Salt is Not the Spice of Life's Blog

There Must Be Something More?????

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 02:44:30 +0000

I’ll go ahead an answer that question out right – yes, there is something more. I wrote a paper for class and the title was ” The Journey is the Destination”. Never before has this been so true in my life. You guys have followed me over the last year and a half as I struggled and fought my way through this mess of heart failure and my life being flipped upside down and shaken sideways. One of my biggest frustrations was simply wanting to know what road in life I was supposed to go down.

“The words you said to me, they couldn’t set me free
I’m stuck here in this life, I didn’t ask for
There must be something more, Do we know what we’re fighting for
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in
With all these mask we wore, we never knew what we had in store..” – Secondhand Serenade

One of my favorite sayings is that we never promised this life would be easy, only that it would be worth it. As doors got slammed in my face, the numbers on my heart went up and down and up and down, as I fiercely tried to just find my place; I am starting to see that the journey really is the destination.

I was stuck in a life I definitely didn’t ask for and I sure as hell didn’t want. No one goes into marriage expecting to be divorced. No one hopes they have to completely start their life over again at 30. No one wakes up one day and decides they want to fight for their life, fight for their heart to just work right.

And just when I thought there wasn’t something more than this out there for me, God answered my question. I am finally exactly where I’m supposed to be. Everything I’m not has made me everything I am. I honestly didn’t know before now exactly what I was fighting for. And for a long time, I feel like I wasted energy fighting for the wrong things. But I know what it is I am fighting for. When you get on the right path, so many things just fall into place.

There is something more out there for me. I am living, breathing and indulging myself in it right now. And what is so awesome, is that I know this is just the beginning. There is still so much more for me out there. Finally, my heart is open to welcoming all of it.

I’m On A Boat!!!

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Tue, 18 May 2010 00:48:32 +0000

There’s the old saying that when one door closes another opens. And I feel like I’ve had a lot of doors slammed in my face over the last year and a half. In “The Last Lecture”, Randy Pausch says “If you can find an opening then you can find a way to float through it.” He also says, “Sometimes all you have to do is ask and it can lead to all of your dreams coming true.” So, I did. I asked. And I’m not just going to float – I’m sailing away full speed. The journey ahead is not going to be an easy one. I know I’m in for some rough waters. But I’ve dropped a lot of baggage to make my trek much lighter. And most importantly, I have my solid anchor – Christ with me every step of the way.

Today I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that I truly believe God has been preparing me for. I’ve let go of some old parts of me that were weighing me down and holding me back. I made the decision to sat goodbye to a few big aspects of my life, and some people in my life. If you don’t let go, you can never grow. You will never see me for the woman I am, only for the girl I used to be. And that girl has grown, changed, and is no longer a part of me. When you wake up one day and realize you may not have as much of your life left as you thought, time is really not something you want to waste anymore.

My door finally opened, my opening finally showed itself. It is with a serene peach and extreme happiness that I jump on board and charge full steam ahead. For the first time in a long time, I feel God is steering me in the right direction. Actually – truth be told, He has all along. I just needed to be patience, be still and listen.

And now…. I’m on a BOAT!!!

These Dreams…..

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Mon, 10 May 2010 22:34:13 +0000

One of the mantra’s I preach is to live life with no regrets. For the most part, I have. When I look back on my life there are clearly disappointments, but very few items I would say I sincerely regret. Till I started having these dreams….. It’s a dream that has the same theme in it, all linked back to the one event in my life. I don’t know if these dreams are triggered from the fact that I’ve re-connected with this person on facebook or from the fact that it’s prom season or just because I’ve tried to really spend time analyzing what I do and don’t like from my life.

My regret isn’t about having the event itself. My regret stems from never apologizing. It wasn’t until years later when I started better understanding myself that I was able to see the mistake I had made. But when you’re in high school you’re young, immature, naive, inexperienced…. You just don’t know the ways of life or of the heart yet.

In my dream, I make right what I did wrong the first time. Maybe this is some way of my sub-conscience trying to tell me that there are many wrongs I need to right, regardless of who was in the wrong (isn’t that always one we hold on to so tightly = but they were in the wrong…). Maybe it’s my minds way of getting me to think of some options I may not have previously considered. Maybe it’s because it’s prom season and so that’s been the talk around town. Maybe it’s “la-la lands” way of helping me reminisce since I can’t even remember dancing at any of the three proms I went to…..(MS has made my memory like swiss cheese) I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to see the error in my ways. I am sorry I never gave that a chance back then because you were a really great guy. I am sorry I never tried to find you years later when the reality finally caught up with me and tell you I was sorry. And I don’t know if you ever get on my blog and read my endless rants here and there. And even if you do, I don’t know if you would even remember what I am talking about. But if you do, know that I am sorry. I was a stupid girl back then who has learned more than 5 lifetimes worth of experience in my soon to be 33 years. And I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time around.

Who knows if I would have or will ever get a second chance, but if not, I know these dreams will go on when I close my eyes….

Life Changes

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 21:52:24 +0000

So many times I have heard new mothers say they never truly knew what love was until they held their baby for the first time. While I’m not a mother, I feel like I finally understand that statement. Babies are born everyday, but this baby is particularly special. This baby melted a cold, hardened part of my heart I didn’t think would ever feel again. I even found myself calling everyone telling them she was the most beautiful baby ever born. (however, I may be just a little biased…)

“Children make you want to start life over.” – Muhammad Ali

I never would have expected this little 6-pound package to make such an impact in my life. Anger, frustration, hurt feelings were all washed away the second I laid eyes on that precious, little face. And for me, my life changed. It no longer mattered who was right or wrong. All that matters is that she is in my life, and my purpose is to make sure she has the best life possible.

I love you Baylee Rose. Born April 19th at 6:42p.m. – the minute my life changed. You are a sweet rose in the garden on life.

Time

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 11:20:09 +0000

“Time is all you have. And you may find one day you have less than you think.” – from The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

For 2010, time seems to be flying by at a faster speed than years before. And I’m not quite sure why. I know this year is not turning out quite the way I had anticipated. But time has been really been weighing heavy on my mind. I have been appalled at the amount of time people in this country have invested in hate. I don’t know if its been directed towards hate of the unknown, hate of what they truly don’t understand or hate of what they cannot control or change. Either way, it’s still hate. I’ve been disappointed at the time people who were my friends have spent severing any bit of past we had together. My eyes have been opened at the amount of time certain people have spent showing their true colors. And let’s just say the picture they have painted is far from being beautiful, inspirational or even one I want in my life anymore. I’ve been saddened at the time wasted on the small, petty things in life that really weren’t going to move you forward in your quest. Time used to throw out words that you can never take back. Time lost to simply telling those you love how you feel about them, because you never know when you won’t have that time left to say everything you wish you had. I’m surprised at the time I have needed to heal, and still need. I struggle with this one – I’ve been frustrated and in the same, excited at the time I’ve devoted to one particular love. I hope I don’t get to the end of that road to discover it has all been a waste of my time.

Time. There never seems to be enough minutes or hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. We never seem to have enough time to spend with our loved ones. And for me I feel like this year has been a race against time. I see an hourglass in front of me with the sand slipping through it, my time slowing running out. Because of that, many priorities in my life have changed. I would say even more so than with the battles I faced last year. I’m not wasting my time fighting unnecessary fights, investing energy in relationships or activities that aren’t going anywhere. But I am giving more time to me, to the people who matter and count in my life, to my health, and most importantly – to my relationship with God. He is ultimately the one who can give me the time I need.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions, my main one – I am still diligently working on. And it seems about every turn of the road another brick wall gets put up in front of me. In The Last Lecture, Randy writes that brick walls are there for a reason. I’m trying to figure out the reason for mine. I honestly think part of them are to force me to stop and trust God, because that is one thing I haven’t been the best at doing lately. Another reason for them, I think, is to make me want the end result that much more. But one thing I have with a brick wall being put up – is time. Time to figure out how to get over it.

At the end of the day, all we have is time. Time can be on your side or work against you. How will you choose to use it? Don’t wait till the day comes for someone to tell you your days are numbered to start living like it was your last day. And while this year hasn’t started off the way I hoped for, I have time to change the direction in which it goes from this point on.

A Moment to Say, Thanks!

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 02:28:23 +0000

It’s only Wednesday and man has this been one emotionally draining week. And with it, I was reminded of some incredible people in my life I just wanted to say thanks to. These are the people that kept me up, kept me moving, kept me smiling and basically – kept me alive during my divorce and thru my heart failure. When you go thru something so life changing, it is so easy to just cut the rest of the world off from you. To hole up. To stick your head in the sand. To be angry at the whole world. To give up. And some key people in my life kept me from doing all of that. When I didn’t want to see the light of day, they threw the curtains back and drug my butt out of bed. When I wanted to be by myself, they grabbed a bottle of wine and a good movie and made sure I wasn’t alone. When I didn’t know if I would ever laugh again, they helped me find my smile. And when I just wanted to throw in the towel, they pushed and challenged me to be better than I was before; and they grabbed that towel out of my hand.

That is what a true friend is. Someone who will pick you up when you fall flat on your face, love you when your ugly, be your strongest supporter, and never give up on you – even if you give up on yourself. I am so thankful I have people like this in my life. You know who you are, and I do not tell you “thank you” enough. I don’t tell you how much I love you, value you and cherish you being in my life enough. I would not be here today with out you.

“You walked with me, footprints in the sand
And helped me understand where I’m going
You walked with me when I was all alone
With so much I know along the way
Then I heard you say
I promise you, I’m always here
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you when you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand.” -Leona Lewis

For each of you that made that difference in my life, I promise you – I will carry you when you need the friend. You will always find my footprints in the sand, right beside you.

Sit Back & Smoke a Cigar

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 19:56:29 +0000

I have been especially sentimental over this last week. Reminiscing….going through old songs on my iPod, photos…… Thinking about what was, what could have been, maybe even what should have been….. A door I thought had closed forever, and probably should be, was re-opened with a mysterious email. Funny how that can take you on a trip down memory lane – some good, some bad.

One place it did lead me was to one of my favorite trips, favorite memories – when Renee and I went to Paris. Nothing but a backpack, a little cash, a Paris guidebook and two open & eager minds to explore the world got on a train and had no idea what was ahead of us. We saw Paris in a way many people never will. The memory that sticks so strongly in my mind was us at the Buddha Bar. It was the first (and only time mind you) I had smoked a Cuban cigar. We had a glass of Cognac to go with it. All dressed up with our cigar and cognac, I felt so sophisticated…cultured…worldly. We were free spirits ready to embark on the city of love and enjoy whatever it had to give us. I didn’t want to let go of that feeling then, and I don’t want to let go of it now. The serenity in just sitting back and enjoying that cigar, without a care in the world of what’s going to happen tomorrow, or if I’ll ever have someone to spend tomorrow with. The bravery to grab him by the hand and go salsa dancing when we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. I miss those times. With all the craziness going on in my life right now, it makes me want to just sit back and smoke a cigar.

For those of you out there that are cigar smokers, please check out my friend’s blog and start following him on facebook and twitter: http://cigarsage.com/
Right now, Cigar Sage has a great giveaway where one lucky winner can get the sampler box from Alec Bradley. So check him out, and become a subscriber. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the lucky winner and we can just sit back and smoke a cigar.

Reflections

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:31:37 +0000

So I’ve been back 4 days now from LA, and I still can’t get my body back in tune with East coast time. Or maybe the exhaustion hasn’t completely left my body. I already feel like I am 3 weeks behind in everything I need to do, with no time to catch up on sleep or work…… 2010 just starts and time is flying by!!

Everyday since I’ve been back, there is something new I find in my daily activities to be thankful for. I feel like that is one of the best ways I can pay respects to Drew for the beautiful gift he shared with me – his life. It’s crazy because today it hit me like a ton of bricks. A few “incidents” happened today that really tested my nerves and my patience. What pushed me over the edge with them was priorities, realizations. These “incidents” are so meaningless, and stupid compared to the battles Drew faces on a daily basis. I was reading the latest People magazine and the cover was Heidi Montag and all of her plastic surgery. In the article she talked about how it really tested her marriage because Spencer had to pull down her pants for her to go to the bathroom. REALLY??? I thought I had one up because with my MS, my mom has had to carry me to the bathroom, so did my ex-husband. But that is truly nothing compared to what Drew has endured.

So, as I struggle to get back “normal” life here in Atlanta (my heart still feels like it went thru the Powerman…) here is what I know: I am a lucky person to know Drew Bates. I am humbled for being around him. For all of you out there that are just “friends” with him on facebook, I challenge you to really get to know him. See what he is all about, and how you can be a part of what will one day be his incredible empire. Make sure the ones you love know that you love them. Life can change so dramatically, so quickly. Hug them, kiss them, don’t go to bed mad at them. Let the small stuff go. Have no regets. Live your life to the absolute fullest it can be. Be thankful for every breathe you take, because you never know when it will be your last.

Leaving LA

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 04:01:17 +0000

It breaks my heart seeing Drew leave LA. I feel like I’m dragging a kid out of the toy store. Drew and I shared a personal moment with him talking on the video about what he was disappointed about. Make no mistake, there was NO disappointment on the activities of the week. His disappointment lies with _______ well, I’ll let you wait and see that one once the documentary is done. I guarantee you, it will bring a tear to your eye and touch a place in your soul. For someone who has such a tough exterior, there is a soft side in there.

As I’m writing this I’m listening to my iPod, Needtobreathe. And the song, “The Heat” comes on, just as magically as the Josh Grobin song came on when I was flying out here…..
Let the drumbeats wash you over
Let the songs come and take you under
Push the life that brought you here, away from you tonight
There’s a place where the pain can’t touch ya
And there’s a fire where the heat won’t burn ya
It’s in the sound of your voice tonight singing in one song

You get a headache and you can take an advil. You break a bone, and the doc may give you a stronger pain pill. That doesn’t even begin to touch the pain Drew lives in. I look over at the goofball and he is dancing in his seat. He can always make me laugh. Change is inevitable, Drew is proof that you can survive it. Families are forever. No matter what you do, no matter what happens. Family is there. Family is love.

I am so thankful to add John and Joe to my family. This week is something I will never forget. And no words I write will ever do this justice. One day Drew, we will find that place where the pain can’t touch you.

The Height of Excellence

saltisnotthespiceoflife — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 03:29:59 +0000

As we continue on this movie journey, in line with all drama’s we end this trip with an invitation to The Screen Actor’s Guild Awards Show. Words cannot begin to express what that experience was like. The second I put on my dress, I felt like a queen getting ready to go to her coronation. And Drew was absolutely handsome in his tux! It is the most sensational experience to walk the red carpet. If only these crazy fans in the stands were screaming my name…… I have to work on my impromptu smile. It’s harder than it looks people! You are concentrating on not stepping on your dress or falling, then at a nano-seconds notice you have to pose, smile, click – photo taken. You really have to be on your game walking the red carpet! Word to newbies out there who will eventually attend one of these shows – until you are famous enough to have someone carry your train down the red carpet, don’t get a dress with a long train…. Just saying….

Melissa and I got to be back stage with Joe. Joe designed the set for the awards show, and it was absolutely breathtaking!! Just beautiful. One thing I that has become crystal clear to me out here this week, I do not like to be in front of the camera. I prefer all the behind the scenes stuff. (Guess that’s a good thing Drew loves the camera so much!!) It was incredible being amongst all of these celebrities and incredible actors. To see Mo’nique win for Best Female Actor in a Supporting Role was very surreal. She was genuinely shocked she won. When she came off stage, she just had this deer in the headlights look, like she couldn’t believe what just happened. Seeing how completely giddy the cast of Glee was with their win was so much fun! I felt like I was celebrating right there with them.

What made this night so special for me personally was Betty White receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award. Golden Girls is my all time favorite tv show EVER. I have every season on DVD and still watch them over and over and over again. She is what made me star struck. Just to be in her presence….. Amazing. Excellence.

One great aspect of this week is that there truly are still some good guys left in Hollywood. People who don’t conform to the superficial mask the industry wants you to put on, people who don’t buy into the hype that they are larger than life. But…. you still have a few bad apples out there too.

This is truly an experience I will never forget. (Although I would like to forget my little tumble down the stairs as I was rushing to get back stage to greet Kevin Bacon as he came off stage. Luckily, he didn’t see the tumble. Sadly, I didn’t get to see him…..Next time!)