Here are just a few random things I don’t understand:

- Why maternity clothes are so dang expensive for something you will only wear a couple of months (at best, because your belly grows and not necessarily the clothes to fit…).

- Why some people change their relationship status on facebook every week. Are you really that confused on if you’re in a relationship? If you are, then I would venture to say you are not really in a relationship…..

- Why I always lose my favorite pen. I’m starting to think maybe my husband is stealing them….

- Why people bash and rip apart things they don’t believe in, i.e. religion. If you don’t believe in said subject being bashed, that is your right, but no one gave you the right to be ugly and hateful.

- Why Tums used to disgust me before, but as a pregnant woman they taste like candy.

- Why people protest to hate Christianity and not believe in Jesus, yet on Christmas Day they will ask Jesus to give them a job. So… which is it? Either you believe or you don’t.

- How we seem to get dog hair on things and places our dogs have not been in the house. Their hair seems to have magical wings to go everywhere.

- Why weddings, funerals and births seem to bring out the worst in people, when it should bring out the best.

- Why my neighbor a few doors down has a dog. The poor thing is left outside all the time, and it’s been getting below freezing a few nights here. No animal deserves to be left outside all the time with no love, or compassion, or interaction.

- Why some people can’t say the two tiny words of “thank you”. Is it really that hard to acknowledge when someone has done something nice or given you a gift?

- Why some games seem more fun with your own personal sound effects.

- Why men don’t understand that pregnant women are emotional, and sometimes that means crying.

- Why dogs understand the concept of loyalty and unconditional love better than people do. There really are a lot of lessons we could learn from our dogs.

- Why my husband will never close a cabinet door after he opens it.

- Why people will post a very controversial opinion on facebook and then get angry when one of their 6,000 friends doesn’t agree. If you want to believe the whole world thinks just as you do, then keep your opinion to yourself.

- Why Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Anniston’s hair always looks perfect, and why I can’t get mine to do anything.

- Why people will post “Don’t send me a group text message” on facebook. Do you really think you are that important? Very few people have the stature that they can say that and get away with it. But clearly if you are posting that, you aren’t busy in your life or have to multi-task. And in case you didn’t realize, it took you longer to post that stupid status update than it would have to delete the group text message.

- Why I can never seem to drink enough water. I am always thirsty!

And you know what else I don’t understand….
- Why it seems to take twice as long to take down Christmas decorations than it did to put them up.

Now that I am expecting, it’s very important to me that my child not only be a healthy eater but have a versatile pallet as well. Now, having said that, I am not naive enough to believe he will eat everything I put in front of him, or like everything I cook. But I have to believe there is more than just feeding my child chicken nuggets and fast food.

I have been told by various people (whom are parents) that my child will eat only what he or she wants to and at the end of the day it will be either pizza or chicken nuggets or some type of fast food. I didn’t grow up eating those things multiple times a week. My husband didn’t grow up eating any of those things. So why is it so different with today’s youth? Is it because we have more fast food restaurants available than health care facilities? Is it because we have become a nation of convenience?

Obesity and poor eating habits are one of the big risk factors for heart disease. It’s really easy to sit in our cushy chair in front of the tv and say “that won’t happen to me or my child”. If you truly believe it couldn’t happen to you or your bundle of joy, then here are a couple of facts you need to pay attention to. Heart disease affects over 58 million Americans and results in more than 40% of all deaths in the U.S., more lives than the next seven leading causes of all deaths combined. Every 33 seconds another American DIES from heart disease. One out of two women will die of heart disease, and one out of four men.

The Surgeon General’s Report on Nutrition says that eight out of ten leading causes of death in the U.S. have a nutrition or alcohol component. Failure to pay attention to nutrition significantly increases one’s risk for heart disease, obesity and diabetes just to name a few. According to the CDC, 17% of children and adolescents are obese. And statistics show that obese children and teenagers have a 70% chance of being obese adults. All you need to do is watch one episode of The Biggest Loser to see how some of these health implications play out.

The link between nutrition and heart disease is so profound. Proper nutrition is the key lifestyle measure in combatting significant problems and lowering one’s risk for heart disease. I could go on and on about the list of factors that contribute to childhood obesity and poor eating habits, but I feel it starts at home. It starts with the parents. It starts with the foundation we lay for our children. And from a nutritional standpoint, it starts with what you put on the dinner table. In the time it takes you to preheat your oven and cook those chicken nuggets, I could have a quick marinade or rub on a chicken and be pulling that healthier option off the grill. Children won’t eat unhealthy snacks if you don’t have them in your house. And since when did it become the child’s decision and not the parents on if they can drink sugar-filled sodas?

Now, I’m not saying that cooking healthy is easy, and it’s definitely not convenient at times. And I’m not saying it’s wrong to have pizza night every once and awhile, or even to let your kids experience a happy meal. And I’m not saying I’m going to be perfect at this. What I am saying is this should not be the norm in your house. I personally don’t feel that chicken nuggets should be the only thing a child will eat. I find it hard to believe that there is not one single vegetable your child will eat. And with my friends who are parents and love to cook, I see such a difference in what their kids will eat. I attribute a lot of that to them getting their children involved in the kitchen and grocery shopping, and introducing their kids to a wide variety of foods. Would your 5-year old eat duck? My cousin’s child will, or at least she will try it.

We have the ability to mold the type of adult our children will grow up to be. It is not only our duty, it is our responsibility. I have to battle heart disease. Not because of bad eating habits, because of factors out of my control. I don’t want my child to face the medical hardships I’ve had to. My child will not be a chicken nugget!!

Before I even knew I was pregnant, I was craving one of my husband’s favorite meals as a child – grape koolaid and a chutney sandwich! We still laugh at that today, our little man was paying tribute to his Dad from day one! Having heart disease, I follow a low sodium diet. And with this pregnancy, it has been more important than ever that I stick to an even stricter sodium diet. Interesting enough, by following this diet, I really have kept a lot of my swelling off. So note to other pregnant women, if you are having issues with swelling – cut your sodium!!!!!

Not long after finding out I was pregnant, the morning sickness hit. About all I could eat was watermelon and saltine crackers, and the occasional bowl of chicken noodle soup. From there we moved on to Grape Ice. Now, if you have never had grape ice before, you are missing one of life’s greatest treats. As a kid, my cousin and I would go shopping with our moms the day after Thanksgiving. We were too young to really shop, so they would give us a couple of dollars that eagerly got spent at the Baskin Robbins. And our poison, was a grape ice and sprite float. This became a tradition. If my craving is any indication then this will also become a tradition with my son. Unfortunately Baskin Robbins no longer makes this ice cream. However, Brewsters does!!! I don’t think I can count the gallons I have gone though. This isn’t an ice cream they keep in stock all the time, but for a crazy craving pregnant woman, the Brewsters by my house is making an exception!

Water is the primary liquid that I drink, as it should be anyones’. Having said that, it still hasn’t stopped me from having a few liquid cravings – sweet tea, raspberry ginger ale and root beer. Like the grape ice, if you have not tried the raspberry ginger ale then you truly are missing out on something special in this life. For those of us not into the drug scene, raspberry ginger ale is my liquid crack. It’s that good and that addictive. And it’s caffeine free!!

Once my appetite came back we (I say we because my husband has made it his mission to make sure any foods I crave I have access to) have gone through a multitude of cravings. If I had to name the biggest one, it would be pasta. Pasta anything, pasta anyhow, pasta anywhere! I can not get enough pasta! Or chicken for that matter…. I think I may turn into a chicken if I keep eating it. Chicken sandwich, grilled chicken salad, chicken breasts, fried chicken – if it has chicken then watchout!

There have been a few phase-cravings: Peanut butter and candy. And then there are the cravings for foods I can’t have right now. I would give anything for an STP from Groucho’s Deli with extra special sauce. Or a good ‘ole club sandwich. A rare steak would be absolutely fantastic right about now. I do have one confession to make….. technically I’m not supposed to eat hotdogs, but I have been craving chili dogs from the Varsity. So…. I had to indulge once, with an orange frosty to wash it down.

By normal pregnant women’s standards, I am a little past the half way point. My heart won’t allow me to carry this pregnancy to term. It will be interesting to see not only how long I am able to carry this pregnancy, but also how my cravings will change for the second half! So stay tuned!!

Since I’m on pretty much bed rest, my two new best friends spend all day with me. Now don’t get me wrong, they get their time to run and play outside. But for the most part, I have one flanked on either side of me at all times. They can tell when I’m upset (even if it’s just pregnancy hormones getting emotional at a Kleenex commercial) and are immediately in my face giving me kisses, or have their heads laying sweetly in my lap to remind me they still love me. When I have a seizure they are alert by my side in case there is anything I need (now if I can just train them to pour me a glass of water and grab my medicine…). When Baby G decides it is nap time for us, then it’s nap time for the dogs. They more than love to snooze with mamma. They don’t go to bed at night until I’m ready, so on those insomniac filled nights I have two best friends to watch Golden Girls with!! And as crazy as this one sounds, these guys will sit there with the most attentive ears and listen to me talk, cry, complain, vent, laugh – anything I need to get off my chest. Regardless of if I want it or not, they will give me their opinion on such matters. Even when I cook, I have two little sous chefs just waiting for me to drop something on the floor.

These guys never leave my side. With everyday, normal life you have good days and bad days. But with pregnancy, those days get magnified beyond imagination. It doesn’t matter if I am at my ugliest, my two guys are always happy to see me and be around me. And when I don’t love myself, they constantly remind me of how much they love me. I could be completely in the wrong, and they will take my side teaching me more about loyalty than just about anything else in this life has. These guys could be completely wiped out and ready to call it a night, but if I’m having a seizure or just can’t sleep, they will stay awake by my side until I finally fall asleep. When I move, they move.

Love, loyalty, support, hope, friendship. These guys depend on me for food, water and shelter. There is so much more I seem to depend on them for. Just as good as these guys have been to me, I know they will be this tenfold to my son. Who would have thought that in the time I need a friend most in my life, it’s my two dogs who have really stepped up to the plate.

One might say that part of my nightmares comes from the spiritual battle that is going on in my life. I would like to add all the unnecessary drama to that equation. From people wanting to hash out arguments from well over a year ago, to a person who seems it is their mission to ruin and rip apart my marriage to people just saying out right ugly things to a pregnant person – it’s no wonder I stay stressed out most of the time and can’t seem to get any rest.

Add on top of that the endless medical bills that are stacking up from me having a high risk pregnancy and not able to work right now. 90% of MS patients go into remission during pregnancy, and guess what – I’m a part of the fun-filled 10% that gets to fight this hateful disease while trying to keep my baby safe. Realistically, I have no idea if my heart is going to medically make it through this pregnancy and have to live with the fear everyday that I may not be here to take care of my son. My seizures have come back full force.

The doctors have said over and over again that I need to rest, to sleep, to relax. I don’t need stress in my life. The medical and financial stress is all on me, but for the rest – why can’t people just give me a break until this baby is born? Why do they feel that proving they are right is more important than my health and my baby’s health?

“Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I’m drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline”
- Lifeline, Papa Roach

I know where my life line is – God. Ironically, in one of my devotionals the other day it said, “You have no idea of where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in over-active energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God’s Redemption, you will snap when the strain comes, but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him whatever happens.”

God, I’m looking for a life line right now. A life line of peace and rest to get through this pregnancy. A break. And maybe even one restful night’s sleep.

While the type of heart failure I have is not genetic, it’s the consequences of medicines I had to take; I still have this fear that my baby will have heart issues. I never want my child to struggle the way I have. Today we had another ultrasound and I got to hear what to me is the sweetest sound in the world – my baby’s heartbeat. There is no doubt in my mind he will grow to be a strong man, all you have to do is hear his heart. And there is absolutely no doubt that this little guy will be stronger than I ever was or could be.

The icing on the cake today was hearing the doctor say, “His heart is perfect” while looking at the ultrasound. Perfect!! The words ‘heart’ and ‘perfect’ in the same sentence, and from something inside my body???!!! That has been unheard of. It’s almost an oxymoron in some sense.

I have struggled with trying to find my place in this world. Many paths I walked down were the wrong ones. Doors that started to open were closed. At the end of the day, I still don’t know exactly where I am going in this craziness I call life, but if for one minute I second guess my purpose in this life, all I need is to hear his heart beat.

So now I have a favor to ask of you. I want you to find that sweet sound that will ground you, give you peace, reaffirm your commitment to this life. We all have moments where we want to throw in the towel and give up. But God has bigger plans for all of us. Sometimes all it takes it sitting still and listening to that sound. I am forever changed by mine.

How ironic that I am now back, in a very similar situation. Yet again I am imprisoned to my bed or couch in an effort to allow my heart to rest and in this case, stay strong so I can make it safely through my pregnancy. As before, I took you all on this journey of self discovery and realization, the ups and downs of happiness and heartache as I struggled to find my way on the new path God was taking me down.

Now, God has opened a door I have always prayed for, but never thought I would get to walk through. I’m going to be a mother. And I want you all to join me as I go through this amazing journey. As I’ve already seen, this has yet again changed the direction I am going in my life and allowing me time to do more soul searching and self discovery.

So buckle up!!! This is definitely going to be a bumpy, wild, but worthwhile ride!!

“The words you said to me, they couldn’t set me free
I’m stuck here in this life, I didn’t ask for
There must be something more, Do we know what we’re fighting for
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in
With all these mask we wore, we never knew what we had in store..” – Secondhand Serenade

One of my favorite sayings is that we never promised this life would be easy, only that it would be worth it. As doors got slammed in my face, the numbers on my heart went up and down and up and down, as I fiercely tried to just find my place; I am starting to see that the journey really is the destination.

I was stuck in a life I definitely didn’t ask for and I sure as hell didn’t want. No one goes into marriage expecting to be divorced. No one hopes they have to completely start their life over again at 30. No one wakes up one day and decides they want to fight for their life, fight for their heart to just work right.

And just when I thought there wasn’t something more than this out there for me, God answered my question. I am finally exactly where I’m supposed to be. Everything I’m not has made me everything I am. I honestly didn’t know before now exactly what I was fighting for. And for a long time, I feel like I wasted energy fighting for the wrong things. But I know what it is I am fighting for. When you get on the right path, so many things just fall into place.

There is something more out there for me. I am living, breathing and indulging myself in it right now. And what is so awesome, is that I know this is just the beginning. There is still so much more for me out there. Finally, my heart is open to welcoming all of it.

Today I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that I truly believe God has been preparing me for. I’ve let go of some old parts of me that were weighing me down and holding me back. I made the decision to sat goodbye to a few big aspects of my life, and some people in my life. If you don’t let go, you can never grow. You will never see me for the woman I am, only for the girl I used to be. And that girl has grown, changed, and is no longer a part of me. When you wake up one day and realize you may not have as much of your life left as you thought, time is really not something you want to waste anymore.

My door finally opened, my opening finally showed itself. It is with a serene peach and extreme happiness that I jump on board and charge full steam ahead. For the first time in a long time, I feel God is steering me in the right direction. Actually – truth be told, He has all along. I just needed to be patience, be still and listen.

And now…. I’m on a BOAT!!!

My regret isn’t about having the event itself. My regret stems from never apologizing. It wasn’t until years later when I started better understanding myself that I was able to see the mistake I had made. But when you’re in high school you’re young, immature, naive, inexperienced…. You just don’t know the ways of life or of the heart yet.

In my dream, I make right what I did wrong the first time. Maybe this is some way of my sub-conscience trying to tell me that there are many wrongs I need to right, regardless of who was in the wrong (isn’t that always one we hold on to so tightly = but they were in the wrong…). Maybe it’s my minds way of getting me to think of some options I may not have previously considered. Maybe it’s because it’s prom season and so that’s been the talk around town. Maybe it’s “la-la lands” way of helping me reminisce since I can’t even remember dancing at any of the three proms I went to…..(MS has made my memory like swiss cheese)  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to see the error in my ways. I am sorry I never gave that a chance back then because you were a really great guy. I am sorry I never tried to find you years later when the reality finally caught up with me and tell you I was sorry.  And I don’t know if you ever get on my blog and read my endless rants here and there. And even if you do, I don’t know if you would even remember what I am talking about. But if you do, know that I am sorry. I was a stupid girl back then who has learned more than 5 lifetimes worth of experience in my soon to be 33 years. And I wouldn’t make that mistake a second time around.

Who knows if I would have or will ever get a second chance, but if not, I know these dreams will go on when I close my eyes….