who is smiling on me in Heaven. I wouldn’t have this smile without you! You were the best orthadontist to ever grace this earth!

Nov 25th – and today I am thankful for second chances. God has granted me two big ones and I am eternally grateful. I am lucky to be alive. For whatever reason the Big Man just wasn’t ready for me. So I’m going to make the most of my second chance with everything in me, grabbing hold and not letting go. If you’re lucky enough to get a second chance, make something worthwhile of it. God didn’t let you down, so don’t let Him down.

Nov 26th – and today I am thankful I don’t have to eat any turkey!!! I love non-traditional Thanksgiving dinners. Lobster – here I come!!!! :) But I hope everyone else enjoys their turkey and has a Happy Thanksgiving!

Nov 26th – and today I am truly thankful I’m alive. My doctor told me I wasn’t supposed to make it to the end of this year, and my heart is getting stronger. So thank you God for keeping me here, there is so much I have left to do in this world. And thank yo…u to my family and friends who have supported me over the last year. I am blessed.

Nov 27th – and today I am thankful for the beauty, peace and serenity of the North Georgia mountains. There truly is a place in this world where you can leave all your worries behind in the city, and my parents just happen to own it!!!

Nov 28th – today I am thankful for the true friends in my life who stick with me thru thick and thin, good or bad, happy or sad times. Those that have loved me no matter what. I am so fortunate for the great friends I have in my life. Thank you for being there, for making me laugh and definitely for making my life fun and interesting!!

Nov 29th – today I am thankful for families who open their hearts & lives up to adoption. Every child deserves a family. I am thankful Carrie made it to Africa safely & got to see Mykah & Jackson yesterday. Please pray the adoption process is a speedy one & for safe travels home. Chris & Carrie, I can’t wait to m…eet the new additions to your family.

Nov 30th – and today I am thankful for my dear friend Drew Bates, his company Unique Publications and his incredible project Redneck Ninjas. You continue to inspire me with your creativity and determination. I …am so thankful you kicked that 18-wheelers butt and am honored to be a part of your life. I look forward to this adventure and being a part of the journey with you as Redneck Ninjas goes worldwide!!! Everybody needs a little ninja!!!

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Taking the Blinders Off

October 24, 2009

How many times have we listened to friends talk about their relationships and we can see it’s the wrong one or something is just not right, but they play the “ignorance is bliss” card on us? And we’ll say, you need to take those blinders off. Why is it so hard to take those blinders off? Why are we so scared to see what is right there in front of us?

A friend of mine on facebook always does these great inspirational messages. Yesterday morning she posted an awesome one:  Albert Einstein said: “Most people see what is, and never see what can be”. So I ask you, family to uncover those eyes; explore the possibilities and you will be amaze of all the beautiful things around you. Have faith in what God promise you… and walk in it.

I can’t get this message out of my head. People see what is, and never see what can be. I guess sometimes we lose the forrest for the trees. Happiness could be right there in front of you but you’re too afraid to grab a hold of it. The answers to your questions, the possibilities – right in front of your eyes, but we refuse to uncover them. Maybe it’s because we get stuck in a holding pattern of our everyday lives. Or, we don’t believe we deserve better, or that there truly is better out there.

I am just as guilty about having blinders on in my own life. You get comfortable in your everyday routine, you get complacent that “this” is all there is to life. I’m trying to take my blinders off, looking at the bigger picture and take a chance. In doing so I have gotten hurt, but ya know- no regrets. No risk, no reward – right? But if I don’t take the blinders off, then I stay complacent in the life I have – and I know there is more for me out there. Taking the blinders off isn’t just about analyzing the romantic relationships in your life, it’s also about the friendships that may be poisonous, it’s about life opportunities that could be passing you by…..

So, I’m going to try to keep the blinders off in my life. And I hope you will start to do the same.

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Wrestling Demons

October 16, 2009

Ok, so most of my fighting matches and blogs have been centered around karate, but this one is going to be a little different. Inside all of us are demons we are constantly battling to be the better person we know we can be. The demons that whisper good-for-nothing temptations in your ears. The demons that just curl themselves up in a suitcase for you to carry as extra baggage all your life until you decide to deal with it, until you decide to wrestle.

The big demon I am wrestling right now is Mr.Sandman. You have infiltrated my dreams long enough to no avail. You gave me hopes and beliefs that were not grounded in anything but mirages. And like a camel walking to water, I ran straight to your mirage with open arms, only to end up grabbing at empty air. Just like the feeling you left in my heart – empty. You sprinkled your magic dust in my mind to dream that the universe would grant me that one more wish, only to wake up with a haunted halo.

“Confront the dark parts of your self and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strengths.” – August Wilson

Everyday when I wake up I have demons to wrestle – will I be able to walk, will I make it through the day without a seizure, will I be able to breathe, will I have extra fluid in my chest from my heart. Will I be strong enough to fight it all off, still keep a smile on my face and keep my focus on where I am going in life. Will I truly have the strength to not give up on my fight. Will I be smart enough to make it to where I need to go. Will I know that I’m not all alone when there’s no one there to hold my hand. Will I wake up alive. Will my heart function okay on its own. Maybe that’s the difference between you and me, Mr.Sandman. I don’t have a choice. These demons wait patiently for me as I sleep and seem to be several cups of coffee ahead of me when I wake up. So ready or not, they attack as soon as I get out of bed. Whereas you can simply pack all of your demons in that luggage you carry around. But battling these demons makes me stronger. Battling these demons makes me a better person.  Battling these demons keeps me alive. And soon enough, these demons will get tired of wrestling with me and will move on to the next soul to haunt. And the fact that I am brave enough to get up and fight them everyday, makes my angels sing even louder and motivates me even more.

So, Mr.Sandman, what’s your excuse? What do you possibly have to hide behind? What could be so terrifying that it is greater than life? You know what your demons are. You know the door is right there to walk through to get your battle started, so what’s holding you back? What are you so scared of? That you might actually become a better person, that you might actually feel happy and more alive than you ever felt before? That you might experience some relief from not carrying around all that baggage? (because I promise you, it’s a hell of a lot lighter load) That maybe it’s time for you to finally grow up? That maybe your two regrets don’t have to be regrets but actually dreams you make come true? You are the only one in charge of your own happiness. So own it!

Here’s one thing I do know, when God sends us down strong paths He gives us strong shoes. I happen to also have a pretty good pair of boxing gloves. But in true martial arts fashion – you have to be good on your feet and on the ground. So I keep my demons guessing all the time on what angle I’ll hit them with. You have to figure out what artillery you need to fight your demons. And as angry as I am that you have crossed over the line to the other side to be my demon versus the sweet something to look forward to in my dreams, I wish you all the best with your fight. And hope you find your peace.

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Poker Face

October 15, 2009

Several years ago I tried my hand at poker in Las Vegas. Yeah…. let’s just say I lost some money. Guess that means I’m not that great of a poker player. I think one quality that makes a good poker player is the ability to count cards. To know how the deck is stacked against them, or what cards are left you may have left to play with. To me, this is a very important part of the game. If you can’t, then you could easily get blindsided with a pair of Aces you just can’t compete against. Another quality of a good poker player is having that all stoic poker face. Guess that’s why a lot of professional poker players wear sunglasses. You can read so much in someone’s eyes – so why not keep them hidden from the rest of the world? Right.

Well, if those two qualities make a good poker player, then I think it’s pretty obvious why I suck at this game. While I am great at reading the enemy (or for most times the competition), when it comes to matters of the heart, I can never properly count the deck or even see when the deck was so clearly stacked against me that I had no way of winning straight out of the gate. The passionate nature in me makes it impossible for me to keep expressions off my face. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And even in the darkest pair of Prada sunglasses, you will see the pain, hurt and emptiness resonate brightly through my eyes when I have lost, or am about to lose.

In the book, The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch says, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” How profound that is. I can’t change the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis. There is no cure for it. But what I can do is change everyday how I play my hand depending on the cards MS wants to deal me. And over the years I feel I have become quite the master at this one. You dealt me a hand that would take away my legs. I called your bluff and got them back only with a pair of crazy eight’s!! Every hand you have dealt me, I have methodically, carefully, yet strategically played my way through to where I held the winning card in the end. (why some of this wisdom didn’t carry over to Las Vegas, I know not….) Since I was winning so much there, you decided to raise the stakes on me and deal me a new hand with a failing heart. And right now we are still playing this particular round of poker….. but I’m feeling pretty confident.

The irony here is that I can count how the deck is stacked against me with MS, and I’m slowly but surely getting there with my heart. But when it comes to love, I am the worst poker player around. The cards are dealt and I didn’t even count to see the critical ones that were left to be played. The cards that would make it impossible for me to win. See, the deck was stacked to where I had no chance of ever winning this particular hand. And since I wear my heart on my sleeve, my opponent was able to read my hand without me ever uttering a word. Strike two!! But being the daring and competive person I am, I raised up the anty – all or nothing! But he drew the Queen of Diamonds, and for this round – that was all he needed to kill my hand. Strike three! Maybe we’ll meet again at the poker table, maybe not. Maybe I’ll entertain another match one day, maybe not. Maybe I’ll stop playing cards all together and just stick with chess…..

What I do know is that while my card game is clearly up on this poker table, I still love to play and will move on to the next interesting gamble I can make here in Vegas. But let me leave the winner of this last hand with one piece of advice, and this comes straight from the Eagles – “Don’t you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy, she’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.” Your Queen of Diamonds may have won out for this ONE hand, but always remember that you can never lose when you bet on the Queen of Hearts. Even being down a hand, in the end, she’s always the winner. Too bad your sunglasses are a little too dark to see that. Maybe that poker face doesn’t help you win just as much as you think.

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